Thank you, all!
Fortunately, my son was very young while this all happened, so likely, he will come through this unscathed. I was an 'okay" drunk mom because during all of this because I still had to hold down my job, so it was managed enough to were he was never late for school (only used the bus--I wouldn't risk it) and I was on top of his homework (barely) and we ate each night. I'm still not cooking anything beyond my drunken days (mostly processed and easy--but I'm not into cooking). But, he didn't go to any activities and I wasn't looking into cultivating his future. I also did the complete unfathomable. One time, during the winter, I didn't want to bundle him up to go to the CVS and I went to there and left him at home. I know it doesn't matter--but, I have to rationalize, though I suck. It was about a 30 second drive, 1 minute transaction, and I was back in the same amount of time as if I was getting stuff in from the car. I also asked him if he minded if I went.
I still shudder from that foggy memory.
I didn't get so lucky with my older daughters, though. The oldest holds a deep, abiding grudge and has no compassion, nor mercy (imbibed a little from my super judgmental, moralizing husband who has been of zero support--no one has supported me except here, actually). My middle one is okay--there's still time to heal.
so, I did come out of this with lots of major battle scars in every area of my life. The farther I get from it, the more I realize not one thing went untouched. It f---- everything up in some way or another, some in massive ways, some in not so massive ways.
I also made an a77 of myself in many ways. I know that's a common trope that gets written here daily and it sounds like par for the course, but I'm going to guess that each one of us has deep regrets beyond being a loud mouth at the party. I've discussed some of my more disgusting moments wherein I thought I should inform people about their looks and even children's looks. In other words, I went into sacred territory that is off limits even for drunks. So, yeah, lots of blowback from the vodka slugging. Ugh.