Originally Posted by
JD 
Here's what I learned from a life time of suffering from depression. If I'm drinking there is no hope of me getting better. Without drinking there's hope. I'm 2 years sober and the depression is still there. But it's manageable I don't hate my life.
At this point I think I've figured out that I lose myself to alcohol because I don't care. Life just gets to this point where I've been trying so hard for so long, and **** just keeps happening. I can find reasons to want to get my life on track and I can run off of that optimism for a long time. But then I find myself here, where there is no hope and no point. I just don't care anymore. That's why I know this is probably going to be bad.
I really need to learn how to lean on people. To trust people. To form friendships and connections. My family is terrible. They dismiss me and ignore me. That's what I grew up with. I have a really hard time even admitting that I need other people. And then every instance of others dismissing me or making me feel like they don't understand where I'm at just isolates me more.
I don't know how different I am than other people, but I do know that people don't love me. I don't know why, but when many people reject me, it's got to be something about myself. But I don't know how to fix it. I've tried.