GoodguyJoel

My story:

My fiance and I knew each other for about 12 years. We were always in other relationships, and had mutual friends. Then 4 and 1/2 years ago, we both were not in relationships, and we started dating. We went on happy as could be for a long time, moved in together, got a puppy together 2 years ago, and then last year we got engaged in November (2016). These were some seriously happy times for both of us, and we started making plans for the marriage, kids, homes, and future locations to live and buy homes. We had it all figured out. There was one issue...she became an alcoholic about 1 1/2 years before this, and according to her long time friends, the issue showed itself long ago. In the past few years, she was dealing with a change of jobs from being a successful model (VERY SUCCESSFUL) to much less jobs and having to rent out her condo to pay for it. Then, she decided to change jobs to realty, and did fine in that for about a year. Then she started to drink, and lost her job there, and tried to start her own business with a girlfriend. This is when she really picked up the drinking, showing up to showings drunk, and eventually the company holding her license said they will no longer hold it unless she seeks help. After November of last year, she had withdrawal seizures, and I witnessed up to 6 of them through out the next year. We attempted detox, and numerous bouts of trying outpatient rehab. She always fell back. Then in the last two months, with her mothers help and guidance, she had to leave my home to make the point. She went to her sisters, where she drank until her mother found her and called 911 to take her to the hospital. She called me and I came to her at the hospital...one of the sadest moments to see my dear sweet person so helpless to addiction. She then went to detox, and we decided with her that she needed to do more this time.

She decided to go to a $40,000 inpatientrehab program, which her mom coughed up the money for. I am just finishing my doctorate by the end of this year, and could not afford that, but her mom happily did it if it gave her a chance. She went, things were fine between us for a bit, I visited and we kissed, hugged, and said we loved one another. Then communication slowed, and I just thought she was focusing on herself in there. Then she wanted to set up a family therapy session with a therapist between us. So, the day I am to go to this, I come home early to take care of the dog and get cleaned up...she is there with a friend packing up all her things. I got no answers and was heart broken and scared. She said we will talk at the meeting. I go there, and she tells me that she always focused on the bad stuff with her mother that caused issues in her life, then she thought about her other relationships...which was with me...she said that if we got married, we would have kids, and never get divorced, and could possibly be miserable. That she wasn't in love with me anymore, and gave me the ring back and that we couldn't be together. She said that things weren't as good for the past two years...but this is extremely questionable because of what I will talk about later...She walks out for a break, and I asked the therapist what was going on, and he said she has a very complex thought process, and it is extremely hard to follow her reasoning. He also said he has expressed his concerns to her and me that she is making decisions too quickly and particularly in rehab to not make any major life changes for at minimum a year. I asked her if there was someone else involved, and she said no...

This is where it turns for the way worse...

Leaves me broken hearted looking for answers, and she got out the following weekend and said she was leaving. I pleaded and said our relationship was beautiful and our future is just ahead of us...that I love her, and stood by her through all of this. She says she needs a few last things from my house, and came on a Monday. She came with her sister and a guy...that I had seen at the rehab place. My immediate thought...she is cheating. I asked the guy if they are in a relationship, he said no, I asked if he planned to, he said no. Then she grabbed a few things, I asked for one last hug, and then showed her the ring as she drove off with this guy. Turns out, she left the rehab with someone from there in rehab romance. She left with him to move to his state and move in with him immediately. She later told me that she was with him and that's that. They are together now for a month and a half, and I have cut all contact with her...she calls and texts here and there, and I do not answer. Turns out this guy was in rehab for drugs...but is a wealthy son of a business owner. She leaves all her family and friends behind, and tells us all nothing. Leaves me with our two year old pup, and doesn't care, although she asked me if she could have him.

Again this is where it gets worse. Turns out she was drinking day one out of rehab with this guy. She has been drinking since. Numerous friends, family, and myself have heard her drunk on the phone. But the proof was when she admitted it to one of her best friends. We are all double checking our stories with one another, and it just turns out she moved there, is drinking, not working, and is "planning to move to Miami to do real estate with him."

Now, I know this story is way more complex due to alcohol and addiction...but I don't know whats going on. She dropped me and everyone like stones, picked up and left with another guy. All her friends, me and her family all have many stories of weird delusional stories she tells. That she isn't making much sense, and dodges many questions, and wont even really speak about me at all. Its like she is blocking out the thought of me to ensure the emotion of me doesn't surface. She seems to act in conviction, but yet everyone is getting really odd stuff out of her. Some points to add to this about the odd stuff:
1. Miami is a drug and booze party place, we had been there together, she knows this...and wants to move there and compete with the biggest and best real estate folks in the world. This is crazy! and not thought out at all.
2. She only knows this guy for about 2 months at best. She says she trusts him to friends, but then runs circles when they question her about this choice. She told me she loved him when she got out of rehab...that was like only 3 weeks into knowing him...she even said she will probably marry him to me.
3. She isn't working towards any of the stuff she said she was going to...like getting her real estate license back and start getting ready to move to Miami...none of this is happening and she just sleeps all day and does nothing currently...which is what she did at her worst point with me when she was drunk all the time.
4. She is drinking...he is also an addict...two dead batteries don't start a car I'm told...and these flings usually don't end well or last long
5. She was talking to a girlfriend on the phone, and mid conversation about talking about the guy and what his deal is...she hangs up...texts that she can't say it in front of him, but that he has money, and that the family money may not be hers
6. She also was confronted about leaving the rehab place too early by everyone...she said there was nothing more they could do for her. Based on what the therapist said, and others telling me, it seems she wasn't very serious about rehab at all and instead focused on this guy. She never truly wanted to quit drinking and I could see the therapists saying...since you have that opinion still, then there isn't anymore we can do for you (they have to be ready to change themselves for help to make the change).
7. Her friend asked her how she doesn't think she has a problem, and said "if there wasn't someone nearby (the guy), I would probably think about it differently, or say something different." meaning she doesnt want to show him she has a real problem or admit it. They are supposedly "working on this" aka things aren't as smooth as they seem.
8. She isn't paying for any of her bills, which I still get at my house, and her condo is likely to foreclose according to her parents. She has huge IRS debt from when she made so much and we were going to do an offer and compromise but since this she isn't taking it very seriously. In fact, she blames her parents for getting the condo and actually all of her financial woes and her mom for even many of her life problems. Placing blame on others and then acting out of spite. I think I get squeezed in there too although I was a damn good man to her and always loving, understanding, and tried my best even in my hardest part of my life (this doctorate).
9. Turns out she cheated twice on me in her drunken stoopers...not that it justifies it, but I didn't know until very recently. I would have been willing to work on this through counseling and whatever it takes kind of mentality. But the drinking continued and still does. I wouldn't consider anything until sober if she ever calls me again.

She left me with 3 months until our life together really kicked off...I was to finish, we were going to move...and instead she leaves me...with no answers...our puppy, and a broken heart. She leaves me for a wealthier guy (although I come from a wealthy family, but I am a grad student and dont make much on my own currently, but that changes so soon! 3 months I will have a great new job after graduation), and it just seems like a quick fix for security. I don't doubt they may have connected on some stuff in rehab, but why she threw me away for another addict is beyond me. I have no addiction problems (well I smoke cigs occaissionally), and tried my hardest to help her through all of her drinking and detox and rehab while I am stressed out working harder than ever at school/work, and taking care of the dog. She literally just S*** on me and left.

How can people do this? I can barely handle the pain, because although the drinking occurred, we were very intimate all the way up to the end before this last rehab, and still talked so highly of our future together. Then poof gone.

I am so heart broken...and everyone else is left cleaning up her mess she left. Her mom is enabling this all by still supporting her financially by paying the 1st and 2nd mortgage on her condo, and this has all just gone way off the rails. There is too much to say and it doesn't make sense to a Biophysicist who looks for logic and reason (me).

Basically, has any one experienced such a thing, and what do or did you do? I am in no contact now, but eventually am hoping to speak to her or at least start with texts, but the last we spoke it was cold and unempathetic. So i figure, NC, then wait for emotions to cool. I want to get her back...but she has to be sober to see this clearer. She has literally gone off the rails...still drinking, and not facing life on life's terms. Everyone here loves her and wants to help her and support her, but instead gives us all the big middle finger. Does she just have too much to confront here? Hence run off with the next best thing? She is hiding everything about them two from everyone. Only small snippets get leaked out when shes somewhat sober on the phone to friends and family, who then tell me about it.

I am just so lost...just a few weeks ago this was my beautiful bride to be. Now she seems like a gold digger and cares not even one inch about me....even when she was having the drinking issues we didn't fight overly much...I mean I would get frustrated, but never did anything terrible...She said I called her a b**** once (I did) and apologized within two hours in a very honest way, and I basically said she was a b**** and when she was drunk at least she wasn't mean (during one month of sobriety, she was very pushy with me). She also said I told her there are easier women out there than her...I then told her I said that while you were drunk and you forgot the rest of it...that there are easier people out there who would see their drinking issues and address it. It wasn't about her personally! She is distorting everything to make sure it fits her current bad choices...and everyone calls her on it...she either hangs up or laughs about it. She makes me out to be the bad guy now, when she used to adore me even up to the end.

One thing is for sure...I am alone and have no clue if she will ever come back to me...it kills me inside. I can write more but for the sake of length....please just type some comments on your thoughts about what is here. Please let me know what you think I should do!? How should I handle this!? Should I talk to her...? Or just wait, and potentially never see her again? She said she would never do this (cheat and leave, because my previous ex cheated on me) to me and then it happened! I don't know what to think or do? Any thoughts?

I do know at this point, her mother is trying to talk to her. Although we have confirmed she is still drinking, there is no guarantee that she is drinking as heavily...but I guess that just means it may be a matter of time until she does drink as heavy again, or worse.

Can 30 day programs be enough for someone to make such a change, or is it more likely she didn't take it seriously and just said what she wanted to get what she wanted. She "took the heat off" by going to this with all of us involved...decides she isn't staying saying "there wasn't any more they could do for me" and then just runs away, and worst of all with another addict.

I am not talking or contacting her. It has been 10 days since she tried to reach out to me last, and I don't know if I will ever hear from her again. Should I expect to hear from her? Another key issue is this likely the behavior of a narcissist? She may have been developing into one and I just didn't see it. But it is hard to say since alcohol played such a large role over the past year. Also, I did do so many things to try to help her to stop, even things she didn't agree with at points (like call and tell her parents and friends, I even cut up a credit card in hopes that she would just stop and realize the severity). Was this white knight behavior? I was no yes man to her, I would clearly state my opinions and take actions even if they conflicted with hers. I don't know how something so good could turn so bad. Is she just in denial about her true problems here, they must run deeper than the alcohol? I don't know if I drove her to drink more by babysitting at points in time.

Any similar stories, and how you handled it would be helpful, PLEASE!