Stayingsassy

Holy cow there are some new to sobriety ramblings on this forum from me. I do not have it figured out. I am still trying to figure out how to avoid relapse. I am still trying to figure out how to eat, how to sleep, how to take a time out for myself, how to balance myself so I don't overwork, overexercise, over help, overdo anything. I seem to know exactly what my children need, what my clients need, what my husband and friends need, but if I am not pouring myself a drink, I have no idea what the hell I need. I latch onto things like I have the answer, "this is it. This is my answer!" Then I realize I'm being rigid and repetitive and engaging in all or nothing thinking, as in "if I do these things everything will be ok. Maybe if I do those things everything will be ok." But there's a road to disaster at every turn when those roads become compulsive. Compulsive is the name of my game, I'm an alcoholic. So at times, I just sort of stare into the wall, and my mind goes blank. Because engaging this mind, this unbalanced mind, is sometimes a fool's errand, and every direction it goes leads to an uncertain conclusion. To sum up: I can't be trusted yet.

....at least there's always sober sleep.

So I do what seems to make sense. "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to work that many days a week." "This would be the time that I do the dishes." "It's probably about time for a workout." "Wait this doesn't seem right. Did I do this before? Why? That's not right." "Hm, what does that person really want? What is he/she really saying? I didn't notice that before." "Oh my god my car is a mess. When am I going to clean it?" "Am I doing sobriety right? I have to get it right. What if I suddenly drink? Oh my god I can't let that happen. It's always happened before. Oh no. What if it happens again? My life will be over." "I have all these things, why do I still have all this? I don't deserve it, how did I get through all this unscathed? Why did this happen to me, and who made sure nothing bad happened?" "Did they all enable me? Everyone I know?"

Then I don't know what to do next, so I sit and try to figure out what the next right move might be....then I do that thing. And that's all I've got. That's as much enlightenment as I've got. None, this early, just one sober step after the other.