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Can't find a smile anywhere in me.

Old 10-18-2017, 12:15 PM
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Can't find a smile anywhere in me.

Today, I signed a lease at my new place... not happy... bought all my furniture... not happy... working on buying all the things I'll need to start over... miserable. Interviewing for a new job tomorrow, not excited or confident... the crying and breakdowns are back and if I'm not I just sit numb, staring and wishing the time go by faster. I typed out a text to XABF this morning, never sent and deleted it. Before I left AZ, I told him I had just ordered new things for our house and a few things for myself. I told him please do not accept the packages, just to have them sent back sense I had zero idea that we would be breaking up they all went to my then current address. I saw online, he accepted them. So now... what do I do. I've wasted so much money and left so much behind so it should be easy for me to let go of another 100$, but I'm just upset he would do that. But I also thought of the consequences for texting him as well... like not getting a response, getting a response of just "K" or something, or him asking how I was maybe or initiating different conversation. And I know I wouldn't do well with any of that either as much as I do want to talk to him for a quick feel better. It just makes me sick remembering the last day I was there... moving my stuff out and him simultaneously redecorating the house like it was so much fun. Him trying to hide pictures or decorations of mine under the bed so I would forget them and he could keep them. Keeping all of our bedroom décor pictures rugs my pillow sheets and comforter and all of our relationship pictures, albums, and the big C & D on the wall. (what the hell for? If he was so finished with me, then why was it so important to keep all those things!!!!!????) The fall decorations and new garbage can and what not I ordered... him opening the packages and using them in now HIS place that's most likely also decorated with empty booze bottles and leftover weed...
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Old 10-18-2017, 12:18 PM
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I honestly think some people want to continue to hurt those who have had the good sense to run away from their crazy. Or they try to hold on to anything that will tie you together. It's creepy, but many people don't know how to let go in a healthy way.

He feels so bad, he wants to hurt you too? I don't know, but it happens a lot.

I'm sorry, it will get easier. Time. Unfortunately it is the best healer.
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Old 10-18-2017, 12:30 PM
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Sometimes we just have to let go, or be dragged.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:03 PM
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della....it is said that when one door closes, another one opens, but it is HELL in the hallway!
Don't you think that you are grieving? I can't imagine that you would not be....
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:53 PM
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Thanks everyone... Ya I definitely am grieving and do OK most hours, but I still have that part of me that deeply cares for him and wants him to get better and be the man he use to be so we can be together and just wonder if he is actually saddened by this or happy...which I guess I shouldn't care. Along with that part, I have about a pin point or less of hope it'll ever happen.. I think with moving and losing everything including him and my job and belongings, its just been overwhelming trying to get everything together again and when I feel that way I resort to... I would be ok if I was still there, and maybe things could've worked out or got better. I just need to get my life together here, and get a steady schedule to keep my head straight. Without constant things to do, my mind is my worst enemy. I want to be better. I want to be strong again. But I need a path. I hate feeling like I complain or... am weak when I post on here, but I know that I need support even if its just a quote or virtual hug back. My family doesn't understand why I am so emotionally destroyed over this and get angry and disappointed in my non progress.
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Old 10-18-2017, 04:58 PM
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Della,

you are not weak when you post on here. This is part of your process. You need to grieve. It sucks, but it's normal. Even if the relationship you are grieving was not a good one. You're grieving the loss of what might have been or what you thought you had, and it feels completely real. It was real to you.

I for one am early in my process after leaving my AH, and I have a lot of days like this. I rarely share my feelings on those days. You are brave to do that, not weak! When I'm having one of those days and I get on the forum and read posts from others feeling like I do, it strengthens me. Thanks for that.

I'm going to need to try to share things myself - not just when I'm angry but also when I'm struggling with the loss! It's really hard to do that.
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Old 10-18-2017, 05:03 PM
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Della....with all that change, at one time, especially, it is amazing that you are doing so well. It will all settle out...a step at a time...I promise!
What you are feeling is completely normal, I think, for this early in the process....
Your family is not living in your skin...it is easy to be critical from a distance when they are not the one hurting...
I think alanon would be good for you...just to be in the room with other people who understand more than mere words can explain.....
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Old 10-18-2017, 09:31 PM
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Della, I know that I expected ending things w/XAH to be like removing a splinter--once it's out, the pain ends, then and there. But I learned it takes time to heal, and time takes time, as you may hear around here.

Hope this helps a little: https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...akes-time.html (A riff on "time takes time")
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Old 10-18-2017, 09:46 PM
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Grieving is a non-linear process.

Be kind to yourself, yes?

And here’s the cheesiest smile I could find, just in case it helps you find one of your own


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Old 10-19-2017, 03:08 AM
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His actions are very intentional and meant to get to you. It's a tactic emotional abusers and narcissists use to get their victim/target to contact them. It's meant to hurt you. You can choose to let it go. Is that money worth your mental health? No.
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