Originally Posted by
goodbyeevan 
There were alot of excuses in my original post and I am working on understanding the true meaning of willingness and giving up those excuses to do the best thing for myself.
going to my first AA meeting, i had a lot of fear, what many call anxiety.
i had a lot going through my head to try and talk myself out of it. but i didnt allow the excuses to control my actions- i got some courage to face the fear and go. it was that or let excuses help me get drunk again.
or kill myself.
the doors to that first meeting were the hardest ones to open, and they were automatic doors.
the doors got easier and eaier to open the more i went.
with going to meetings AND working the program, ive remained sober since and have recovered from the hopeless state of mind that made me drink.