Thank you all for the thoughtful replies.
tomsteve - PATIENCE is hard, eh? That's a huge problem of mine - I want to feel better NOW, and when I'm feeling at my most desperate it's hard to believe that things are going to get better.
I'm definitely taking a huge time-out on making any large decisions in my life. I don't quite trust my thoughts and emotions yet. When I get in these obsessive thinking patterns, I have this strong desire to make decisions that I think will somehow 'finalise' the thought and end the maddening loop. But making decisions for its own sake can lead to even bigger problems and regrets down the road.
zenchaser - I do believe in an AV, and definitely feel there are elements of it affecting my thoughts. I can see how an endless barrage of negative thinking/feelings have driven me to drink in the past, just to shut it all down for a little while. I guess that's why I've been questioning how much of this is ME, vs something far more unhealthy yet temporary.
I feel a bit better today. I'm at work at least, and will keep busy. AA meeting later tonight.