Well, I started off Day 5 feeling so excited. Yay! Day 5! I still can't believe I made it. Just about out of the worst symptoms ...
So I had an event to go to today and at first I was feeling confident thinking woo hoo I'm going and my heart doesn't feel like it's going to explode for once and I'm finally coming out of this brain fog. Then when I get there, I realize I've gained a lot of weight (from drinking) since the last time I've seen these people and then can see it in their eyes when they first see me like ... oh wow you're fat (and bloated mainly). Sigh. So I start to feel really funny and the more I am there, the more I realize it's a trigger and I need to avoid it until I am further into my sobriety. It's too soon and I need to be protective of myself and environment.
I left. And I know everyone is now thinking I'm an anti social jerk.
I cried the whole drive home just knowing what people must think of me and also realizing how bad I feel about myself and what I've done to me. And how I wish I could just snap my fingers and make everything change. Like I didn't gain 40lbs from doing nothing but eating and drinking for basically 5 months solid. Can't snap my fingers and make magic, but I can make a change and it will take time.
Now that I'm home and in my "safe space" I think I need to take a moment to feel good about myself that I was able to see a trigger and remove myself from it. I realize I'm not strong enough yet and so I need to protect that. I just need to let go of the disappoint from others and realize in time it will be better.. though yes it still stings knowing they are upset I left. It's not about them ...
There's my little Saturday novel. Thank you for giving me a forum to leave my thoughts.
Thankful, more than anything, for this 5th day.