Pathwaytofree

This week I'm supposed to be timing myself to see how long I spend on facebook. And then I'm supposed to set a limit. I couldn't get the words out to explain to my therapist that it feels like every free moment I have, I am on my cell phone--usually facebook. There's no way to actually time it.

It feels like a transfer of addiction. I hate what it does to me, yet I can't stop picking up my phone to check facebook. I'm an empath, and so facebook really brings me down and makes me feel miserable. So why do I still go on it?

I just scroll, scroll, scroll and either I get depressed from looking at all the people having a life, or I get depressed from really sad stories about people or animals or something.

It's eating away at my soul and is harming my recovery yet I can't stop.

Finally this morning I "unfollowed" a lot of people and pages, but now I am afraid I'll hurt their feelings when I won't know about something that happened and they'll say "didn't you read it on facebook?"

I also get sensitive and hurt if I see that a bunch of friends went out and I wasn't invited. I've actually unfriended people after times like that. I know that's really immature to do, but I was really hurt and I didn't want to get hurt again. I don't think facebook is good for us sensitive types.

I can't believe I'm writing this. I should be way past this kind of thing by now. I know I am a good sponsor and sharer and carry a solid message of recovery--yet how can I have this problem, too?

As much as I am extremely grateful for my recovery, I'm still trying to figure out how to have a social life sober. And as much as my head knows that most stuff we see on facebook is fake, I can't seem to convince my heart that. It keeps telling me I'm a loser because no one invites me anywhere, or accepts my invitations, and everyone else is enjoying life and has figured out how to have a life except me.

I don't know what to turn to, when the compulsion to turn to my cell phone/face book hits. My mind tells me it'll make me feel less lonely and more connected if I go on facebook, but it's the opposite effect I get.

And the compulsion seems to hit way too often. I can't put the phone away. And if I do, it's really hard not to think about it. I can't just BE. Even if I'm waiting on line for coffee or something, out comes my phone. In a waiting room for an appointment, out comes my phone. My husband gets up to go to the bathroom, out comes my phone. It's terrible. I'm so angry at myself. I don't want to be this way.

I want to live, but I guess I'm still just really afraid to. And I just don't understand how. I finally have the tools now to master resentments, character defects, fear, etc but I need the manual on how to actually make a life. :-(

Thanks everyone at SR for allowing me to be so honest. It's easier for me to type honestly than to verbalize it, if that makes sense. I shut down verbally way too easy because it's hard to get the words out.

I feel so sad.