Anvilhead-
I do agree completely. It just didn't appear that way. She was always outspoken, and had dumped her other two long term relationships before me when things weren't going the way they ought to. Maybe she struggled with guilt to leave, and finally this was enough and she ran out with a new person, knowing it would be final.
According to her friends and family though, she never once mentioned leaving me, and the small complaints she had of me (which I listed before) still don't add up to such a decision. I know exactly what you are saying about seeing what you want to see in the significant other, and I can't deny this might be the case. It just still doesn't fit that bill, and if it did, I would openly admit it...and likely would not be on this forum. I do see the idea of "take away the alcohol" and you still have a cheater/liar, but this isn't who she was for so long. Now, true colors are true colors, but I can't imagine why she would want to hurt me...coming back to narcissism and alcohol.
Everyone does say walk away, but I guess I don't want to. Back to the idea of multiple doors: I have this door in which she walked out of, but I don't have to close it behind her. But I also don't have to stand in it waiting forever (which I am trying my hardest not to do). This also means I can explore or open new doors, and maybe close the door temporarily to her, but it doesn't mean I have to forever. Where I currently am, and someone made note of it, was that I am standing in the doorway. And I do feel as though I very much so am, however tough I may seem, and holding true to no contact.
I feel lower than low, and don't want to go on sometimes. I want to do everything everyone has mentioned, but honestly it is too hard sometimes to face up to it. Letting go. I just can't. For some, this would be so easy, but I was so proud of her even though she degraded due to alcohol. I was ready to get our lives back, and help one another achieve all our dreams that we even talked about recently. I can't get over that we were intimate right up to the end, which is hard to fake, or as I said, she would have been outspoken if she didn't want me.
Her attraction to another man is eating me alive. I just don't understand how someone I cared for could be so cruel. This happened to me in my previous relationship before her, but it was so clear that this person (who didn't suffer from addiction) was just cruel, and didn't care anymore and I got past it. This time, its so very different, but ended the same way. In the earlier relationship, it was coming for some time, and didn't work out in the end. This time, it was a total bomb, and I don't think she even saw it coming. I could be wrong, and she could have been clawing to get out, but it doesn't seem that way, even from what she told me when she broke off the engagement. It seems like the plan was to lie to the therapist, and leave with this guy in haste. This change, I cannot doubt happened because of shacking up in rehab and connecting on similar life events. Likewise, big grandiose dreams while in the hazy recovery that he went along with I'm sure to impress her. What a s***head for knowing we were engaged, and getting between us...all is fair in love and war...if you are a terrible person. She is just as guilty obviously, but vulnerability was a trademark for her at these end stages. And they went on to drink together, and god knows what else.
I am really having a rough day...I wish I could just speak to her...and that time may come soon. I know you will all disagree that I should, but what if I need it for me? To see if anything has changed. To see why she was calling. I had a friend tell me that his wife ran off soon after getting married (no substance abuse), and that down the road, she saw it as the worst mistake of her life. He didn't take her back, and the way he saw it is that she is not with this guy for 4 years, and they haven't got married. He said it seems as though she is making the best of a bad situation. I can't but wonder if my ex knows this is the same thing... She knows the incredible impact of her choice, and that there is no going back...so make the best of it you can. It may have seemed like a good idea, but her mom said she was worried about the guy going through some tough things (Im guessing with his addiction to sleeping pills and maybe other drugs). All in all, i'm sure she feels good getting new attention, but eventually the honey moon phase does die down...And then you are left with what? Two addicts. I don't want anything bad to come of her or to her, but I do just wish we could talk things out...maybe see where we both stand. I didn't agree to the decision she made, it was all her. I know it takes two to tango, but she did abandon our dog, and all of her close supporters and friends. I know she occasionally tries to reach out to some of the friends in hopes of keeping that, but many are angry with her, that she lied to them, and then ran off. Including how she treated me they are angry about. But yet she is unaffected. This is why I always ask how long it takes to get out of the haze if sober. Or if not sober, what I should expect. I think it lies somewhere in between...she probably isn't drinking like she did at the end, but may again or likely will, but is still absolutely thinking she can control it.
Problem is exactly as all of you say...she may not be emotionally available. I am guessing you mean this with regard to being an active alcoholic. Or do you mean that she has emotionally checked out? It's probably a combination of the two currently...but I am left wondering if she thinks of us...not just me, not just her. If she truly misses us. Including our little puppy, which she called her second love (second only to me). What a damn crummy situation to be in. I can hardly think straight even a month and half into this. Using logic is truly getting me no where, but it isn't all about applying logic to me, it is about trying to work through the details. Not gossip, just the details. And from what you all have read and heard, I hope it is clear that we were very much so in love...I as well as many others said they never saw her or I shine so bright. It was once the alcohol took hold that her spark for life went down. And I don't imagine that is because of me (although I could be wrong, and please check me on this if I am). I know this is all rose colored glasses thinking, but it is hard to ignore what seemed to be a beautiful future up until the alcohol.
Any further thoughts would be appreciated. Or things I haven't considered...let me know please.