HoneyBeez

I know I don't say much here, as most of the time, I just don't feel I have experience to share that anyone would find valuable. But this:

This is spot on.

Even if he completes rehab, comes home, and is dedicated to sobriety, it won't be a walk in the park. He HAS to learn how to deal with life without that bottle. And while rehab gives tools, it doesn't give a magic pill.

It's funny (not haha funny, but odd funny) ... when my AGF went into rehab, I knew it wasn't going to be happily ever after upon her return. I knew there was damage, I knew the fall out wasn't going to disappear in 21 to 28 days. I admit, I didn't have any real idea of what it WOULD be like, but I knew rainbows and puppy dogs was not going to happen. It was her with that idea ... she thought, she would learn how to stop drinking, and everything would just be "ok" again.

She is now approaching 6 months sober, and the last 6 months, life has been more or less in a holding pattern. She has had to learn how to deal with life, and the things and emotions that come with it, without simply drinking them away. It's been a process. And while I'm not regretful in any way that I am still there, nor do I wish to be not there, I do wonder sometimes if it would have been easier on her if she were alone. Not in the loneliness sense, just in the ... less distractions and more time to focus sense. In her case, even without me, she would have had her son. He has some emotional and developmental issues, so her life would not have been stress free anyway. But still, I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier? (that's not the word), but maybe more efficient if she could have just concentrated on that alone.

But, still, 7 months has passed since her return home from rehab. We are JUST now starting to talk about when it might be good to talk about our future plans (our lease will run out, we have to make decisions). It will be probably Jan or Feb before we can have that conversation for real with actual laid out plans.

All of this is to say ... you have a plan. And while re-hab is an awesome first step, it's not the be all and end all of everything. He may not make it on the first try. he may relapse and use that to strengthen his commitment (this is what happened to my gf). He may relapse and return to his old ways. He might be a pillar of sobriety, and work his program diligently. But no matter what, HE has a lot of work to do on him. You can't help him stay sober. (It took me a long while to accept this). Don't change your plan for YOU and YOUR recovery for something you can't effect in any way. He's got a while of what will basically be a self focused holding pattern (in terms of the relationship and non-internal things) if he's dedicated. Don't sacrifice your plan for you for hope that he's dedicated. You can always reconsider down the road, once you have some actual experience in seeing if his actions match his words. If they don't, then you aren't reliving this same experience again.