I know exactly how you feel because I feel the same way. I know it's better for me in every way not to drink, but I miss it and wish I could still do it. I really don't see myself ever not missing it and not wishing I could drink like normal people. But, I take my antabuse every day or at least every other day. That takes drinking off the table completely, and while I feel resentful that I no longer get to enjoy my wine, I know it's for the best. I honestly don't think I will ever be able to not rely on the antabuse to prevent me from drinking. I realize it's a crutch, but it works for me and I'm thankful for it.