Hello all,
I appreciate the words from all, I dont think anyone is wrong and I understand it all. Your right, I have been trying to convince myself nothing is wrong and I can cancel my therapy. Matter of fact, I was talking with the girl and she along with everyone else normal tell me I dont need any help, I'm normal and I believe them, at least want to believe them.
I dont consider myself a regular user of Ecstacy, I've tried it twice and I do like it, but I am still at least, if partially, in control and like ngaire said I have not hit bottom but I dont plan nor want to because I think I will lose too much if I ever hit that point.
She told me what I am addicted to is not the music too, its the thrill as someone said so I realized that last night. She is almost like my personal psychologist cause she really understands psychology but I have to admit she was not familiar with addiction before meeting me.
She helped me realized something last night... something that really I felt was an eye opener as she has been trying to understand this 'problem' I try to describe her that you all understand, and she said its possible that...
Because in my high school years I was the skinnest, even uglist guy in the school. I really was, skinnest bones, tight pants, big glasses and button shirt tucked in with pants pulled up really high, the typical nerd, nobody believes I was like that when they see me now. Laughing stock by seniors, picked on, and got no attention whatsoever. Even worst, the lowest GPA in school and teachers never got along with me, one counselor said in front of my friends I had the lowest GPA in HS and if I wanted a tutor, and another one literally told me the reason she gave me an even lower score then I deserved was because of her personal opinion of me.
I felt really hurt, lack of attention, no friends, and when the teacher tell you this at 16-18, you dont know how to handle it or who to tell or what, so I just shut up and take it and hope my HS years pass by as quick as possible.
Mid high school, I made a decision and changed my entire life style, stopped using computers and worked out every damm day two hours a day. I went from schools skinnest dorkiest to schools strongest guy and I started becomming popular among the girls, the seniors who come back to visit gave me suprising respect and matter of fact would be intimidated by my size, life changed from there but the working out only covered my insecurities that was inflicted from lack of attention.
Thus, my friend last night, told me that I lacked ATTENTION growing up, from school, friends and even family. Thus, I am desiring this now 3 folds and I find it easily at raves or she jokes from ghetto areas. She said your kidding yourself if you think your high and mighty by going to a lower place to compete, its as if your going to 5th grade right now and taking the test with the 5th graders and you think your awesome by scoring top.
Shes right, I realized it was not all about the music, it was gaining the attention, winning girls from their boyfriends, or just the ego stroking (being all honest here).
Thus she woke me up, it was all about attention and I think about it and shes right. She said even if you took E last night, it wouldntve been the same cause there was no one to impress (I just went with her, in LA I usually go with group and always meet new people, girls, guys, whatever). She said your high gets off from the attention.
Furthermore, she said a movie was made from people like me because its a common problem. I dont know how familiar you guys are with the rave / trance scene, it of course is loved by all nationalities, but no one will deny that in a rave, its 98% all Asians and there are a ton of them from all walks. She said many Asians have a hard time with America because they cant fit in with the American culture very well, kind of left out from school groups or even work, then they really arent back home in Asia, and thus they go from being picked on to forming their tight groups and they find themselves escaping with drugs / raves but the worst part of it all is even though they maybe picked on, they end up going too extreme and doing things even the people who were picking on them would never do, such as murder. Thus thats why when I go to raves, theyre all Asians, foreigners having a hard time finding acceptance. Thus I am a odd mixed, technically American, but I am not fully looked by the Asians as a true Asian and I dont quite fit with the American crowd either as they see me as more Asian too... I'm in the exact area where she said leads my kind to these groups, drugs, raves, she looked around and pointed it all out and she is right. These tight groups of people you can see are looking for acceptance and when they find raves dominated by Asians, mainly foreigners and also ABC's, they feel right at home, as I do.
She said the problem is not ecstacy in my life, its not even so much addiction to choas, the main thing she sees in me is a desire for attention and shes right.
Part of me is happy, but part of me is quite lost at this moment. I'm good at working hard to ignore these issues, but only now, do I feel closer to danger that I seek professional help.
I am glad to come back here and say I did not use. I will say about 3 times, as I was just resting by the wall listening to trance, people asked me if I was rolling and sometimes I said yes just to hope theyll leave me alone but I was not and first guy offered some to me and another guy handed a drop for free to my friend who went with me. We both rejected, but honestly I started telling the guy to hook me up, it was when my friend slapped me I told him forget it...
None the less, I had a really good time, the dancing and the music brought me to a high escape and she had to agree, she said going there you will forget any and all problems in life... she said shes never had such a good time at a dance before.
Thus she also says I am not ready to go to raves alone, I will fail in holding back offers.
I'm trying to figure it all out, sorry for the long post, I just feel like I learned a lot last night and I am really in love with her ability to understand and good psychology. I dont say that to just to give her credit as I dont give many people good credit for their understanding of people easily (not that I understand people that well), but she has said many other things that proven true even in non-addiction related topics and thats when I started to believe she is good at understanding the mind.
Loves to all...
Philip