Trying to find my way out and frustrated
AH has now been "not drinking" for a little more than a month. I suspect but can't be certain that he drank once, and he also did a marijuana edible during that time (using another mood altering substance to self-medicate 3 weeks after admitting you are chemically dependent - wow not good). He went to one AA meeting and then decided it was not for him. He heard stories he couldn't relate to because he was "never that bad." His experience with alcohol (like everything else about him) is special and different. He has started a whole new life. Problem solved.
He knows I have been "working some things out" and thinks I should be done already. He is trying to get into my head and "help" me. He is expressing support for my need for more personal space while following me around, tracking my location on my phone during the day and checking on me, and trying to get into my head.
Meanwhile, I am consulting a divorce attorney, but I have a trip planned and can't meet with them until first week of October. I have struggled so hard with this for so many years. I love him so much. He is kind, funny, sweet and loving in ways that are easy for him. He is also manipulative, underemployed, not supportive when it really matters, massively self centered (worse when drinking but always focused on his needs above all else regardless of harm to me and can justify anything to get what he wants), controlling. I feel mindfucked.
I was hoping to be able to spend a bit more time getting my act together before I tell him and move out (like figure out where I'm going to go and how I'm going to pay for it - I can make it happen, just logistics are challenging while working 10-12hrs/day and having no privacy at home). I know I have a ton of work to do on my own issues and how I let this happen to myself, and I can't do it here while he is desperately trying to hold onto me and undo it. It's also, I'm sure, hurting him and I don't need to do that more than necessary.
Anyway, just frustrated and needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.