fml23

Posting on here has been really helpful so I'm at it again. I've been away over the last week trying to get my barings in the non-digital world.

It's been a week and a half since I moved into my own apartment and AH shocked the ever living you know what out of me by actually checking himself into detox and rehab. I'm still struggling. In fact, as the chaos of AH has died down I have been slammed with the worst depression I can explain. Objectively, things have worked out in basically the MOST positive way possible for me. I have my own space, my divorce papers are ready but I don't have any pressure at all to move ahead on them, AH actually followed through on seeking treatment (regardless of anything he has never attempted any kind of alcohol specific treatment so this is a HUGE win for me and my daughter bc it was gearing up to be a knock down drag out in terms of custody bc he just wouldn't get real about his drinking). I am not really involved in his rehab or treatment, I took a huge step back from communicating because after several posts on here I realized I'm miserable every time we speak and I deserve some peace. I also felt really proud because I did that very directly and told AH why I didn't want to talk and that I support his sobriety but I am taking space for myself. Uncharacteristically, he respected that. He seems to be taking recovery seriously (for a few weeks, haha I know). So anyways I should be happy, right? The sheer panic and chaos has ended, I get to breathe and get comfortable in my new place. Refocus energy on me and my daughter. But now I just feel totally devastated. I am homesick. I am devastated that things got so bad. I'm mortified that I have very strong tender feelings and even pride that AH got treatment. Dare I say it, I even feel kinda hopeful. Everything I always wanted, right? That's the dream, the alcoholic realizes how bad things are and seeks treatment? Only he waited so long. And all the damage was already done! I had all but decided I never wanted to speak to him again and then bam! He's in treatment. I'm in limbo. I feel like I'm holding my breath. I was ready to full steam ahead, divorce the stinking jerk, throw the book at him and protect myself and daughter. Now I am faced with a totally different scenario. It's a better one, one where I don't have to divorce and act from a place of crisis, where my daughter seems largely unscathed from his drinking and if he keeps at sobriety he can keep his good relationship with her (he is an alcoholic and that effects the family, but honest to goodness she thinks he's the bees knees and I NEVER tell her otherwise, just that Daddy has a sickness where he drinks too much even though it makes him feel bad and act bad).
I can't help but think it's always about them. It always about the alcoholic. It's like he of all people has the ability to do the kind of 180 that flies in the face of all my plans. Good, bad, he flips the script on my life in an instant. Sure, I have every right to just torch the marriage, never speak to him again, full steam ahead. Instead I find myself thinking 'maybe I want to stay separated for a year and see how he maintains sobriety' and then the other voice that says, 'another year?!? Get a life!' I dunno. I'm just surprised at how awful this is. I always thought rehab would be the end game.

Ariesagain

Limbo is rough. Some people can stay there indefinitely...I never could. There's also something I think of as an adrenaline hangover...you charge full speed ahead because of a crisis situation and then when the immediate danger has passed...you're exhausted and just flat. Been there often...you have my sympathy. Especially when there is no clear outcome.

You were bound to have ambivalent feelings and second thoughts about the divorce no matter what his actions or lack thereof. No one gets married thinking "Eh, so what's a divorce, no biggie."

Listen to your instincts and your experience with this person. Rehab is not the end game...if someone is serious about recovery, it's barely the beginning.

More will be revealed, as they say...

Sending you a hug.

Ladybird579

You don't have to be married for your daughter to keep a good relationship with her dad if he maintains sobriety. However if he doesn't it doesn't matter how much she loves him cos in time she is going to need to know the truth. In time, as he gets worse, he will stop bothering with her. My exah did my children. Him going to rehab for the first time doesn't change everything that has happened in the past. The rehab now is pure manipulation...the "see I am doing it now and you didn't stick around to see me change." He's playing you. You need to heal. You are grieving the what might have been but never was in reality. Stick to your guns and see what he's like in a few years. My exah lives in a rehab but he's never had one day sober.

dandylion

f ml23.......stick to your boundaries. Keep reading the articles in the links that I gave you...as it will give you a much better understanding about what recovery really entails, for the alcoholic ...and for yourself.....
Even for the very motivated alcoholic...recovery is no trip through the park. It demands tough work and a lot of time investment. It isn't overnight....it is more like 2-3years....Yes, I know that one year of uninterrupted sobriety is often recommended....but, really, that is about where they begin to get their "sea legs",,,if they are working on it intensely. By that, I mean that it is their top priority...and they go to lots of meetings...often, every day, and have a sponsor , and are actually working through the steps....and, additional therapy and medication, if they happen to have a co-occurring condition.
It is sooo much more than just not consuming alcohol. It is more than just white knuckling...or, willpower. It is about a change in lifestyle...and a change in the way of thinking, a change in attitude and a resultant change in behaviors.

I think, that, in addition to the grieving of the lost fantasy of the Norman Rockwell family scenario, you are still being imprisoned by the hope that you have used as your lighthouse for survival....
Hope, when applied to an addict is about as helpful as a paper paddle.....
I think, that, with an addict (of any kind)...that hope has to be replaced by reality. Recognition of reality. Hope is the thing that keeps more loved ones imprisoned than metal bars and armed guards. It is much more subtle...and lethal....
Like the poor caterpillar that keeps hoping and hoping that it will, one day, fly away...without going through metamorphosis....

Just keep working on your own self....attending your groups, and seeing your counselor, and continuing to read an learn....New activities and new friends and experiences.....
Your future will unfold around you...a day at a time....

You can stay separated as long as you want to....
At least, since he has gone to rehab...you will have that on record as "proof" that he is an alcoholic, if he every gets it in his head to do a custody battle...if he ever relapses.....

I wonder if his surprising decision to check into rehab is because he m ight have been advised that that would help his "case"......I am not saying that it IS,,,,and, I would hope that he wants to get sober for the right reasons....but, I have seen people do that....

Seren

fml

Perhaps you have been running on adrenalin for so long that your body is just crashing now that the 'immediate threat' is gone.

I hope you can take some time to get some extra rest, eat well, get some exercise as you can. Take good care of you and the little one!!

hearthealth

I know all those feelings. Rehab is just the first step. No one knows if he will want to stay sober and work a program for the long haul. Take your time to do things for yourself and your daughter. That's were I find my happiness. Keep the focus there. There is a rollar coaster of emotions that will happen.

If he stays sober there's charecter defects that don't just vanish. They arise and need to be addressed. See if it's just a knee jerk reaction or he's truly committed.

FeelingGreat

fml23, you're having an adrenaline hangover and it's perfectly normal. Try not to over-think everything right now, after all he's on his journey and you're on yours.

Good that you've shocked him into rehab, but it probably wouldn't have happened if you'd stayed. That's the Catch-22 of alcoholism.

Try to get outside and walk in the sun (is there sun where you are?). It's very good for depression and working off those hormones affecting your mood.

maia1234

Follow through with your plan, divorce and working a program takes a long time. More will be revealed. Don't make any decisions other then your original plan. Hugs you are moving along fine. Just breath!!

Nola0250

fml23,

This is exactly where I am right now. I like this phrase you used particularly:

"flips the script on my life in an instant"

THIS is the problem in my life. I've been agonizing about leaving my AH for years. Now that I'm finally holding the decision firm in my mind, have consulted an attorney and am having papers drawn up, picked the filing date when I will tell him we're divorcing - now he is sober. Now he is out there in the job market getting good interviews for higher level positions, exercising, taking care of himself. Now he is realizing "for the first time" how serious his alcohol dependence has been and for how long, etc.

Some of it feels more genuine to me than the previous ********, which makes this really hard, but probably most of it is still alcoholic ********.

I logged on to post about my conflicting emotions and how painful this all is, even though I know the right thing to do. Then I read your post and I think for me, that phrase is the key:

"flips the script on my life in an instant"

Yes he does, and he will keep on doing that as long as he wants and needs to. If I stay, my life will end up being on his terms.

I hope you work this through and do what's right for you. In the long run, that will be the best and healthiest thing for your daughter too, and probably for your AH.

atalose

Only if you allow it to be all about them.

Sitting in limbo is like sitting in a car that has run out of gas, you can stay in it all you want but it’s not going anywhere.

You don’t have to make a firm decision today or even tomorrow or next week on divorce. You also don’t need to plan your entire future today based on someone’s first trip to rehab.

I understand your thinking that this is a Hugh big deal that he has put himself into rehab, and it could very well be but it certainly is not anything to bank your future on.

This is the part of our recovery that we must work on, putting our lives, our happiness and our future into the hands of someone not even capable of handling their own life well. And as we sit and watch and wait to see if they can handle their own life our life is passing us by.

fml23

It's the total mind f*** of the addiction. From my perspective AH IS being serious about recovery in a genuine way. I believe him when he says he woke up hungover and realized he's going to drink himself to death alone and it's not what he wants for himself or his family. It's not that I doubt him or want to down play that. Its just like isn't that another example of how an addict thinks they are the center of the universe?

fml23

This is pretty much the sum total of my grief. I miss my home and my life and all the things I worked hard to build in a space that wasn't working for me. I am reckoning with why I did this. Why was it acceptable. Why I settled for it. Why didn't I leave 7 years ago? I know there are no easy answers to this. I just wasn't there. I feel the same now. I want to be further ahead then I am. I want to say to myself, come out of limbo and don't let another moment pass focused on this. But emotionally, it's just not where I'm at. I feel dull and ambiguous.

Nola0250

I'm right there with ya, if that helps. I'm amazed by the number of precious years I've lost. Filing date for divorce next week Thurs and going to tell AH that day.

It would be so much easier if I didn't still love him. But in realizing that he has loved the drink more than me for years, and that I actually do love me more than I love him, that has helped give me strength.

fml23

I get this. In my case, I watched my AH battle with two dueling loves: his family intact and alcohol. It hurts that we were ever on the same playing field and it double hurts that it was more logical to berate ME into submitting to alcohol abuse to keep both then to give either up. That's what the codependency means to me: that I'm ALWAYS the malleable component. No matter what's on the table I am the one flexing to fit. I never ask anybody else to flex for me.

dandylion

fml.....this is where the family of oirigin work, in therapy, becomes important....
Nobody is born co-dependent.....it almost always begins in early childhood development.
If one doesn't get to the origin of it and learn new ways of being...the same pattern will follow into future relationships....most especially, any intimate relationships....
We humans tend to follow our own patterns unless we gain more insight into them....
The great thing about insight....is, that, nobody can take it away from you...it is yours forever....

fml23

I'm happy to do the work on myself, but it's difficult. It's all slow going. When I first accepted (years ago) that my husband was an alcoholic and we didn't just have marital problems, I went to therapy. I did the things I was asked, I started exercising, I built a network of ppl to help me and my daughter, got hobbies. I got real about my career and went back to finish my degree. All those things are hard, and long term. Nothing that makes me feel better instantly. I keep chipping away, but it's hard. Old habits die hard.

I always feel a bit out of sync. I expect things from the world that don't happen. An example, from today. The case manager calls from the rehab and asks if I will participate in a family session. I say I need to think about if that is gonna work for me, she's bitchy and annoyed. I call back, ask about times in weekend and evening (I work full time, I go to school full time, I have a child) and she laughs like that's a HILARIOUS question. I tell her I'll need to talk to my employer, once again she's rushing me. Call my manager: I need to get FMLA for time off. Ok, easy, get the form, confirm how it needs to be filled out. Call the case manager. She gives me non stop s***. Basically, this is work for her. She says they don't do FMLA. I should call my doctor (um no, I don't have a medical condition requiring care- HE does) then ok, begrudgingly, she'll see if the doctor can do this. Of course, she emails me back saying the doctor won't. So for the third time with this facility (it's my insurance so I keep ending up involved!!) I have to complain to the program director. Why? Why is it so hard to get what I need from a situation? So now I'm furious, I am not interested in going to any sessions. This is common for me. I feel like I get presented with this constant barrage of ppl saying they can't or won't do X. Is this just life? I dunno why I expect that I can ask for things and they get done. The pressure is enormous. So then the answer becomes, no I won't participate in his care at all bc it's too much for me. I can't emphasize enough how often I feel this way. Like I am the only sane person in a world of lunatics. Is that just me?!!

TJD912

With some minor details different, I am at the tail end of 3 years of that limbo and separation with almost ex AH and dashed hopes of him getting/staying sober, stopping the blame, the yelling, the craziness, and all of that. And yes, I have been and will continue to work on myself as well.

I went through that same feeling which kept me in limbo b/c I couldn't fully let go or admit this was never going to change, b/c well, some days were just so nice and fun and we have it good again.

No. The insidious effects of alcohol turned me into the frog in boiling water. Except I realized and got out, albeit little by little starting three years ago. Divorce will be final in 2 weeks. I wish I had done this back then and not wasted three more years.

I promise your feelings will pass...if you don't re-engage. If you keep re-engaging, you start over and it's horrible. It will always be about the alcoholic. If they are sober, it's all about them. If they're active in their alcoholism, it's all about them. You're just never going to have a "normal" relationship.

The AH in my life kept showing me who he really was and who he had become, and I kept holding onto what used to be almost a decade ago. I'll never have that back again, so I finally realized I either needed to get out or keep re-living the up and down nightmare.

Keep moving forward. Each day, one day, one hour at a time. It will be worth it. Don't re-engage.

honeypig

fml, all I have to offer is this 2-part article on grieving. It helped me quite a bit, and maybe you'll find something useful in it too:

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

https://www.cottonwooddetucson.com/p...ner-112011.pdf

fml23

That helps. A lot.

hearthealth

how an addict thinks they are the center of the universe?

I wonder as a codependent. I start healing when I become the healthy center of my universe. When I discover my boundaries, goals and desires for the future. Separate from the qualifier. A glimmer of hope in qualifier is not enough to bank a life time on.