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Thanks for bearing with me

Old 10-18-2017, 07:53 PM
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Thanks for bearing with me

Holy cow there are some new to sobriety ramblings on this forum from me. I do not have it figured out. I am still trying to figure out how to avoid relapse. I am still trying to figure out how to eat, how to sleep, how to take a time out for myself, how to balance myself so I don't overwork, overexercise, over help, overdo anything. I seem to know exactly what my children need, what my clients need, what my husband and friends need, but if I am not pouring myself a drink, I have no idea what the hell I need. I latch onto things like I have the answer, "this is it. This is my answer!" Then I realize I'm being rigid and repetitive and engaging in all or nothing thinking, as in "if I do these things everything will be ok. Maybe if I do those things everything will be ok." But there's a road to disaster at every turn when those roads become compulsive. Compulsive is the name of my game, I'm an alcoholic. So at times, I just sort of stare into the wall, and my mind goes blank. Because engaging this mind, this unbalanced mind, is sometimes a fool's errand, and every direction it goes leads to an uncertain conclusion. To sum up: I can't be trusted yet.

....at least there's always sober sleep.

So I do what seems to make sense. "Oh yeah, I'm supposed to work that many days a week." "This would be the time that I do the dishes." "It's probably about time for a workout." "Wait this doesn't seem right. Did I do this before? Why? That's not right." "Hm, what does that person really want? What is he/she really saying? I didn't notice that before." "Oh my god my car is a mess. When am I going to clean it?" "Am I doing sobriety right? I have to get it right. What if I suddenly drink? Oh my god I can't let that happen. It's always happened before. Oh no. What if it happens again? My life will be over." "I have all these things, why do I still have all this? I don't deserve it, how did I get through all this unscathed? Why did this happen to me, and who made sure nothing bad happened?" "Did they all enable me? Everyone I know?"

Then I don't know what to do next, so I sit and try to figure out what the next right move might be....then I do that thing. And that's all I've got. That's as much enlightenment as I've got. None, this early, just one sober step after the other.
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Old 10-18-2017, 08:04 PM
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Ah, Monkey Brain. It’s so fun, isn’t it?

Try to breathe and just pick three things a day to focus on, even if two are brushing your teeth and getting dressed. Otherwise it’s easy to get overwhelmed.

Don’t drink. That’s the crucial thing right now. Everything else will sort itself out eventually.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 10-19-2017, 05:41 AM
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Agree with Ariesagain. You do not need to have it all figured out, most of us don't. The important thing is not to drink. You got this and you are STRONG!

Sending you my love.
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Old 10-19-2017, 05:47 AM
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I called it spinny brain. Can I please just get through one thought before 20 more come crowding in?

It gets better. Your description is right-on though.

The best things I've found are limiting caffeine as much as is humanly possible, and exercise. I didn't add fully caffeinated coffee back until about six months. I didn't need any faster thinking, jumpiness etc. thank-you-very-much.

You've got this. Don't pick up a drink.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:09 AM
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Day at a time.
Sometimes it’s a minute at a time.
Good advice all around.
Hugs.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:16 AM
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just one sober step after the other.

exactly!
paralysis by analysis- fun stuff,eh?

what im reading,SS, is quite similar to what i went through- learning how to live life on lifes terms. i would get wrapped on in a LOT of what ya describe and remember something i had heard:
first things first.
hey, thats cool, but whats first!?!?!?!?!
also
keep it simple.
yeah, simple concept, but how do i do that!?!?!?!?!

it took T.I.M.E. to learn how to live.
to learn to do whats right in front of me that needs doing.
to learn whats important and what i can let slide.

however
i can still complicate it.
if yer ever in a store and see some guy in the isle with the TP and he looks confused on which TP to buy.
complicating buying TP!?!?!?!? W....T.......H!?!?!?!


walk up and say,"hi,tomsteve. nice to meet ya."

i dont always keep it simple.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:21 AM
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Well, who ever thought there would be an entire aisle of white toilet paper? Can you imagine coming to this country from some Third World place and being in need of shampoo?

OMG, grocery shopping is such a blessing in this country - but sometimes more is not better.

Thanks tomsteve for the giggle.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:43 AM
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love your post. yeah i basicly was thinking in circles i think i still do at times. and its easy to get sucked into it then next ya know you sorta come too and realize your brain took you for a detour again.

I was running out of ears that would listen to me too so it was nice to find others that understood what i was dealing with.

it sounds like your getting a handle on it. I know for me things where pretty crazy for a while till i straightend more of my BS out etc...]
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:44 AM
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for what its worth too i even heard once "you dont have a drinking problem you have a thinking problem" i thought hmmmm yeah i can understand that.
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Old 10-19-2017, 06:47 AM
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on the TP topic i have a friend who came here from haiti and when he saw chickens in the grocery store didnt know what they where. cause in haiti they didnt have those huge meaty birds like we see in our grocery stores lol.

ever hear about the guy who moved here from china who was upset to find that the cans of food in the store with dogs on them was dog food and not dog meat.... Ok that was a joke...
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Old 10-19-2017, 07:58 AM
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Originally Posted by biminiblue View Post
Well, who ever thought there would be an entire aisle of white toilet paper?
you know it!!
narrow it down to brand.
then which model: ultra soft? ultra strong?ultra gentle? essentials soft? essentials strong? mega rolls?
then narrow it down to quantity.
4 rolls?12?24? the whole pallet???
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Old 10-19-2017, 08:02 AM
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2 ply tho, always 2 ply.
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Old 10-19-2017, 08:06 AM
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Talking

Originally Posted by tomsteve View Post
just one sober step after the other.

exactly!
paralysis by analysis- fun stuff,eh?

what im reading,SS, is quite similar to what i went through- learning how to live life on lifes terms. i would get wrapped on in a LOT of what ya describe and remember something i had heard:
first things first.
hey, thats cool, but whats first!?!?!?!?!
also
keep it simple.
yeah, simple concept, but how do i do that!?!?!?!?!

it took T.I.M.E. to learn how to live.
to learn to do whats right in front of me that needs doing.
to learn whats important and what i can let slide.

however
i can still complicate it.
if yer ever in a store and see some guy in the isle with the TP and he looks confused on which TP to buy.
complicating buying TP!?!?!?!? W....T.......H!?!?!?!


walk up and say,"hi,tomsteve. nice to meet ya."

i dont always keep it simple.
See that I can handle, the answer is always Costco. Limited brands, large quantities, no guesswork 😉
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Old 10-19-2017, 08:54 AM
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Then I don't know what to do next, so I sit and try to figure out what the next right move might be....then I do that thing. And that's all I've got

that sounds good to me. it's what i do when i don't know what to do: sit with it. and when i know what the next right thing is, then i do it.

beats jumping in and doing any old thing just in order to DO something.

learning to just sit with stuff....huge!
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Old 10-19-2017, 10:16 AM
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This conversation is rapidly going down the sh*tter...

;-)
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Old 10-19-2017, 10:37 AM
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Your brain is waking up. That's the way I took it when it happened to me.

Your brain has been numb for so long and now its not. It's in overdrive now. It'll regulate itself. It just takes time.

I went on a rehab my house binge that lasted 5 months. I basically did everything I had neglected over 10 years in 5 months. It helped actually because I obsessed over that instead of drinking.
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Old 10-19-2017, 10:52 AM
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In early sobriety, our brains and bodies go through quite a period of readjustment after years of frontal assaults by alcohol and/or drugs.

I went through an inpatient treatment, joined AA, got a sponsor, worked the steps, tried to do 12th step work as best i could and hung around people who had been sober for a long time.

All of these efforts were helpful antidotes to the mental fog which seemed to have set in, which included, of course, the racing, competing thought processes you described.

We're glad you're here with us.
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Old 10-19-2017, 11:15 AM
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Originally Posted by SoberCAH View Post
In early sobriety, our brains and bodies go through quite a period of readjustment after years of frontal assaults by alcohol and/or drugs.
.
Yes, bodies too. I think not just my brain but also my muscles were also running on quite a bit of acetate. I'm so sluggish at the gym still. I know it's all a healing process.
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Old 10-19-2017, 12:37 PM
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Sassy,
Yes, monkey brain indeed! This is where I have found meditation to be very helpful, as it helps quiet the mind. I read an article a while ago that meditation essentially dampens the activity of the amygdala aka squirrel brain, the portion of our brain that makes decisions based on emotions (‘a friend/relative just died/my spouse is cheating on me/the milk in the fridge turned sour - I need a drink!’) and increases the activity in the prefrontal cortex that is responsible for logical, ‘adult’ decisision making.
It is basically a mental workout, like doing squats and pushups, but with your brain. Now judging from your previous posts you don’t seem to be the most patient person, lol, but maybe if you ease into it by increasing sessions from 10 to 20 to 30 min over a period of several weeks it might help with your restlessness. Just don’t expect any dramatic improvements over the short run, you’ll have to give it a few months!
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Old 10-19-2017, 12:53 PM
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Originally Posted by Mac4711 View Post
Sassy,
Now judging from your previous posts you don’t seem to be the most patient person, lol
That's just my pickled frontal lobe damage acting up, no worries
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