I think it's good for people to be the helping ones, too. It makes us feel connected. Unfortunately women in particular seem to take this on as our sole reason for being, then it becomes a problem for us and everyone around us. When it comes to "helping" - I think moderation is the way for me. Otherwise my ego tells me people need me.
I got into recovery in 1989 because of my inability to navigate any kind of relationships without drinking. After some sober time I was able to see that the best thing for me was to limit time with those people instead of trying to drag them to wellness (wellness according to me, of course.) Please act the way I think you should, so I won't be uncomfortable. It was a revelation to me to understand it's not my problem if they want to stay in misery for the moment or for their one precious lifetime.
One day in the early nineties I read a line, "Don't do anything and watch what happens." heh. In
Friends and Family of Alcoholics they say, "Don't do something, just stand there."
Life. Changing.
These days I'm much more able to say my piece and walk away. If they think it makes sense, okay. If they don't, okay. I don't get invested in their outcome. They are on their own path, they have their own Higher Power, as it were.
My primary recovery was and still is from codependency - and I learned it early. I'd say by age five.
- Help others.
- Be worried about other peoples' problems (..and then the progression/addiction to control.)
- Take on their problems.
- Try to fix them.
- Get angry when that doesn't work. (Pro-tip: it never works.)
- Blame self for not having the right solution. *If only I'd said _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.*
- Spiral down with anxiety because they get worse and have to OH NO suffer the consequences.
If they had only listened to me, Queen of the Universe.
How did work for ya, Bim?
I like it much better when they get to do them, and I'm responsible for me.