Pathwaytofree

Hi all,

I'm not a newcomer to recovery, and work an AA program. I got a lot out of my step work. The problem is, though, that I have been extremely fatigued for so very long.

My husband thinks it's depression/anxiety but I don't really feel that depressed or anxious. Then again, sometimes I think I have been depressed and anxious for so very long (like forever) that maybe it's just my norm and I don't see it as depression/anxiety.

My fatigue is just really awful. I hate it. I have zero energy to do anything. I feel like I'm walking through muck and everything is at a snail's pace. Sometimes coffee perks me up but I don't like to have to rely on caffeine.

I can't seem to structure my day. I seem to jump from one thing to the next. I try to read but I can't focus. Things like washing the dishes or hanging laundry take so much energy. I tend to waste time on the computer but even when I read something I want to read, I can't focus. There's just too much out there on the internet. I pin stuff to read later but I never do. I can't seem to just lose myself in one thing. It's not ADDish though either. It's hard to explain.

I sleep fine, I don't have insomnia. But I do sleep a lot.

My memory is crap and I don't know why. Sometimes I feel brain damaged but I'm not.

I'm extremely unorganized, and I used to be very organized. I have little notes all over the place, notes all over my calendar, clothes all over the place. I just can't seem to muster the brain power to straighten up and get organized.

I seriously don't know what I do with my time.

Sometimes I think it's that my brain is just absolutely exhausted. Like it needs a rest. That all this really hard effort I made with my recovery and step work exhausted all of my reserves and energy. Like I need to recharge.

Or maybe I am still clinically depressed/anxious and am lying to myself because I don't want to face it or go on meds again that either make me feel flat, gain weight, or cause more fatigue.

The self-honesty and self-awareness that recovery took sure took a lot of me. It took me a long time to get through the step work. And I had a ton of anxiety through the step work and with my self-honesty/awareness. It's hard to explain here. I know it's not the norm. I wouldn't trade being on this side of the step work for anything, but it completely left me mentally and emotionally drained. So my gut is that that's what's caused this extreme fatigue. But trying to build a real life is just completely foreign right now. I used to do it, but it feels like it was a different life.

Does this make sense to anyone? I'm hoping someone from an outside perspective can tell me what I'm not seeing.

This certainly isn't how I want to live my life. I feel like I am just surviving but not actually living, if that makes sense.

I just want this crushing fatigue to go away. And I want the anxiety to stay away, that is draining and I certainly don't need that.

I've gone to the doctor and all my blood work is fine. But I wonder if I have Chronic fatigue syndrome or something like that.