Hi everyone. Thanks for all the great responses. I don't want to break the rules by turning this into a debate. I do want to understand why I'm feeling this way and push past it or make a decision to abandon AA and be OK with that. I don't believe that normal doubts and critical thinking is the enemy of sobriety or just my AV talking. This is just the way I am and I think it's helped me avoid a lot of grief in my life (including almost being recruited into a cult). I'm not saying AA is a cult by any means, but I'm saying my critical thinking has helped me in the past.
I also attend LifeRing and Refuge Recovery. I still consider myself to be in the exploratory phase. I know myself and realize if I jump headfirst into AA without making sure it is right for me, someone or something will **** me off and I'll decide my recovery isn't that important. I feel resolved to stay sober, regardless of what I decide. This forum helps a lot.
When I mentioned my mom and her attitude about my disease, I actually wasn't talking about alcoholism, but the same would apply if she were still alive to see me get sober. I was referring to bipolar disorder. I could be classified as one of those "unfortunates" because I am mentally ill and I have been institutionalized. My mother was very religious and thought everything could be solved with prayer and if prayer doesn't work, it must be your fault because "prayer always works". This is what is triggered when I read "How It Works".
I plan to go to my AA women's meeting tomorrow. I usually don't stay for coffee at the nearby cafe after but this time I will. I will ask questions and try to get some more understanding of what this program is all about and what their experiences have been. I've been to this meeting four times now and I think I've been reluctant to stay after because I don't want to be approached about sponsorship. I'm willing to brave it tomorrow to get some insight to some wise women in recovery.
Thanks again for all your insights and suggestions. I really appreciate the diversity of opinions and experience here.