Hi, Weekenders!
This week I have the honor to write an opening for the Weekenders thread.
What is this thread about? Its mission is to help each other to make it through a weekend safe and sober, and enjoy it as much as possible. Whether you’ve just joined SR or a long-time member – just jump on board. And share whatever you feel like sharing.
This weekend is special for me. Saturday, October 14, is my 5 year sober anniversary.
Among many self-deceptions which I had harbored about quitting alcohol was the fear that I would be “missing out”, that I would be deprived of my ability to enjoy life.
I was literally terrified that I would lose the only “medium” which connects me to stress-relief activities. I didn’t know another way to unlock my capacity to absorb atmosphere of fun and carelessness which weekends and holidays bring.
How else am I supposed to take shackles off my emotions and drop the crippling burden of constantly hating myself and my life? How did I happen to find myself in that kind of life?
I felt like my real life was in those under influence moments. And everything in between was just the life I was somehow forced to tolerate. And this tolerating was taking enormous emotional toll on me.
I was scared that sweet anticipation of a weekend will be forever gone. You know, when it starts brewing somewhere on Friday morning, peaks on Friday evening, and then nosedives in the “next level of how low I can fall”. And next morning I will be struggling to get shattered pieces of myself together. Welcome back to hell.
I was a closet drinker. So, for me the life I was so worried to “miss out” was my
ability to enjoy watching someone else’s life. Watching movies in a state where I can imagine myself being a part of the movie. Part of the desired life. Just a drunk spectator. And I needed to be “medicated” enough to be ok with that.
For you emotional relief from hardships of everyday life may be parties and get-togethers where alcohol serves as some sort of “password” to communicate with peers.
If you are a young person, you may be concerned about missing all the “fun”, not being able enjoy what everyone else enjoys, and regretting it later.
If your partying years are in the books already, you may go through some tough phase of your life right now. Maybe, you carry so much on your shoulders that you just can’t take it anymore. Maybe, it feels like just one more step – and you will fall apart. And you are afraid that you will lose this “friend” which can make all the problems “disappear”. Even if for a short period of time.
You may be concerned that you will lose your ability to blend in the festive environment and you will turn into a boring “odd duck” no one wants to be around.
You may be terrified that you will lose your friends (a.k.a drinking buddies) and end up in the zone of “forced to be alone” weekends.
You may keep telling yourself that you will enjoy just “this concert”, “this wedding”, “this party”, “this Friday night”, and then “bite the bullet”.
Those fears are all lies.
Living sober provides totally different quality of joy. Nothing manipulates you, nothing brings you to your knees. Nothing demands to sacrifice your health, happiness, dreams and life for a dubious leftovers of pleasure.
Once the alcohol-induced fog lifted it became quite clear what kind of life I was so afraid to “miss out”. Life full of hangovers, shame, delusions, crashed hopes, never achieved goals and piled up disappointments. While real life was slipping away from me every second I was scared to let the bottle go.
Once I took my “red pill” I was able to start changing the reality around me. I confronted life issues I was terrified of. And in every confrontation I revealed some part of me I was never aware of.
And thus, bit by bit, the real me started emerging.
She developed new skills and created new friendships.
I don’t want to be a spectator in my life any more. And being sober makes me capable to act, to dare, to feel the fear and do it anyway.
So, there is a weekend just around the corner. And, sorry to say, there are only so many weekends left in our lives. How many? 3,200? 2,600? 2,080? Is that all? How are you going to spend them? Nursing hangover or fighting for your goals? Are you ready to make the first step to re-discovering yourself and your genuine life?
Is there anything you are or was afraid to “miss out” if you quit drinking?
I welcome everyone to join our OctSober weekend. And have a great day!
