Praying
I go downstairs to sleep when he drinks because otherwise I get none. Generally I also wear earplugs so I don't wake up to the sounds of falling down, endless peeing with the bathroom door open, etc. Last night, at some point I took them out. Well, I woke up very early this morning to him talking pretty loudly up in the bedroom. It sounded like a conversation. So, nosy, irritated me, creeps up the stairs because there was an issue a few months ago with him talking to some woman on the phone. Yep. He sure sounded like he was on the phone, and since I knew that he would either say I made it up or that I had misheard, etc. I turned on my video camera to record the audio from under the bedroom door. Sure enough, before even a minute elapsed, he was saying, "I want to know how you feel about this long, long, long conversation?", short pause, then "I hoped you'd have more to say. But, it's cool. Don't you have to train tomorrow?" Another short pause, "Okay, well go to bed. Get your rest. Go to bed, honey." Another pause..."Well, I love you. I will always love you. You're my heart, soul, mind, body, and strength, just below Jesus!"
I cut off the recorder then and went downstairs, hurt and angry of course. Figured I'd tell him about it when he was sober, give him a chance to be honest. First of course he tried to tell me I was crazy and imagined or made it up. Check. Then, I informed him of the recording and played it for him. I seriously thought he'd come clean, but no! He said at first that he was "praying" and listening for God's response. I told him I'm not an idiot and so now he says he must have been hallucinating. I'm absolutely floored, yet not! This is totally not ok with me, and I think that was the straw that has broken this camel's back. I've prayed about it, trying to decide what to do, going to the soonest Al-Anon meeting in my area, which is Saturday, I'm a newbie at Al-Anon, no sponsor yet, no phone numbers from any other members, so nobody to talk to about this. However, even in my messed up state of mind, I have too much self respect for this kind of bologna. I think it's time I do better for myself. I deserve it.