Hi everyone,
Just thought I would add an update. Again, I appreciate all your thoughts and comments. Went out for a weekend away from home in Austin, TX for the USGP with my dad and brothers. It was a much needed break, however intensely I am engulfed with my studies. My mind was so wound up in the details of everything happening that I truly see the damage her decisions have had. I managed to take my mind off of this and enjoy my family and get engulfed in a very exciting and lively setting. I must say, what an experience.
Ironically, while I was there, she called me twice, and texted me “call me back” “please”. I didn’t answer and instantly was thrown back into wondering, and it took some time to get back into the excitement. The sad thing to me this time was that she knew I had this trip coming, and I doubt she knows or cares. Let alone knowing the effect she would have on calling me. Just when I think things are starting to look up, she creeps back, even if it is just a call or two and texts. I don’t know what she wants as she left no message and only those texts...but I think it is safe to say it isn’t anything pertaining to us. I’m guessing there is something she wants or to tell me something that won’t make anything better. Last I heard from her friend was she seems to have no regrets, and mentions no one from back home, including me. That she is moving forward with her plan for Miami.
I’m glad I didn’t take the call, but of course my mind still wonders. I wonder if she feels guilt or shame, or even remorse or misses me. But only time will tell because she would likely just say it if she did. Hence the probability that she is just calling because she wants the dog or something else. I woke up today traveling home having a sick feeling of heading home to the place where all this bad is still present. It’s almodt like I wish I could permanently escape, but I know it’s not healthy to grieve and feel what I need to feel. I am seeing how badly I have been treated, and everyone else. Just wish things turned out differently. It’s funny how I would have done anything to keep this together, and she replaces me immediately in the hopes of grand romance and grandiose plans. I see how my head is on straight about building a career and making a life that is worth living. Honesty, charity, caring, sharing, depth, emotion, trust, and love. Just some of the things I have taken as important.
I can’t help but wonder how badly she is drinking, and hope she finds peace and also sees in time how things really were between us. How rare it truly was. That I am very worthy.
The talk of the honey moon phase wearing off also has me wondering still. Much of the relationship reading I have done says if you go from one relationship to another that you will often end up where you were previously, in this case I mean that she will end up in her bad spot with drinking. Especially with an enabling addict. I’m still not angry...just have a sick feeling that maybe the “miss you” or “I made a mistake” may happen. But as you all said, she is in no place to address her emotions, or the emotions of others.
Back home in a few hours from now...and I have to get back to my work full force. I have to get our puppy, and have to face that strong emotion again, as well as the empty house haunted with the ghost of her. I do have an empty sick feeling...and I don’t know what to do with myself lots of the time. But I do get to come back with some great stories and great memories, so I think I will share those with friends and take it day by day again.