Learn to ask for help Weekender Oct. 5-11
Giving up is NOT an option.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Learn to ask for help Weekender Oct. 5-11
I guess I’ll try my hand at an OP here on weekenders!
As alcoholics and addicts, many of us have trouble asking for help when we need it. Perhaps we think we can handle everything ourselves, we don’t want to be a bother to anyone, or we don’t want to admit things are out of control. In my case, I didn’t feel worthy of help because I had such low self-esteem, and because I had done so much damage while drinking. I really felt like I didn’t deserve anyone’s help or for anyone to care much about me.
But asking for help when we need it is something we all need to learn to do. Life is full of challenges, and we shouldn’t try to go it alone. When I decided I had to get sober, I picked up that 100-pound phone and called a friend I knew was sober and cried and asked him to help me. He immediately stepped up, took me to my first meeting, and was always there for me when I needed anything. In AA, I found lots of wonderful people who would do almost anything to help me or anyone else in the rooms get and stay sober. One of the main tenets of AA is that we help ourselves when we help others. We say “if you want to keep it, you have to give it away.”
Even after we have been sober for a while, life has a way of throwing things at us that can seem overwhelming. Jobs, kids, partners, money, cars breaking down, house repairs - all of these things can cause us a great deal of stress. We may still feel like we can “handle it.” After all - we are sober now, right? We ought to be able to handle anything!
But this is dangerous thinking. If we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed by everyday things (or more serious things, like the illness or death of a loved one), we are risking our sobriety. Trying to handle everything and not reaching out for help can leave us exhausted, irritable, sad, depressed, hopeless. If you are anything like me, this is right when the AV loves to pipe up and say “things couldn’t be much worse - why not drink/use?”
Ask for help. Trust that there are people in your life who care about you and DO want to help. Just ask. Even if all you need is to hear someone here on SR say that they understand and to give you a virtual hug, ask. I am just as guilty of not liking to ask for help as anyone, but I’m working on it.
So this weekend, if you have something you need help with, even if it’s just asking your partner or kids to help you with a household task, make an effort to ask for that help. It may feel awkward or needy, but do it anyway. Asking for help is not weak - it means you are aware of yourself and your limitations. It’s good self-care.
What are you going to ask for help with this weekend?
As alcoholics and addicts, many of us have trouble asking for help when we need it. Perhaps we think we can handle everything ourselves, we don’t want to be a bother to anyone, or we don’t want to admit things are out of control. In my case, I didn’t feel worthy of help because I had such low self-esteem, and because I had done so much damage while drinking. I really felt like I didn’t deserve anyone’s help or for anyone to care much about me.
But asking for help when we need it is something we all need to learn to do. Life is full of challenges, and we shouldn’t try to go it alone. When I decided I had to get sober, I picked up that 100-pound phone and called a friend I knew was sober and cried and asked him to help me. He immediately stepped up, took me to my first meeting, and was always there for me when I needed anything. In AA, I found lots of wonderful people who would do almost anything to help me or anyone else in the rooms get and stay sober. One of the main tenets of AA is that we help ourselves when we help others. We say “if you want to keep it, you have to give it away.”
Even after we have been sober for a while, life has a way of throwing things at us that can seem overwhelming. Jobs, kids, partners, money, cars breaking down, house repairs - all of these things can cause us a great deal of stress. We may still feel like we can “handle it.” After all - we are sober now, right? We ought to be able to handle anything!
But this is dangerous thinking. If we allow ourselves to get overwhelmed by everyday things (or more serious things, like the illness or death of a loved one), we are risking our sobriety. Trying to handle everything and not reaching out for help can leave us exhausted, irritable, sad, depressed, hopeless. If you are anything like me, this is right when the AV loves to pipe up and say “things couldn’t be much worse - why not drink/use?”
Ask for help. Trust that there are people in your life who care about you and DO want to help. Just ask. Even if all you need is to hear someone here on SR say that they understand and to give you a virtual hug, ask. I am just as guilty of not liking to ask for help as anyone, but I’m working on it.
So this weekend, if you have something you need help with, even if it’s just asking your partner or kids to help you with a household task, make an effort to ask for that help. It may feel awkward or needy, but do it anyway. Asking for help is not weak - it means you are aware of yourself and your limitations. It’s good self-care.
What are you going to ask for help with this weekend?
Sober-T- Dragon
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Manitoba
Posts: 8,756
Shotgun!
Asking for help.... one of my weaknesses. (I think it runs in the family). While I was drinking, like you MLD, I didn't feel worthy enough for help. After all, I knew (I tought) what the anser to all my trouble was. Stop drinking. So why couldn't I? I didn't tell anyone, I didn't ask for help. I went thru a long period of mental anguish because of how I felt.
PS. Great opener, thanks MLD.
Asking for help.... one of my weaknesses. (I think it runs in the family). While I was drinking, like you MLD, I didn't feel worthy enough for help. After all, I knew (I tought) what the anser to all my trouble was. Stop drinking. So why couldn't I? I didn't tell anyone, I didn't ask for help. I went thru a long period of mental anguish because of how I felt.
PS. Great opener, thanks MLD.
Mini Novel Post Writer
Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Maine
Posts: 3,649
Great starter Marty! Thank you and I AM IN!
Congrats on shotgun STDragon!
It runs the lines of something I am working on right now which is balance. Also, I tried to consider why it seems like I am no longer here as often and I've found something else interesting. Since I quit smoking I no longer sit on my duff as often. I could spend 2 hours on the computer every morning between news sites, Facebook, and here. Now, I am up, spend about enough time to drink about 1/2 cup of coffee, then I hit the shower.
I have a pretty good balance right now of recovery work but it's teetering, so I am trying to play it safe.
You hit it right Marty, the time to ask for help is before the situation gets bad.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to have some time this weekend to get caught up, I miss you guys!
Congrats on shotgun STDragon!
It runs the lines of something I am working on right now which is balance. Also, I tried to consider why it seems like I am no longer here as often and I've found something else interesting. Since I quit smoking I no longer sit on my duff as often. I could spend 2 hours on the computer every morning between news sites, Facebook, and here. Now, I am up, spend about enough time to drink about 1/2 cup of coffee, then I hit the shower.
I have a pretty good balance right now of recovery work but it's teetering, so I am trying to play it safe.
You hit it right Marty, the time to ask for help is before the situation gets bad.
I hope everyone is doing well. I hope to have some time this weekend to get caught up, I miss you guys!
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Congratulation for the weekender OP MLD.
I love your theme and can very much relate to it.
Especially the "self-esteem» and the damage we do.
My dad died in feburary and I was holding his hand as he fought for his last gasps. My mom was on the other side of the bed. Several times we thought he was gone and he came back for another gasp. The will to live, even dying.
It was a big stress trigger, i didn’t think it was at first but it was. I had been great up to that, 7 months roughly but I lost control for a good few months after that and now Im back. Some things do have a tendency to overwhelm us and its hard to talk about it, or is it or is it just pride, or fear?
As i said my dad fought like a lion for a last few gasps of air. It’s the life wish, its instinct. It’s the most beautiful thing we have, life, its everyday ups and downs, like you say, family, friends, houses, gardens, cars, pets, jobs, money... You just have to stick with it, be conscious of it and enjoy it as much as you can.
My brother went in to rehab on Wednesday morning for three months. He was on the side of the street in the end, lost everything more or less. He never asks for help. He cried when he got to the hospital after my dad died... I think he might be ready to ask for help.
Anyways, I feel like im going off on all kinds of tangents but i don’t mind, my friends don’t judge me. Im almost two months sober again and very happy. I love my life and I get help when things are piling up too fast.
Once again, great OP, and im in for the weekend.
Vinny.
I love your theme and can very much relate to it.
Especially the "self-esteem» and the damage we do.
My dad died in feburary and I was holding his hand as he fought for his last gasps. My mom was on the other side of the bed. Several times we thought he was gone and he came back for another gasp. The will to live, even dying.
It was a big stress trigger, i didn’t think it was at first but it was. I had been great up to that, 7 months roughly but I lost control for a good few months after that and now Im back. Some things do have a tendency to overwhelm us and its hard to talk about it, or is it or is it just pride, or fear?
As i said my dad fought like a lion for a last few gasps of air. It’s the life wish, its instinct. It’s the most beautiful thing we have, life, its everyday ups and downs, like you say, family, friends, houses, gardens, cars, pets, jobs, money... You just have to stick with it, be conscious of it and enjoy it as much as you can.
My brother went in to rehab on Wednesday morning for three months. He was on the side of the street in the end, lost everything more or less. He never asks for help. He cried when he got to the hospital after my dad died... I think he might be ready to ask for help.
Anyways, I feel like im going off on all kinds of tangents but i don’t mind, my friends don’t judge me. Im almost two months sober again and very happy. I love my life and I get help when things are piling up too fast.
Once again, great OP, and im in for the weekend.
Vinny.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2013
Posts: 11,417
Great intro MLD!
I was one of those who didn't ask, at least at first.
I just quit, with no idea how dangerous it was or with any support.
I was very sick for several days and knowing what I know now about withdrawals,
I would have at least tapered or better yet gotten medical help.
But I didn't, and honestly I didn't when I relapsed either.
I'm not good for taking help, but I know that isn't the best path.
SR is my "help" and I found it after my second relapse when my withdrawal
symptoms were so severe I thought I might die.
I started reading for that reason, but stayed for the support.
I tend to offer support more than ask for it--if you look at my posting history,
you'll see I've started very few threads.
By giving support, and reading what others are facing, I get the best support for me, if that makes sense.
So even if you are a person who doesn't want the focus "on" you,
reading, hitting the thanks button, offering encouragement and sharing
your own experience really helps you even more than the poster you
are responding to sometimes.
This list reminds me others face what I face and far worse.
It affirms that we all are far more complex and wonderful than we appear.
That all of us have narratives of pain but we can use such pain
to grow, to become more empathetic, wiser, kinder to ourselves and others.
So even if you don't want to reach just yet, consider offering
I'm in this weekend, by the by. . .
I was one of those who didn't ask, at least at first.
I just quit, with no idea how dangerous it was or with any support.
I was very sick for several days and knowing what I know now about withdrawals,
I would have at least tapered or better yet gotten medical help.
But I didn't, and honestly I didn't when I relapsed either.
I'm not good for taking help, but I know that isn't the best path.
SR is my "help" and I found it after my second relapse when my withdrawal
symptoms were so severe I thought I might die.
I started reading for that reason, but stayed for the support.
I tend to offer support more than ask for it--if you look at my posting history,
you'll see I've started very few threads.
By giving support, and reading what others are facing, I get the best support for me, if that makes sense.
So even if you are a person who doesn't want the focus "on" you,
reading, hitting the thanks button, offering encouragement and sharing
your own experience really helps you even more than the poster you
are responding to sometimes.
This list reminds me others face what I face and far worse.
It affirms that we all are far more complex and wonderful than we appear.
That all of us have narratives of pain but we can use such pain
to grow, to become more empathetic, wiser, kinder to ourselves and others.
So even if you don't want to reach just yet, consider offering
I'm in this weekend, by the by. . .
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Fingerlakes,NY
Posts: 4,536
Yes!!! Worst ever about this. I have had some things going on and reaching out to some special friends got me through it during the worst of it. You nailed it. I don't like to ask for anything because I feel like I have put people through enough but without help sometimes I will be back in the place I used to be.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
How very true (for me) 
"..So even if you are a person who doesn't want the focus "on" you, reading, hitting the thanks button, offering encouragement and sharing your own experience really helps you even more than the poster you are responding to sometimes..."
"..So even if you are a person who doesn't want the focus "on" you, reading, hitting the thanks button, offering encouragement and sharing your own experience really helps you even more than the poster you are responding to sometimes..."
Sober since October
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: In the world in my eyes...Somewhere I've never been before...
Posts: 7,355
I am in!
Thank you for great intro, Marty!
Asking for help is one of my biggest struggles. It's like climbing Everest every time. I feel vulnerable and exposed.
Among other things SR taught me how to be better at this.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
P.S. I need to ask some of my online business mentors for help. And I am just scared to death to do that.
Thank you for great intro, Marty!
Asking for help is one of my biggest struggles. It's like climbing Everest every time. I feel vulnerable and exposed.
Among other things SR taught me how to be better at this.
Have a great weekend, everyone!
P.S. I need to ask some of my online business mentors for help. And I am just scared to death to do that.
Giving up is NOT an option.
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Location: Western Wisconsin
Posts: 7,808
Why are you scared to do it, MB? Are you afraid they will think you are incompetent? If they are supposed to be mentors, they are there to help you! I understand it, though. I ask for help all the time at work (my job is complicated and I am somewhat new, and still learning). I used to be afraid to do it, but I now realize no one expects me to know everything, and they appreciate being asked, because it means I'm trying to learn and get better at the job. It is in everyone's best interest that you learn everything you can!
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I think it's good for people to be the helping ones, too. It makes us feel connected. Unfortunately women in particular seem to take this on as our sole reason for being, then it becomes a problem for us and everyone around us. When it comes to "helping" - I think moderation is the way for me. Otherwise my ego tells me people need me.
I got into recovery in 1989 because of my inability to navigate any kind of relationships without drinking. After some sober time I was able to see that the best thing for me was to limit time with those people instead of trying to drag them to wellness (wellness according to me, of course.) Please act the way I think you should, so I won't be uncomfortable. It was a revelation to me to understand it's not my problem if they want to stay in misery for the moment or for their one precious lifetime.
One day in the early nineties I read a line, "Don't do anything and watch what happens." heh. In Friends and Family of Alcoholics they say, "Don't do something, just stand there."
Life. Changing.
These days I'm much more able to say my piece and walk away. If they think it makes sense, okay. If they don't, okay. I don't get invested in their outcome. They are on their own path, they have their own Higher Power, as it were.
My primary recovery was and still is from codependency - and I learned it early. I'd say by age five.
If they had only listened to me, Queen of the Universe.
How did work for ya, Bim?
I like it much better when they get to do them, and I'm responsible for me.
I got into recovery in 1989 because of my inability to navigate any kind of relationships without drinking. After some sober time I was able to see that the best thing for me was to limit time with those people instead of trying to drag them to wellness (wellness according to me, of course.) Please act the way I think you should, so I won't be uncomfortable. It was a revelation to me to understand it's not my problem if they want to stay in misery for the moment or for their one precious lifetime.
One day in the early nineties I read a line, "Don't do anything and watch what happens." heh. In Friends and Family of Alcoholics they say, "Don't do something, just stand there."
Life. Changing.
These days I'm much more able to say my piece and walk away. If they think it makes sense, okay. If they don't, okay. I don't get invested in their outcome. They are on their own path, they have their own Higher Power, as it were.
My primary recovery was and still is from codependency - and I learned it early. I'd say by age five.
- Help others.
- Be worried about other peoples' problems (..and then the progression/addiction to control.)
- Take on their problems.
- Try to fix them.
- Get angry when that doesn't work. (Pro-tip: it never works.)
- Blame self for not having the right solution. *If only I'd said _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _.*
- Spiral down with anxiety because they get worse and have to OH NO suffer the consequences.
If they had only listened to me, Queen of the Universe.
How did work for ya, Bim?
I like it much better when they get to do them, and I'm responsible for me.
Mr
Join Date: Mar 2016
Location: FRANCE
Posts: 5,230
Bim, I had to read that twice and I might have to read it a third time
I admit I can be slow after a long day !
Helping others inadvertently helps ourselves ?
Like by making people happy is a great way of being happy oneself ?
I admit I can be slow after a long day !
Helping others inadvertently helps ourselves ?
Like by making people happy is a great way of being happy oneself ?
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
Originally Posted by theVman31 
Bim, I had to read that twice and I might have to read it a third time
I admit I can be slow after a long day !
Helping others inadvertently helps ourselves ?
Like by making people happy is a great way of being happy oneself ?
I admit I can be slow after a long day !
Helping others inadvertently helps ourselves ?
Like by making people happy is a great way of being happy oneself ?
Just the opposite. It feels good to be connected to people, but it's easy to go overboard and let it become a pathology.
The bullet points are the progression of the unhealthy "helping."
Member
Join Date: Oct 2016
Location: Europe
Posts: 793
I agree with you, bim, to some extent, but am also with hawkeye - sometimes you help yourself by helping others. I think it is important to make sure though, that you are in a place where you are anchored, before you wade in to help someone.
I think, it is hard for most people to ask for help. These forums help as you see so much acceptance.
I know, for me, when things start to get confrontational, i shy away, and that is as true here as it is face to face.
I think, it is hard for most people to ask for help. These forums help as you see so much acceptance.
I know, for me, when things start to get confrontational, i shy away, and that is as true here as it is face to face.
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