Trying to find my way out and frustrated

Old 09-21-2017, 03:39 AM
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Trying to find my way out and frustrated

AH has now been "not drinking" for a little more than a month. I suspect but can't be certain that he drank once, and he also did a marijuana edible during that time (using another mood altering substance to self-medicate 3 weeks after admitting you are chemically dependent - wow not good). He went to one AA meeting and then decided it was not for him. He heard stories he couldn't relate to because he was "never that bad." His experience with alcohol (like everything else about him) is special and different. He has started a whole new life. Problem solved.

He knows I have been "working some things out" and thinks I should be done already. He is trying to get into my head and "help" me. He is expressing support for my need for more personal space while following me around, tracking my location on my phone during the day and checking on me, and trying to get into my head.

Meanwhile, I am consulting a divorce attorney, but I have a trip planned and can't meet with them until first week of October. I have struggled so hard with this for so many years. I love him so much. He is kind, funny, sweet and loving in ways that are easy for him. He is also manipulative, underemployed, not supportive when it really matters, massively self centered (worse when drinking but always focused on his needs above all else regardless of harm to me and can justify anything to get what he wants), controlling. I feel mindfucked.

I was hoping to be able to spend a bit more time getting my act together before I tell him and move out (like figure out where I'm going to go and how I'm going to pay for it - I can make it happen, just logistics are challenging while working 10-12hrs/day and having no privacy at home). I know I have a ton of work to do on my own issues and how I let this happen to myself, and I can't do it here while he is desperately trying to hold onto me and undo it. It's also, I'm sure, hurting him and I don't need to do that more than necessary.

Anyway, just frustrated and needed to get that out. Thanks for listening.
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Old 09-21-2017, 04:06 AM
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Nola.......
This article, from taken from our Classic Reading section of our stickies section (where our library of excellent articles about alcoholism and the effects on the loved ones, is located).....This article might be good for you to read, right now, because it is a pretty good yardstick.....

https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...-reposted.html (10 Ways to Tell When an Addict or Alcoholic is Full of ****, reposted)
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Old 09-21-2017, 05:31 AM
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Nola,
This is not a race, it is a marathon. Step back and make calculated decisions. First off I would turn off the gps. You are an adult and no one needs to monitor you, especially a "sober" addict. Second his sobriety is not white knuckling it, its about growing up, sobering up and working a program. Is he doing that?

So technically he has done nothing. I am not sure i understand this correctly, so your feeling guilty about filing for divorce? Nothing has changed but him "maybe" hiding that he is drinking to keep on good terms with you while you are so angry. Eating marijuana edibles is not considered being sober. They always say that when addicts seek sobriety you can tell. Is he going to meetings, seeking support from other sober addicts, is thinking of others before himself, doesn't sound like it. I am sorry, but I have never met an addict whos first meeting at aa, said they loved it.

Divorce takes a long time. Follow through with the meeting. He hasn't changed and I would also demand that he backs off. Turning is obsession on to you is not going to get him any "best husband awards" anytime soon. In my mind he is nothing but a "sober" drunk, same characteristics. Sorry take your time and it will all fall into place the way it's suppose to.
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Old 09-21-2017, 06:28 AM
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Thanks to you both. I know these things, but sometimes I enjoy having you guys beat me over the head with facts.

Also I've been on this roller coaster for 10 years (first 3 years were good, though there were red flags waving that I should have seen even before I married him). There are many reasons to get off this ride soon and very few not to, other than me using excuses of logistical difficulties to continue to be nonconfrontational.

I'm struggling like hell to keep some boundaries up while he's spending all his free time (and he has a lot more than me) trying to enmesh himself further with me.

You're right, it is a marathon - not just the divorce, but my recovery. His is not real, I know that. I was racing initially, but slowed down and found the right attorney for me who I feel good about doing things simply and efficiently. The first one was so busy that even though I met her a month ago, she could not see me again to discuss filing for 3 weeks and then would have no time to consider doing it until the end of Sept (met her in early August). The new one appears to be very reasonable, but I can't meet with her in person as soon as I want just because of my own schedule, and it's getting me fired up.

I'm tired. Looking for personal space and being chased around the house. I guess I just really need to complete the first step of separation so that I can sit quietly and just THINK.

Again, thanks for listening.
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Old 09-21-2017, 07:46 AM
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"......trying to enmesh himself further with me......."

Dear Nola
"Enmesh." Very insightful choice of words. You have obviously done a lot of thinking to come to that realization.

I remember when my ex and I separated. I ran on autopilot.

Please DO keep coming back!
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