GoodguyJoel

Dandylion-

I agree with your last comment. And am going to explore more ways to properly address the emotions, such as what you mentioned.

With regard to the context...I don't believe I am conflating the situation in any way...and in fact, it is vastly worse than I present in some ways. I am being very careful to ensure I present what is factual, apart from my emotions. In fact, I really do not want to misconstrue the facts or skew it in the hopes that I get real answers. I wouldn't be on these forums if I didn't genuinely care, and all I wanted was to be patted on the back. I came here looking for good people like yourselves who have genuine experience, and can truly speak to the topic.

My current feelings right now: I am standing along side of a run away train. This train has no intention of stopping. In fact, it seems like the train (her) is enjoying the ride and is getting thrills out of it.

She told me right after this all happened that she loved this guy, and that she will probably marry him. I have a sneaking suspicion that this may be coming true as we speak. We took three years before I proposed, and grew together while she was still sober (or mostly sober). But with the train analogy, it seems like she wants to rush towards that. I can't comprehend how someone can say they love someone they just met, what to others would seem to be dire circumstances, and she grips on to him like its the best thing ever...way better than I could ever give. Many of you say that this is likely just rebound or rehab romance behavior, and that it isn't likely to sustain. But this all terrifies me, and I know I shouldn't talk to her, but I so badly wish I could. I understand the comment about talking to her would only open the wound again, but if this is a forever decision, I never got closure. Likewise, I want to see if there is empathy or if she still has feelings. I know it would be best to keep our relationship out of the first time talking, but I want to know why she still calls me, and wants me to call her back.

She did forward her mail to herself, and so that part of us is drying up. I just don't know why she wants so badly to have me out of her life. I still can't see how I was toxic, or was a trigger for drinking, or how we don't see eye to eye. Is it that triggering to alcoholics to be told to please stop drinking, or know that your closest loved one doesn't approve of it? This is why I keep coming back to the idea of running away to whats easier, a fresh start, even if the future prospects are unsure.

But she knew what she had in me...even if I didn't do everything right, even if life currently wasn't outstanding because I was finishing my degree...she knew the next steps were to be big and beautiful. So how she can just negate that and run is beyond me. Maybe it was a fear of marrying me...being stuck...or as she said, a concern of potentially not being happy. But anyone with a solid head on their shoulders will likely admit that love and marriage isn't all just fun and games. It should be great, but can take work, and I don't know why I wasn't worth the work, especially since things were going well until her heavy addiction. I mean even if there were short bouts of complacency, we would always revamp or respice things up. I just couldn't do fancy vacations or promise where we would end up after my PhD (location-wise).

No matter what I say, this doesn't just seem like unhappiness and a regular break up. It seems to be heavily linked to her addiction, and potential internal struggles/issues. I know the world can be unfair and cruel, but it just doesn't seem right. In any of your experiences, did your ex-AH/W's just forget you immediately, or never contact you again? Did they just move on and that was that? Or did many of you get a chance to talk things through and still come to the same conclusion (of being apart)? Did anyone successfully talk through things after time apart, even if they entered another relationship?

It is terrifying to me to feel as though my hands are tied...before it was to try to fight her addiction...now it is the loss of someone I love, and I cannot even talk it through (partly my choice not to answer her, assuming she would even talk about it).