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Yeah, it does take about a year after sobriety

Old 10-16-2017, 12:41 PM
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Yeah, it does take about a year after sobriety

Interesting. While I was going through my first year, I thought I was already recovered. Yes--in some ways I was. There wasn't any more alcohol, but I didn't really set in to digging out until this year. Luckily, I fixed the major problems right away--well, I attended to them. They are a work in progress, especially those that involved family and husband (but, he himself is a work, and I do attribute some of my drinking to not being able to deal with him).

What I've found over the past 6 months (my one year was in June) is that there was a lot of stuff I'd simply put a bandaid on during year one and have only now really started to really attend to these things. Let me tell you, adulting is a lot of work and even more so when you let it slide/let it go for so long. Things don't go away as that vodka goes down.

Some days, now, I feel so accomplished and, really, I'm not doing anything great or achieving greatness--I'm simply doing things the way a person (mother/wife/professional) should be doing things. It's taken a while to be committed to doing more than going through the motions.

Here is some of the laundry list of things that went to hell while around-the-clock drunk and that I've started to address. These things take so much time, so my warning is, if you haven't hit logistical bottom (or other bottoms), stop NOW!

*credit repair has been all-consuming. As I've noted, these were things like missed payments that could have easily been paid, but I was too drunk, and hence, they developed into craters on the credit report. One 25 dollar medical bill = 400 dollar charge off (thankfully, they did delete for payment. Not so lucky with some others--oh, and my husband who rubs this in my face from time to time has a few just because he does not attend to the details in life).

*called a few companies and let them know many late payments were alcohol induced. Some companies (Gap and Pier 1) went ahead and removed the 90 day late marks because they saw it was isolated. Others told me to go scratch. Can't win them all. But, when I got sober, credit was 555. Now it's 680, but the work still needs to be done.

*extensively negotiated a judgment on my credit after much online research at various forums. This one wasn't our fault and it wasn't related to my drinking, but I was able to solve that for 25% of what was owed. Again, though the series of events and judgment did not involve drunken neglect in any way, I let it sit through the drunken years and increase. Luckily, I was able to say goodbye to that just last week. Yes, it hit the savings, but it could have been tons worse (or better, had I not spent years drunk--husband probably should have been doing this stuff, but even if he was in charge, he is not the shark negotiator, etc., that I am. Better I finally did it).

*got a lien caused by the ex-husband paid off (he's different than the one I keep referring to --I'm lucky that way. Not. I am now filing for spousal innocence because of the ex's nonsense. Again, I didn't even CHECK scores while drunk, much less look into the oft-cited "serious delinquency" on Discover each month." Ah, who cares--too hard to look into that and find out what it was. Pass the vodka.

*I've been a better friend. I lost many sane friends (not the birds of a feather, though) while drinking. Some very professional, sane people that would have never thought I was a drunken fool. Because they weren't in my close orbit, they didn't know and didn't understand my inability to even write back and say I was busy. The first year was wading through damage, coming clean to a couple I wanted to explain to (cuz they'd known me "before") and meeting up. Well, I was averaging seeing them once a year (2 friends). Just now, I wrote them and for the second time this year to make a lunch date.

*totally on top of finances and taking advantage of side jobs in my field to get more money to do small things.

*have managed remodeling projects on the cheap. Because of my wily ways, and fast movement, I've been able to get a lot done for cheap.

*have made time for a few new hobbies like photography and even organized a family photo shoot and printed out thousands of photos from everywhere on the internet and in the long term, I'm organizing this all into albums. That would have never happened while in the bag.

*very on top of my child's school, extra curriculars (he actually made it to every boyscout meeting last year--the year before--my most drunken--I put him in all these activities, but never went because it would interfere with my drinking and I didn't want to drive him drunk--only myself.

*I'm much more clean and organized.

No--this doesn't make me want to burst into song, life is still not loads and loads better and brighter with sobriety. I still miss drinking. Why? I don't know. Because when I play it til the end, I know I don't miss drinking--I miss getting wasted all the time and my body can't have that after nearly dying.

I still struggle with vanity and trying to lose weight. It still makes me mad that I looked loads better while almost dead (it's not in my head), but I keep trucking.

This thread is long and mostly written for me to reflect and those who are on the journey might feel this resonates with them.

I guess I feel silly that for so long I lived in an adult's body while acting like an infant and doing absolutely the bare minimum to keep my job, but nothing outside of that.
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Old 10-16-2017, 01:10 PM
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Good for you, NGST.
Hard but necessary work that you couldn’t have done before sobriety.
Keep going. You are doing great!
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Old 10-16-2017, 01:14 PM
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I admire your honesty NG. I am in a financial mess atm mainly from smoking cigarettes though but also through getting loans from people for alcohol. I am sure you look back and think it was pure insanity. I love how your relationship with your son has improved. I too did the bare minimum. You have inspired me today to keep going.
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Old 10-16-2017, 01:16 PM
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I see a lot of myself in your post (the bad parts). What you've done is REALLY impressive to me. You should be really proud.
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Old 10-16-2017, 02:15 PM
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I had very similar experiences.

Year one was mainly focused on just NOT drinking and on beginning to fix ME.

Year 2 I really began making progress on fixing the fallout in my life from all the years of neglect.

Year 3 my life was really on track and in balance again.

And now in Year 4 - it has been truly flourishing.

There were high spots and low spots in each year and a lot of detail behind those summaries.... but like you I realized that it took most of the first year just to ride out newfound sobriety and get to some semblance of capability and presence as a sober human being.

From there it just kept getting better.

Keep at it!

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Old 10-16-2017, 03:10 PM
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Thank you, all!
Fortunately, my son was very young while this all happened, so likely, he will come through this unscathed. I was an 'okay" drunk mom because during all of this because I still had to hold down my job, so it was managed enough to were he was never late for school (only used the bus--I wouldn't risk it) and I was on top of his homework (barely) and we ate each night. I'm still not cooking anything beyond my drunken days (mostly processed and easy--but I'm not into cooking). But, he didn't go to any activities and I wasn't looking into cultivating his future. I also did the complete unfathomable. One time, during the winter, I didn't want to bundle him up to go to the CVS and I went to there and left him at home. I know it doesn't matter--but, I have to rationalize, though I suck. It was about a 30 second drive, 1 minute transaction, and I was back in the same amount of time as if I was getting stuff in from the car. I also asked him if he minded if I went.

I still shudder from that foggy memory.

I didn't get so lucky with my older daughters, though. The oldest holds a deep, abiding grudge and has no compassion, nor mercy (imbibed a little from my super judgmental, moralizing husband who has been of zero support--no one has supported me except here, actually). My middle one is okay--there's still time to heal.

so, I did come out of this with lots of major battle scars in every area of my life. The farther I get from it, the more I realize not one thing went untouched. It f---- everything up in some way or another, some in massive ways, some in not so massive ways.

I also made an a77 of myself in many ways. I know that's a common trope that gets written here daily and it sounds like par for the course, but I'm going to guess that each one of us has deep regrets beyond being a loud mouth at the party. I've discussed some of my more disgusting moments wherein I thought I should inform people about their looks and even children's looks. In other words, I went into sacred territory that is off limits even for drunks. So, yeah, lots of blowback from the vodka slugging. Ugh.
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Old 10-16-2017, 03:18 PM
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Love your post and so identifiable for me. Thank you for putting it out there in an honest way. Im a single mum of 2 daughters and I have 2 jobs . Still early days here (80 today) and I'm glad you're continuing to see progress. Yes adulting really is hard when we've hidden from it for so long!
Thanks for posting you've made me smile tonight xx
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Old 10-16-2017, 04:05 PM
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Yeah that was pretty much my experience too NGST.

A year would have been an insurmountable amount of time to me when I was drinking...I look back now and think a year was a pretty good deal

D
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Old 10-17-2017, 04:35 AM
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I look forward to the year mark and the continuing process of finding the sober me. I actually did so extra work and paid off a car recently. That made me feel good. Last debt to resolve is a single CC with a few thousand on it. It is nice to be close to debt free (except for a house payment). Between getting rid of car payments and not buying wine, I’ve reduced my budget demand by nearly $1000 a month. It does make you proud of yourself, so congratulations on putting things in life back in order.....love it.
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