Hi there,
I am sitting here, in my empty house and caught myself thinking about the upcoming weekend. Last weekend I assaulted someone I cared about while intoxicated and now this weekend I feel like I should go out and just show people that I can have one beer or I can be out at the bars and not drink at all. This is a lie I have told myself over and over because the second I get there and hear the loud music and feel the vibe of the room I order a double and after three sips I get another. Dealing with the obvious social consequences of assault and having reflected back on a lot of the things I have done while drunk in terms of the social world all I can feel and recognize is a massive blanket of rejection. I have apologized meaningfully but nothing will ever take that back and they want nothing to do with me moving forward. I don't know where to start in fixing anything in terms of everything that I have done. It's like a massive hoarding pile you need to sort and you just get depressed looking at everything you have to do. I am already getting the texts asking what my plans are, asking for celebratory drinks for after exams are over and I'm thankful that I have at least made a tiny step and have returned to this site daily since I joined a few days ago. The feelings of shame, rejection and embarrassment are all I can feel right now and I wish they would just disappear. I contemplated going out tonight to just forget about these feelings, as I so often do, but I thought I would post / let it out here instead. Thanks for reading, end of rant haha.
