So many wise posts already. I definitely felt very much like you do now for a long time. I'd wake up each morning silently or sometimes outwardly cursing myself for having drank the night before. I would decide I wasn't going to drink that day, then as the day wore on, I started to feel a little better, and by the end of the day I was stopping by to start the whole viscous circle again.
I have been off of this insane roller coaster for 20 and a half months now, and life is so much better with a clear head. Even my most difficult days, and there have been some very tough ones, are much better sober.
I still read and post here every day. My go to is the 24 hour thread, it's a wonderfully supportive community you should join us, and commit to the next 24 hours sober, then do the same thing the next day, and the day after that...
The monthly classes are also very supportive, you should join the September 2017 class.
Looking forward to seeing you on here!