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Tough Emotions

Old 10-29-2017, 03:39 AM
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Tough Emotions

This thread was inspired by another thread that talked about filling that 'void' we alcoholics often describe. The thread really hit home for me, because it almost perfectly described the mood I've been in the past few weeks.

I'm about 6 weeks sober this time 'round. I've relapsed before, so I'm somewhat familiar with how things go in early sobriety. Despite that, I've been having an awfully tough time. I don't feel in danger of drinking, but I'm VERY depressed. That coupled with obsessive thinking patterns and resentful feelings.

I find myself angrily trying to accept that I may never fill that void that lives within my soul. That I won't get the things I truly want, like genuine intimacy through love and friendships. I obsessively ruminate on this, like the ultimate pity party from hell. Then at some point I'll get busy with something, or get a text from a loved one, and then snap out of it and return to 'normal'.

Yesterday I had this happen and it genuinely scared me. When I finally snapped out of it I thought to myself 'What the hell was THAT??' It's like I'm having a hard time distinguishing between real thoughts and emotions, and destructive, awful emotions that are brought on by unhealthy circular thinking. Which is the REAL me? Or are they both me?

I *do* have a sponsor and I'm working the steps with her, so I do have people I can share this with. I guess until now I haven't really tried to articulate this, so this was kinda my test run before I share this with her.

Another reason I'm concerned is because I'm having a lot of suicidal ideations. I don't think I'd ever go through with anything like that - but it also presents itself as a circular, obsessive thought that tumbles around my mind constantly.

I do plan on seeing my doc if this keeps up - I'm already on anti-depression/anxiety meds, but maybe something can be tweaked.

I just needed to get all this off my chest. I'm AWFUL at sharing stuff like this to my loved ones, and I'm working on that. Sometimes it helps me to get stuff out there in writing so I can better figure out what I'm trying to say.
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Old 10-29-2017, 04:41 AM
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good on ya for recognizing it,SS!
i find it funny how if im by myself and trying to reflect on early recovery, i cant remember crap, cept i went to meetings.
then read a post like yours and get a flashback to then and remember.
i dont know about you, but all the thoughts/feelings/emotions just about drove me ******* crazy- er.
it was quite refreshing to hear frommy sponsor and at meetings its quite common. personally, i drank for about 23 years. my melon was a little mushy and slow- the thinkin,feelin, and emotional parts of my melon were a wee bit polluted.
after stopping drinking, them thinkin, feelin, and emotionin parts of my melon were firin back up- something that hadnt really been done in a loooooong time.well, actually them parts of my melon were rather stuck back in time-back when before i ever started drinkin.
holy smokes were they goin crazy! i had one jillion, three hundred quadrillion and infinity thoughts and questions- questioning and thinking about EVERYTHING .
what was true about me and life and what wasnt???
welp, my sponsor and others in the program couldnt answer that with much more than sayin they experienced it and with time and workin the steps, it all calmed down and made sense.
NOT what i wanted to hear!! i wanted fixin and i wanted fixin NOW!
patience wasnt a strong point of mine.
but they were right.trudging was NOT what i wanted to do, but necessary.
one of my favorite parts of the BB:

Our book is meant to be suggestive only. We realize we know only a little. God will constantly disclose more to you and to us. Ask Him in your morning meditation what you can do each day for the man who is still sick. The answers will come, if your own house is in order. But obviously you cannot transmit something you haven't got. See to it that your relationship with Him is right, and great events will come to pass for you and countless others. This is the Great Fact for us.

Abandon yourself to God as you understand God. Admit your faults to Him and to your fellows. Clear away the wreckage of your past. Give freely of what you find and join us. We shall be with you in the Fellowship of the Spirit, and you will surely meet some of us as you trudge the Road of Happy Destiny.


again, good on ya for recognizing it!
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Old 10-29-2017, 04:47 AM
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one more thing on this:
" I may never fill that void that lives within my soul. "
idk about you, but i really sucked at filling that. but my HP managed to fill it.

oh, on this:
"That I won't get the things I truly want, like genuine intimacy through love and friendships."

friendships WILL happen. it took me a few years to bain the few TRUE frieds i have. and even then, i can count em all on one hand.
intimacy and love has many different faces and shows many different ways.
now something that might wanna make ya punch me through the monitor:

be patient.


im backin away from my monitor now.
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Old 10-29-2017, 04:58 AM
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Short,

Love your post! Your writing moved me.

I am out of my league here to offer much advice.

You are seeing a Dr. and have AA interest.

What i do, that helps me get through my obsessive destruction is work out.

Seeing my progress over the last 30 or so months as a non drinker is my bedrock.

Physical suffering beats mental suffering....and we get endorphins.

Thanks.
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Old 10-29-2017, 05:17 AM
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No one says it better than tomsteve.

It's going to get better, shortstop. I absolutely felt all the things you are feeling and I think you describe it very well, especially the "Self-pity party from Hell."

I personally believe there was a God-shaped hole in me and until I filled that, happiness was elusive. It is the only thing that works for me. It was there internally when I sought it, and I made a practice of seeking it in all things, relationships and actions.

The Promises of AA - read at every meeting, they do come true if you keep working and talking to God and stay continuously sober. I know because they happened for me, and I was as close to wanting to die as anyone. Keep posting and keep reading:


The AA Promises

1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.

2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.

3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.

4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.

5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.

6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.

7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.

8. Self-seeking will slip away.

9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.

10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.

11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.

12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.


Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.



Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Reprinted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous with permission of A.A. World
Services, Inc.
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Old 10-29-2017, 05:33 AM
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i had some wierd stuff in early sobriety with emotions being wrong. What i mean was crying at times i shoudl be happy or happy when i should be sad or totally overwhelmed and breaking down over doing some of the simplest of tasks. I also had a lot of times where i felt like things where not real and that iw as watching my life as if it where a movie or something Google "derealization"

I think in my case it was my minds way of protecting me and insulating me from the shocking nature of sober life vs drunken life.

In time it got better.
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Old 10-29-2017, 07:35 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
This thread was inspired by another thread that talked about filling that 'void' we alcoholics often describe. The thread really hit home for me, because it almost perfectly described the mood I've been in the past few weeks.

I'm about 6 weeks sober this time 'round. I've relapsed before, so I'm somewhat familiar with how things go in early sobriety. Despite that, I've been having an awfully tough time. I don't feel in danger of drinking, but I'm VERY depressed. That coupled with obsessive thinking patterns and resentful feelings.

I find myself angrily trying to accept that I may never fill that void that lives within my soul. That I won't get the things I truly want, like genuine intimacy through love and friendships. I obsessively ruminate on this, like the ultimate pity party from hell. Then at some point I'll get busy with something, or get a text from a loved one, and then snap out of it and return to 'normal'.

Yesterday I had this happen and it genuinely scared me. When I finally snapped out of it I thought to myself 'What the hell was THAT??' It's like I'm having a hard time distinguishing between real thoughts and emotions, and destructive, awful emotions that are brought on by unhealthy circular thinking. Which is the REAL me? Or are they both me?

I *do* have a sponsor and I'm working the steps with her, so I do have people I can share this with. I guess until now I haven't really tried to articulate this, so this was kinda my test run before I share this with her.

Another reason I'm concerned is because I'm having a lot of suicidal ideations. I don't think I'd ever go through with anything like that - but it also presents itself as a circular, obsessive thought that tumbles around my mind constantly.

I do plan on seeing my doc if this keeps up - I'm already on anti-depression/anxiety meds, but maybe something can be tweaked.

I just needed to get all this off my chest. I'm AWFUL at sharing stuff like this to my loved ones, and I'm working on that. Sometimes it helps me to get stuff out there in writing so I can better figure out what I'm trying to say.

Hi Shortstop81,

I have a different opinion, I would say that some of this could be AV. I know for myself that I had a lot of thoughts of how meaningless life would be without my precious beer. I had a lot of anhedonia and negative thoughts and general feelings of anxiousness or anger. I didn't realize it at the time as AV but once I made that connection things got easier. Ask yourself if the answer to all these feelings would be a drink? Would they all go away once you started drinking? Do those thoughts really end in filling that hole or in caving and drinking again? That's how you'll know if it's the real you talking or your addiction. Once I learned to recognize and filter out those thoughts that were my AV and see through that ploy I was able to let them go and start working on how to actually get the things I really wanted, like better relationships or hobbies and start to self actualize instead of self medicate.

Hope this helped.

And of course, if you are actually considering self harming reach out for medical help.
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Old 10-29-2017, 09:19 AM
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Thank you all for the thoughtful replies.

tomsteve - PATIENCE is hard, eh? That's a huge problem of mine - I want to feel better NOW, and when I'm feeling at my most desperate it's hard to believe that things are going to get better.

I'm definitely taking a huge time-out on making any large decisions in my life. I don't quite trust my thoughts and emotions yet. When I get in these obsessive thinking patterns, I have this strong desire to make decisions that I think will somehow 'finalise' the thought and end the maddening loop. But making decisions for its own sake can lead to even bigger problems and regrets down the road.

zenchaser - I do believe in an AV, and definitely feel there are elements of it affecting my thoughts. I can see how an endless barrage of negative thinking/feelings have driven me to drink in the past, just to shut it all down for a little while. I guess that's why I've been questioning how much of this is ME, vs something far more unhealthy yet temporary.

I feel a bit better today. I'm at work at least, and will keep busy. AA meeting later tonight.
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Old 10-29-2017, 09:26 AM
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Hi shortstop. I don’t know if it helps at all but your post helped me. You can read my post from 1am if it helps you see that things are just hard right now on our sobriety timeline, that’s what I’m thinking.
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:16 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
Thank you all for the thoughtful replies.

tomsteve - PATIENCE is hard, eh? That's a huge problem of mine - I want to feel better NOW, and when I'm feeling at my most desperate it's hard to believe that things are going to get better.
.
impatience seems to be common among alcoholics.

something i heard early on;
patience isnt about what im doing while im waiting; its about what im thinking.
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:52 AM
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I ruminate..a lot.
That empty void? The darkness of that self image in a pit of despair and the need to fill it. The way I see myself now- firstly btw so good on the post and recovery. The way I see it- to get out of that pit- I have to build a stair case- up, up, up- to the light..which I suppose of at peace with the world me. I do not pursue happiness as a constant. I went thru a childish phase of 'waiting' to feel better. But just like with booze- nothing fills that void long term.
I believe you are right- a refresh the page idea to life. Perhaps there is not one big empty place..but lots of little ones. So if I feel crap (which, if I admit it- is a lot) I make myself do the mindful breathey bit, then- for lack of a better word, distract. A walk (lots of that), a shower, sweep the floor, journal...
I have a sponsor and do SMART as well as run 2 very raw AA meetings- more by default and doing the right thing, not as a moral crusade. BUT like minded, well intending sober alcies help me stay sober...for the empty void bit- I turn to professional friends. A counselor, GP, psychologist. To maintain everyday strategies, use CBT as a tool for growth and monitoring my major depression.
To me- AA is not the be all. My sponsor is not god- and has faults. As (well surprise!) do I. Balance is the key for me.
Support to you and keep posting.
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Old 10-30-2017, 12:35 PM
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I find myself angrily trying to accept that I may never fill that void that lives within my soul. That I won't get the things I truly want, like genuine intimacy through love and friendships.
When I entered the rooms of AA someone said "the person who first walks through this door will drink again". Another person said, "change or die". Bill Wilson, in the AA Big Book", says drinking is but a symptom of a much larger problem: the alcoholic is full of self-centered fear, grandiosity coupled with low self-esteem, selfishness. With the help of a sponsor and the fellowship, working the 12 Steps, I eventually had the life I always wanted. Putting down the drink is the first step, it's the hard work we do on ourselves that changes our lives. It takes much longer than we want and is hard work.
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Old 10-30-2017, 03:41 PM
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I was very depressed and suicidal as well early on, you just have 6 weeks in, these feelings lifted for me about 3 months in. In the meantime I slept alot, ate well and just took it day by day. I also prayed for guidance in my life. Every day I just said help me do the best I can today, guide me in the path I should take. I wrote a gratitude list which helped, as for the hole, self-love will fill it. For me that was self-pride in my sobriety. Finally, finally quitting and throwing that monkey off my back. My self pride is high, my self love too. Hang in there short-stop.
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Old 10-30-2017, 07:17 PM
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Nothing to add to these great posts, just hoping you’re feeling a bit more hopeful, again, if it helps any it is not a picnic for me either right now. Hugs.
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Old 10-30-2017, 08:05 PM
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I had a void in me no amount of stuff could fill - but I did heal it with a lot of work and effort, self introspection and a commitment to staying sober.

I also got help - Drs counsellors, this place - whenever I needed it.

The result = no void

D
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Old 10-31-2017, 05:05 AM
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Hey guys, again thanks for the support. I've been feeling a bit better the past two days - I'm going to have to accept that I'm going to have bad days in early recovery. I've been keeping busy, and trying to do the next 'right thing' every step of the way. That somewhat keeps my mind off the void.

I've been trying to keep my mind busy by being in contact with loved ones, and trying to be there for them. I lament that I'm somehow never going to find 'true' friendships, but that's a lie. I already have them. I'm just awful at putting the work into them. I've been like that for years - I have a fear of reaching out to people, likely out of fear of rejection.

I had a great evening out last night with someone close to me - I took her out for dinner and played some pool. She needed a breather because work has been demanding on her this time of year. She was appreciative, and I'm glad I could do something nice for her.

And today is Hallowe'en! I'll be seeing lots of family later this evening, showing off my son and trick or treating with his cousin. I think today will be a good day.

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Old 10-31-2017, 05:36 AM
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Whenever I feel like you described, my sponsor would say to me, "Where is God?"

I tried my entire life to fill that void in my soul with many different things. Everything worked for a moment or two, and then was gone. But I did find the one thing that worked long term, once I stopped fighting turning to that solution.
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Old 10-31-2017, 05:46 AM
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Some call it a God sized hole. Seems about right to me. When I got connected through the steps, I was fulfilled.
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Old 10-31-2017, 06:21 AM
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good on ya, SS!

have fun out with all the youngens runnin around!
i accept all overflowing trick or treating candy.

im headin out tonight with my neices 4YO son and takin a camera along. theres always a time i can catch a memory.
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Old 10-31-2017, 06:43 AM
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Originally Posted by shortstop81 View Post
- I do believe in an AV, and definitely feel there are elements of it affecting my thoughts. I can see how an endless barrage of negative thinking/feelings have driven me to drink in the past, just to shut it all down for a little while. I guess that's why I've been questioning how much of this is ME, vs something far more unhealthy yet temporary.
Glad you are feeling a bit better today, Shortstop. I relate to your post. I think the above snippet says a lot. I gave those escalating circular torturous thoughts what they were really asking for, too. Drink. Like buying the toy for the screaming child at the market.

You are very articulate and are clearly working on insight to all the aspects of yourself and not-you. I can only applaud and repeat: “good going”!
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