Can't find a smile anywhere in me.
Today, I signed a lease at my new place... not happy... bought all my furniture... not happy... working on buying all the things I'll need to start over... miserable. Interviewing for a new job tomorrow, not excited or confident... the crying and breakdowns are back and if I'm not I just sit numb, staring and wishing the time go by faster. I typed out a text to XABF this morning, never sent and deleted it. Before I left AZ, I told him I had just ordered new things for our house and a few things for myself. I told him please do not accept the packages, just to have them sent back sense I had zero idea that we would be breaking up they all went to my then current address. I saw online, he accepted them. So now... what do I do. I've wasted so much money and left so much behind so it should be easy for me to let go of another 100$, but I'm just upset he would do that. But I also thought of the consequences for texting him as well... like not getting a response, getting a response of just "K" or something, or him asking how I was maybe or initiating different conversation. And I know I wouldn't do well with any of that either as much as I do want to talk to him for a quick feel better. It just makes me sick remembering the last day I was there... moving my stuff out and him simultaneously redecorating the house like it was so much fun. Him trying to hide pictures or decorations of mine under the bed so I would forget them and he could keep them. Keeping all of our bedroom décor pictures rugs my pillow sheets and comforter and all of our relationship pictures, albums, and the big C & D on the wall. (what the hell for? If he was so finished with me, then why was it so important to keep all those things!!!!!????) The fall decorations and new garbage can and what not I ordered... him opening the packages and using them in now HIS place that's most likely also decorated with empty booze bottles and leftover weed...