Tough Emotions
This thread was inspired by another thread that talked about filling that 'void' we alcoholics often describe. The thread really hit home for me, because it almost perfectly described the mood I've been in the past few weeks.
I'm about 6 weeks sober this time 'round. I've relapsed before, so I'm somewhat familiar with how things go in early sobriety. Despite that, I've been having an awfully tough time. I don't feel in danger of drinking, but I'm VERY depressed. That coupled with obsessive thinking patterns and resentful feelings.
I find myself angrily trying to accept that I may never fill that void that lives within my soul. That I won't get the things I truly want, like genuine intimacy through love and friendships. I obsessively ruminate on this, like the ultimate pity party from hell. Then at some point I'll get busy with something, or get a text from a loved one, and then snap out of it and return to 'normal'.
Yesterday I had this happen and it genuinely scared me. When I finally snapped out of it I thought to myself 'What the hell was THAT??' It's like I'm having a hard time distinguishing between real thoughts and emotions, and destructive, awful emotions that are brought on by unhealthy circular thinking. Which is the REAL me? Or are they both me?
I *do* have a sponsor and I'm working the steps with her, so I do have people I can share this with. I guess until now I haven't really tried to articulate this, so this was kinda my test run before I share this with her.
Another reason I'm concerned is because I'm having a lot of suicidal ideations. I don't think I'd ever go through with anything like that - but it also presents itself as a circular, obsessive thought that tumbles around my mind constantly.
I do plan on seeing my doc if this keeps up - I'm already on anti-depression/anxiety meds, but maybe something can be tweaked.
I just needed to get all this off my chest. I'm AWFUL at sharing stuff like this to my loved ones, and I'm working on that. Sometimes it helps me to get stuff out there in writing so I can better figure out what I'm trying to say.