LimitedLemur

So I've struggled with alcohol on and off for years. This year has been pretty good. But lately I've been really stressed out, and especially these last couple days, I can feel myself slipping.

I spent all day drunk yesterday. I skipped class, I'm skipping assignments....ruining everything, basically.

Maybe I wasn't ready to go back to school. Maybe some situations at my work are stressing me out too much. I recently had a falling out with my therapist and I can't find anyone else, so maybe that's it. Or a combination of everything. But I know this is the beginning of the end. I can feel it.

This whole year, I've not even cared that I wasn't drinking. I figured, you know, I have a future and stuff, I should focus and stay away from the booze. And it's been fine. Some rough patches, but fine.

But now it's different. I hate everything. I hate my whole day. I live alone, I have no friends, my family moved away....having issues with coworkers. I don't want to get up in the morning. All I want is to drink and stay in bed.

Obviously I'm depressed. But I'm so sick of my life. I've worked so hard to get myself better this year, but everyone always abandons me. It's always just going to be me alone with my effed up thoughts. This life is torture. I'm getting to the point where I really don't understand why I'm trying. Like....what am I even doing? Life sucks. It sucks for everyone, I know. But I have absolutely nothing to live for. I can't even focus enough to make a future career for myself. If I'm stuck in retail forever.....who wants that?

I know the booze will be the end of me. I got a DUI a couple years ago, after crashing my car (no one was hurt, thank god.) but all I can think is that it's going to spiral to the point where I'm either dead or in jail by the end of the year. I just know it. Maybe it's a self-fulfilling prophecy, but there's no way I can trust myself anymore.

I don't know what I expect from you guys. Every time I try to reach out to other people things either don't get better, or it just causes more problems. I know I'm effed up in the head (I've got PTSD, it makes relationships really hard, so I've just ended up completely isolating myself). But I don't know what to do. I feel like it's crucial that I do something soon, but........I feel like nothing can be done. I'm tired of this dance of getting kinda better and crashing again. It's exhausting and I never make lasting change.

I guess I could try harder, but when the hope is gone it just seems stupid to keep trying. Why should things get better? They never do; they only get worse.

doggonecarl

Obviously. So address it. Medically.

Then tackle sobriety.

LimitedLemur

No offense, but I've been doing this dance my whole life. Antidepressants, therapy, positive psychology, I've read every damn book I can get my hands on. It's not like I haven't tried. And honestly, it's the PTSD that causes my depression. So that's the main problem.

That's what I'm saying. It doesn't get better.

But thanks anyway.

JD

Here's what I learned from a life time of suffering from depression. If I'm drinking there is no hope of me getting better. Without drinking there's hope. I'm 2 years sober and the depression is still there. But it's manageable I don't hate my life.

LimitedLemur

At this point I think I've figured out that I lose myself to alcohol because I don't care. Life just gets to this point where I've been trying so hard for so long, and **** just keeps happening. I can find reasons to want to get my life on track and I can run off of that optimism for a long time. But then I find myself here, where there is no hope and no point. I just don't care anymore. That's why I know this is probably going to be bad.

I really need to learn how to lean on people. To trust people. To form friendships and connections. My family is terrible. They dismiss me and ignore me. That's what I grew up with. I have a really hard time even admitting that I need other people. And then every instance of others dismissing me or making me feel like they don't understand where I'm at just isolates me more.

I don't know how different I am than other people, but I do know that people don't love me. I don't know why, but when many people reject me, it's got to be something about myself. But I don't know how to fix it. I've tried.

Glammieofone

Is it possible to move closer to family. Retail is pretty open, especially with Xmas coming. Transfer your credits? It sounds like your very busy but sometimes getting out and volunteering to help others can put things into perspective.

LimitedLemur

Therapy helped me see how toxic my family is. My mother has Borderline Personality Disorder, and the entire house it just hectic and no good for me. I pretty much get black out drunk anytime I'm with them. Best to avoid, I think.

But volunteering is something I could do. It's kind of a small town, but I'm sure there's something I could do. I work full time and have full time credit hours, so I don't know how easy it will be.

Glammieofone

I just saw your post about family. I totally understand. If you look at the bulletin board at school sometimes they will post flyers looking for volunteers. Looks great on a resume too. Maybe see if you can join any clubs that you find of interest. Good way to meet people who enjoy the same things you do.

JD

I get it. Escaping the world using alcohol is very alluring. I did it for 40 years. And believe me, there were lots of times (most of the time?) where I didn't care either. I had a constant mantra running through my head saying I hate my life. What's funny is it is so ingrained that it still pops up in my head. I have to catch it and say "wait a minute, that's not true". As I said, the depression is still there in sobriety but I can now look at it and say that's just depression. I no longer spiral down where I don't care any more. And there's still things in life that really suck. But I can see them for what they are.

Everyone on this site does care about you. Never give up!

LimitedLemur

I guess I don't understand why I get here, to the point of giving up. I'm always depressed...I can't remember a time when I wasn't. But there are times when I can push through and things are manageable. And then there are times when they're not at all manageable.

As soon as the season starts to change, I start getting more depressed. I have a lot of trauma centered around this time of year, so maybe it's just that.

My boss has been kind of harassing me lately, which I feel like has been a major trigger for me. I mean, it all makes sense. I think I know why I'm here. I just feel so hopeless because I've never gotten myself 'out' of here. Once it gets this bad, it only ever gets worse.

Maybe this time can be different. Maybe everything I've learned will help me this year. I was really counting on being in therapy at this point, but my therapist doesn't want to see me anymore. So I'm alone in this again.

It helps to know that you've overcome so much. I'm not looking forward to this being the rest of my life. I really hope I can find the strength to soldier on sans alcohol. But the more I fail, the more I drink. My grades suck, I keep going home early from work. At my core, I don't want to be part of life anymore. I guess it's just hard to see that I can get through this.

I go on vacation soon. Maybe that'll help. I just want to snap out of this because it's killing me.

Thank you so much for being there for me. It means so much to me.

JD

No worries. No one likes to see someone suffering.

ScottFromWI

It most likely goes without saying, but it's worth noting that Alcohol is a central nervous system depressant. So drinking will make you depressed of course. And if you have depression it will make it worse.

You ask "why" you always end up in this state. I don't deal with depression, but I do deal with anxiety - clinically diagnosed. Part of the solution to dealing with my anxiety was simply to accept that I am an anxious person. That doesn't mean I can't make my life a whole lot more manageable, but there is no magic fix to make me NOT be an anxious person. Just like there is no magic fix to allow me to drink alcohol anymore... I will always drink alcoholically if I do. And I can never change that.

waynetheking

Hmmmm, alcohol is a depressant, your constantly depressed?
How's about quitting the drinking and see if that changes for you. Just a suggestion.
Quit trying to quit. Start accepting that your an alcoholic. Quit fighting the disease. Just let sobriety have the day. Resolve the fact that you can't drink again. Ever. Life goes on. If you continue drinking the consequences are deadly. You won't make it. You'll die from alcoholism. It's a slow painful disease and you'll die from it. Make no mistake about it. Is that what you want? I certainly hope not. ACCEPTANCE is the key in beating alcoholism. I hope our post mean something to you. You certainly mean something to us. Always.

2muchpain

Have you tried CBT or group therapy? Lots of people with PTSD in the group I was in. John

Delilah1

Hi LimitedLemur,

I'm so glad you decided to post. I think all of us joined SR feeling some of what you are feeling. I have always dealt with anxiety, and used to think alcohol helped me to alleviate the stress/anxiety, but truthfully it just made it worse and whatever issue was going on was still there the next day, and I was now dealing with it hungover.

What are you going to school for? Are there any activites around campus you can joint to meet others? When I first moved across the country I joined Team in Training which is a running group that also fundraisers for leukemia. I ended up training for a marathon, which gave me lots of time to meet and talk with new people, and although I had always been active I had never really run before so I was one of the back of the pack people, in my opinion they are the best part of any race! Anyway, exercise might be a good way to meet people, and also feel better.

The fact that you are on here and posting tells that you care, and want to be sober. You can do this, there are so many different paths to recovery.

Two great places to find a supportive group on here are the monthly classes (you can join September of 2017), and also the 24 hour thread. I still check in there each day, and the group is very supportive.

Looking forward to seeing you on here!!

Dee74

Hi LL

I'm not sure what to add except I'm been depressed when drinking and depressed sober and sober beats drinking every time.

I've struggled with depression all my life.

It's at it's least ever right now because I've worked hard at it - stopping drinking and drugging, tried counselling, tried meds - it took a while to get the right mix...

longer than I wanted...but I spent way longer trying to get booze to fix me..

Whats the point?

I deserve the best life I can muster - you do too

tangledknot

First off, thanks for sharing your story and reaching out here. I relate to your experiences in a major way. My family life was awful growing up and has contributed to a lot of, if not all of, the psychological issues I have now in adulthood.

When you have no solid foundation for trust or self worth, it crumbles easily under the pressure of life's troubles. That's the issue I keep running into also--I feel like I'm on the right track, making progress for a while, then I get emotional or apathetic and start being self destructive.

What I do know is that now that I've tried to quit drinking and have had more sober days than drunk days recently, I've felt more calm and less depressed than I used to. I've noticed that the day after I drink, I always feel down in my spirits. I'm finally aware of how alcohol makes me feel physically and mentally, which discourages me from indulging when I face temptation.

It's also forced me to come to terms with feelings that I used to numb with alcohol, which is giving me more mental strength. Hopelessness can be so intense at times that all you want to do is run away from it, but if you live through it and sit with your feelings, it's easier to manage them in the long run. It's kind of like exposure therapy for people with phobias. Try not to suppress the feelings...they tend to only get stronger and deeper if you don't ever accept their presence. My goal when I start getting into the depression monologue now is to simply not react. I do nothing, whereas I used to seek outward for some kind of distraction. I just analyze what's causing the feelings, see if there is a healthy change that I can make to prevent feeling that way in the future, and then wait for them to pass.

It sounds like you've got a lot of healing to do, which I'm starting to realize is only possible with sobriety. If your PTSD is from childhood experiences, I highly recommend the book "Complex PTSD: From Surving to Thriving" by Pete Walker. I've been working through it this year and it has illuminated many aspects of the source of my pain, as well as given me a road map to "fixing" the inner workings of my mental processes.