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Facing rejection and my diminished reputation makes me want to go out to the bars..

Old 11-01-2017, 06:49 PM
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Facing rejection and my diminished reputation makes me want to go out to the bars..

Hi there,

I am sitting here, in my empty house and caught myself thinking about the upcoming weekend. Last weekend I assaulted someone I cared about while intoxicated and now this weekend I feel like I should go out and just show people that I can have one beer or I can be out at the bars and not drink at all. This is a lie I have told myself over and over because the second I get there and hear the loud music and feel the vibe of the room I order a double and after three sips I get another. Dealing with the obvious social consequences of assault and having reflected back on a lot of the things I have done while drunk in terms of the social world all I can feel and recognize is a massive blanket of rejection. I have apologized meaningfully but nothing will ever take that back and they want nothing to do with me moving forward. I don't know where to start in fixing anything in terms of everything that I have done. It's like a massive hoarding pile you need to sort and you just get depressed looking at everything you have to do. I am already getting the texts asking what my plans are, asking for celebratory drinks for after exams are over and I'm thankful that I have at least made a tiny step and have returned to this site daily since I joined a few days ago. The feelings of shame, rejection and embarrassment are all I can feel right now and I wish they would just disappear. I contemplated going out tonight to just forget about these feelings, as I so often do, but I thought I would post / let it out here instead. Thanks for reading, end of rant haha.
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Old 11-01-2017, 06:54 PM
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Right now you’re sitting in your empty house.

Next time you assault someone while drunk, you’ll likely end up in a cell.

What “reputation” are you telling yourself you need to “save”? That of a “normal” drinker? That ship has sailed, yes?
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Old 11-01-2017, 06:58 PM
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Originally Posted by Serenity09 View Post
Hi there,

I am sitting here, in my empty house and caught myself thinking about the upcoming weekend. Last weekend I assaulted someone I cared about while intoxicated and now this weekend I feel like I should go out and just show people that I can have one beer or I can be out at the bars and not drink at all. This is a lie I have told myself over and over because the second I get there and hear the loud music and feel the vibe of the room I order a double and after three sips I get another. Dealing with the obvious social consequences of assault and having reflected back on a lot of the things I have done while drunk in terms of the social world all I can feel and recognize is a massive blanket of rejection. I have apologized meaningfully but nothing will ever take that back and they want nothing to do with me moving forward. I don't know where to start in fixing anything in terms of everything that I have done. It's like a massive hoarding pile you need to sort and you just get depressed looking at everything you have to do. I am already getting the texts asking what my plans are, asking for celebratory drinks for after exams are over and I'm thankful that I have at least made a tiny step and have returned to this site daily since I joined a few days ago. The feelings of shame, rejection and embarrassment are all I can feel right now and I wish they would just disappear. I contemplated going out tonight to just forget about these feelings, as I so often do, but I thought I would post / let it out here instead. Thanks for reading, end of rant haha.
I sooo relate with your title. Shame and embarrassment of so many relapses makes me want to drink. It's so irrational.

Realistically I think the only way you're going to earn back reputational points (and this goes for me too) is by acting different and by acting different over a period of time. We won't get everyone's respect back after one night of staying sober, if we've been acting out for years.

Congrats on coming here instead whoop whoop! Awesome job
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Old 11-01-2017, 07:03 PM
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Hi Serenity

however much I didn't want to be an alcoholic or however much I wish I'd had a do over on events, I had to accept things the way they were.

Use this time, work on yourself. Rid yourself of the monkey on your back.

Rediscover the real you

Once thats done - then you can start at building a new life and perhaps mending some fences. Action always speaks louder than words, or intentions.

Be the change you want to be

D
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Old 11-01-2017, 07:29 PM
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Serenity,

No one said it would be easy. It’s hard for a long time. You’ve really got to just hunker down, breathe deep and do this thing.

Drinking is hard, too. It’s guaranteed devastation.

Choose your hard.
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Old 11-01-2017, 08:00 PM
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It's an irrational disease.
Drinking may help you escape the thoughts, but it doesn't change anything for the better. It may change it for the worse...this time, or next time, but at done point it will make it worse. For certain.
There is no around the things we drink over. Only through them to the other side. I like what was said about choosing your hard...you want to surmount a smaller heap or create a daunting mountain?
As someone else pointed out, you're at home. Could be in a cell.
Assault? Not so hot...but glass half full...you didn't mow someone down while driving.
I found spinning things into positives helped tremendously. I became grateful. I became teachable. I became committed and I became peaceful by changing my perspective and following through with a challenge for a change. And that gave me back my self worth. Priceless.
GL. You can do this!
Jules
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Old 11-01-2017, 08:06 PM
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Going to the bar is a terrible idea and you know it. I hope you don't go. As to your reputation. Dee is correct. Only thing you can do is make sure you never do it again. Actions speak louder than words. It takes time to win back trust.
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Old 11-01-2017, 09:51 PM
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Ok so you assaulted someone while drinking and now you want to prove to that person that you can drink responsibly? Does that make sense? Sounds like you want to prove you can get effed up and be a nice guy. To me that's a recipe for disaster. Just my two cents man.
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Old 11-01-2017, 10:35 PM
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Looks like you are faced with a choice. Get help for your drinking, which would be the sane thing to do or the insane choice to try drinking again to prove you can drink like a gentleman. The latter is not really a choice in my experience. If you are in the grip of the alcoholic obsession, a drink is inevitable. I am happy to be proved wrong on this.
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Old 11-01-2017, 11:11 PM
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Yes. Stopping drinking (sobriety) really is only the tip of the iceberg. The rest of that iceberg can be dealt with through Recovery. Sounds to me like things will get loads better for you if you stick with this, but also get a good plan for recovery down and work on it - there are some great threads on here abaout that. Here's one... https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...y-plans-1.html (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)

You talk as if the choice you're left with today is either stay in sober and wallow in self-pity for the bad choices and consequences of drinking, or go out and do some more drinking. That simply isn't true. It was a suprise to me that non-drinkers actually do have fun, go out and socialise when I first got sober as well. It was like a parallel universe existed of which I had no experience and needed to learn how to access and enjoy.

The alcoholic's natural state when alcohol is removed and no recovery work is being done is RID. Restless, irritable, and discontent. When that is how I'm feeling, I know I'm letting my recovery work slip and need to take some action. What action to take really depends on what our recovery plan consists of.

In the early days I had no plan of my own. I relied pretty heavily on this place for suggestions, and getting to AA meetings where I could listen to and chat to people who'd been through what I was going through, and could tell me how they'd dealt with this stuff.

I was worried about what people would think of me as well. Gradually, as I stayed sober I realised (actually with the help of a few comments from my boss) that this was an area I needed to work on. I had to free myself from the fear I felt around what others might think of me or say about me (even people who I didn't even like or respect!!) I realised that half the reason I needed to drink when I went out and 'had fun' was that I was trying to be something and someone I'm not. I projected the image of fun, social, hip, confident, slightly- caustically-witty bird, but actually in sobriety I've remember how much I hated large social gatherings when younger. How I was actually happier curled up with a book, or with just one or two close friends, taking ling walks, cooking, writing stories, drawing and the like. At what point I decided all those things were signs of weakness and not-enoughness I'm not sure. Anyway - nowadays if I'm not enough for someone I comfort myself that I don't owe them entertaining or cool or confident or gregarious. They're perfectly at liberty to DIY or find some other sucker to entertain them. It took some sober recovery time, but I have been able (for the most part) to reconcile myself to who and what I am. And that integrity and acceptance had given me much more peace than any kind of 'reputation' ever did. When I first heard (in an AA meeting) 'what other people think about me is none of my business' I really couldn't understand how anyone could think that to be true, let alone get to the stage where I could think and believe it. It took a couple of years, but I did get there. As long as I know I have done the next right thing and acted with integrity, then what others think isn't important.

I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
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Old 11-02-2017, 06:23 AM
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going to a bar when trying to quit drinking is simply a poor plan
which could easily lead to relapse

sounds like your AV is trying to tempt you here
rebuild your reputation by staying sober over time instead

you can do this--
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Old 11-02-2017, 06:40 AM
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I have been there. The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. So going out drinking is a bad idea.

It is going to take awhile of sobriety to gain back your good reputation and to be honest some people won't ever let you live it down. I have had to accept that. Some people won't ever see me as anything different than how I used to be....but that is okay once you do the work your self esteem will get better and you will be content with yourself.
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Old 11-02-2017, 07:59 AM
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Please, don't go to the bar. It WILL get better. This harsh self-judgement is a trick used by the drink to 'beat you' in to submission and drinking some more.

I have found that within DAYS of stopping drinking my mood lifts so much that I stop looking back at what I have done and look forward to what I can do. The positive 'vibe' kicks in and I realise I am NOT the hopeless case alcohol wants me to believe.
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Old 11-02-2017, 08:14 AM
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"I don't know where to start in fixing anything in terms of everything that I have done. It's like a massive hoarding pile you need to sort and you just get depressed looking at everything you have to do. "

Here's where you start.....

START WITH YOU.

Don't worry right now about other people's perspective of you. Don't worry right now about the things you've done or the people who are angry with you or the 'fixing' of relationships or the illusion or 'reputation'.

Use this milestone place in your life as a turning point (BECAUSE IT IS ONE, REGARDLESS WHAT MOVE YOU MAKE NEXT).

From here, things will turn - either they'll turn better, or they'll turn worse. Plain and simple.

The best chance you have for leading the course of your life into the "Turn Better" path is to start healing yourself. Getting honest with yourself. Being the best version of yourself you can be.

If you choose right now to embrace sobriety and do everything in your power to take the right actions to honor that choice - then I promise you, your life will turn better. I promise you, the 'how do I fix this' will reveal itself.

Priority #1 - embrace sobriety
Priority #1 - honor that sobriety with SOBER ACTION
Priority #1 - complete honesty with yourself about what must change
Priority #1 - Surrounding yourself with support for the above

EVERYTHING ELSE will come in time.

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Old 11-02-2017, 08:24 AM
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Love the post Berrybean - this bit especially. I think that's a factor in my drinking also. At some point when younger I believed that I had to be someone else.

Originally Posted by Berrybean View Post
I was worried about what people would think of me as well. Gradually, as I stayed sober I realised (actually with the help of a few comments from my boss) that this was an area I needed to work on. I had to free myself from the fear I felt around what others might think of me or say about me (even people who I didn't even like or respect!!) I realised that half the reason I needed to drink when I went out and 'had fun' was that I was trying to be something and someone I'm not. I projected the image of fun, social, hip, confident, slightly- caustically-witty bird, but actually in sobriety I've remember how much I hated large social gatherings when younger. How I was actually happier curled up with a book, or with just one or two close friends, taking ling walks, cooking, writing stories, drawing and the like. At what point I decided all those things were signs of weakness and not-enoughness I'm not sure. Anyway - nowadays if I'm not enough for someone I comfort myself that I don't owe them entertaining or cool or confident or gregarious. They're perfectly at liberty to DIY or find some other sucker to entertain them. It took some sober recovery time, but I have been able (for the most part) to reconcile myself to who and what I am. And that integrity and acceptance had given me much more peace than any kind of 'reputation' ever did. When I first heard (in an AA meeting) 'what other people think about me is none of my business' I really couldn't understand how anyone could think that to be true, let alone get to the stage where I could think and believe it. It took a couple of years, but I did get there. As long as I know I have done the next right thing and acted with integrity, then what others think isn't important.

I wish you all the best for your sobriety and recovery.
BB
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Old 11-02-2017, 08:39 AM
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i tried to drink away my past,too. not until i got sober did i realize it never worked. if it did, i wouldnt have had to keep doing it.
when i got sober, i started working on me- learning what makes me tick and why i did what i did. it was much deeper than,"because i was drinking."
some words from a book i was using hit me like a ton of bricks:
No words can tell of the loneliness and despair I found in that bitter morass of self-pity. Quicksand stretched around me in all directions. I had met my match. I had been overwhelmed. Alcohol was my master.
then i found a new master- one that could help me solve my problems- not only with alcohol, but with the internal mumbling mayhem,too.
after i learned that, i went out and made amends were i could-cleared away the wreckage as best i could.
after that i was able to look the world in the eye. my past no longer haunts me and im ok with it.
because im not that man any more
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Old 11-02-2017, 08:54 AM
  # 17 (permalink)  
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Excellent original post, Serenity. Sounds like you've correctly analyzed the situation and likely know what the right thing to do is, to move forward without alcohol and all the shame and negativity it's brought. And now by changing yourself and your actions to shape your future into one you can be proud of.
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Old 11-02-2017, 10:24 AM
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Serenity, going to a bar at this stage of your sobriety is a bad plan no matter the reason.

Have you formulated a plan for sobriety?

I'll post a link to a great thread in a minute.
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Old 11-02-2017, 10:26 AM
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Here you go, Serenity:?

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...highlight=Psst (Psst...wanna know why I'm always recommending recovery plans?)
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Old 11-02-2017, 11:46 AM
  # 20 (permalink)  
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There is no amount of drinking that will change what has happened. You will have to face the consequences of the assault, and drinking again will only make things work.

The only way to feel better is to go through the pain and begin to change your life.
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