No one says it better than tomsteve.
It's going to get better, shortstop. I absolutely felt all the things you are feeling and I think you describe it very well, especially the "Self-pity party from Hell."
I personally believe there was a God-shaped hole in me and until I filled that, happiness was elusive. It is the only thing that works for me. It was there internally when I sought it, and I made a practice of seeking it in all things, relationships and actions.
The Promises of AA - read at every meeting, they do come true if you keep working and talking to God and stay continuously sober. I know because they happened for me, and I was as close to wanting to die as anyone. Keep posting and keep reading:
The AA Promises
1. If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through.
2. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness.
3. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it.
4. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace.
5. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others.
6. That feeling of uselessness and self-pity will disappear.
7. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows.
8. Self-seeking will slip away.
9. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change.
10. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us.
11. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us.
12. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.
Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us -sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.
Alcoholics Anonymous p83-84
Reprinted from the Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous with permission of A.A. World
Services, Inc.