digdug

You've had two relapses now. I'd suggest expanding your toolbox. Going to a few meetings a year isn't AA. Working the steps, preferably with a sponsor, is the program of Alcoholics Anonymous. You can also try addiction counseling, other recovery-based support groups, etc.

But trying to stay sober based on fear and demonization of alcohol isn't going to get you very far in terms of meaningful, long-term recovery.

You put the cards on the table. What you going to do differently this time?