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I had some booze.

Old 08-28-2017, 02:20 PM
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I had some booze.

I was at a birthday party w my wife.

Her friend's husband had a $90 bottle of cognac. He wanted to toast his birthday.

His wife is sick w a heart disease. Their family treats me like a brother.

He poured all the men present shots...me included.

I said I didn't want it. He insisted. They don't understand about all we here believe. I thought about not drinking it. Faking drinking it.

He and the other men present pretty much were watching me like a hawk.

I took the smallest glass with probably less then 1 oz. Maybe 1/2 an oz. Maybe less.

We toasted.

The booze had a reeking, poisonous gas emenating.

I put it to my lips, it coated them w a cold slimey feeling. I took a teeny amount into my mouth, it coated my mouth. They were all watching. I quickly drank the baby shot.

It was like a shot of medicine. Nyquil.

I smiled to all and toasted. I sat down on a chair and felt weak. Not like I was going to drink more. Weak like I was just given a little poison.

I obviously didn't get drunk off the little toast. The Normis there, my wife included, thought nothing more of it. I did mention it was my first booze in over a year. I drank a shot in Mexico to quell food poisoning. The men proceeded to do more shots, the big bottle of cognac was quickly emptied.

I had several glasses of water. I felt weak, but didn't show it.

I woke up this morning feeling funny. Not as pure. I worked out hard today. I felt fine.

I still hate booze. But, I always say here...I will never drink again.

Guess I was wrong.

I plan to never drink again, but in those weird situations...where me not drinking totally could ruin everything, treating booze like an evil elixar is not the right answer. We know it is poison. One small shot could lead to a relapse, I am aware.

I will never drink anything more than a toast size sip, and only after an initial protest.

I don't want to die or go insane from booze addiction, I made a decision last night to drink that shot. I didn't want to and I didn't drink anymore. I didn't get drunk, just weak from the booze.

Just need to come clean so I can live in the light of truth.

I am still sober since 9 May 2015, but not pure.

I can list all the times booze entered my body since that day and none of those times was w the intent of getting drunk.

What say my AA folks?

Thanks.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:23 PM
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Well, I'm not in AA, but I refuse to be bullied into doing anything I don't want to do. I would not take a sip of alcohol to make someone else feel better for anything in the world.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:28 PM
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Onward and upward, D122y.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:31 PM
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Yeah, I'm not in AA either, but there is no way in heck I'm allowing any reason to have any.

I was sober for 18 years and that's partly how I got started again. Peers and "just one" and saying I'd never do it to get drunk again. Then it was more frequent and took less convincing and before I knew it seven years had gone by and I was full-blown addicted again.

I hope you will be smarter than I was.

I'll never do that again. Not. One. Drink.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:36 PM
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I agree with Snazzy, D.
What's done is done.
We have a weird relationship with alcohol.
Go back to step one and work your way down.
That's what I do, when I have the presence of mind to think about it.
I was told to read page 61-63 out of the BB in first person, every day for one week. Say the 3rd step prayer. (especially if I am struggling)
Stop beating up yourself, humble yourself and carry on taking care of you.
We don't stay healthy, happy or sane by telling ourselves we're poisoned or sick.
That's yesterday. What you do with today is up to you. Reframe. Be kind to yourself. All is not lost.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:37 PM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
I will never drink anything more than a toast size sip, and only after an initial protest.
I'm not AA and I'm not a hardliner by any means. We each have to make our own decisions. Having said that, the above sentence sounds to me like you have cracked open a door that is only going to get wider unless you slam it shut hard, remove the peep hole, put about a dozen locks on it, melt down those keys, and slide the dresser up behind the door.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:45 PM
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Yes, I'm an AA member.
If it was me i would probably get a new sobriety date.

But, that's your call only.

M-Bob
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:54 PM
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What say my AA folks?

"I am still sober since 9 May 2015, but not pure"
sonow theres a pure and unpure sobriety?
a mostly sober?
an almost sober?
an honest and almost honest sobriety?

having a drink and callin it "not pure" is ok?

or is it rationalizing?
idk if i read anything in AA that mentions "almost honest is good."
can ya point out something in AA that might say something like that?

"I will never drink anything more than a toast size sip , and only after an initial protest."

What say my AA folks?

good luck with that.

havent ya heard or read how people end up worse off than before by rationalizing?

like the guy mixing l a shot of whiskey into his milk?

this is where that thought took him:
Thus started one more journey to the asylum for Jim.


russian roullete is a game i stopped playing.
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Old 08-28-2017, 02:59 PM
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D122y , I am sorry to read this.

What if you were deathly allergic to something in the alcohol?? (I appear to be)

Would you still have agreed to drink it?
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:04 PM
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i do get why the situation "seemed" to have no other options. dude's birthday, the sick wife, the expensive cognac, the familial bonds.

however, if it was peanuts he was handing out and you were allergic, you would NOT have done so just to comply, fit in or not make waves.

you've been around long enough to have some experience at saying NO. no thank you. i'll pass. i decline. oh shoot look at the time, gotta run.

so you made your choice.

your CHOICE.

to drink. regardless of how nasty, or the why's of it, in a sober frame of mind you chose to drink again. it was not inadvertent. it was vertent. DELIBERATE.

never heard of pure or unpure sobriety before. it either IS or it is not. like pregnancy. anything else is PURE rationalization.
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:18 PM
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where me not drinking totally could ruin everything,
...said your AV.

If it can't get you any other way it will get you through pride or fear of embarrassment.

Been there done that. Raised the glass symbolically and then set it down or gave it to someone drinking.

Nowadays I don't even raise the glass.

In reality in situations like that, people forget in about 3 minutes whether you took a drink or not.

I pulled myself back from the brink. If someone is momentarily annoyed by my refusal to drink, I'm happy to wear that for a couple of minutes.

If I drink again I might be OK with one shot - or I might never stop.

I have an educated guess that says it might be the latter.

I don't think of alcohol as a poison - thats not helpful to me.
Doesn't go far enough to the real problem - me.

I think of alcohol as something that makes me poison.

This will make your recovery stronger d122y, if you let it
D
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by D122y View Post
...in those weird situations...where me not drinking totally could ruin everything,

Not drinking could ruin everything? It ruined your sobriety. How can refusing the drink be worse.

Noticed the women weren't "forced" to take a shot.

If you can't say no to someone else, it will become harder to say no to yourself.
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:21 PM
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Originally Posted by Dee74 View Post
I don't think of alcohol as a poison - thats not helpful to me.
Doesn't go far enough to the real problem - me.

I think of alcohol as something that makes me poison.
D
I love this! Brilliant!
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:27 PM
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Yikes, what an awful experience! I can sympathize very much with what must have seemed like an impossible situation, especially since I had a "drinking dream" recently that was eerily similar.

In the dream, just as you were in real life, I was in a situation where refusing to drink would have been a terrible social faux pas and created a huge amount of discomfort for a large number of people. In my dream, I took the drink, justifying it by telling myself that the needs of the many outweighed my own selfish needs. I awoke with the usual feeling of shame and hangover-like symptoms that many report having after drinking dreams.

I hope never to be faced with such a terrible dilemma in real life, but if I am, I hope I will be able to apply the principles I've learned in recovery and remember that other peoples' feelings are not my responsibility. My own selfish need for unbroken sobriety does indeed supersede any social obligation to spare the feelings of others, or to save face, or to avoid having others think ill of me.

The only possible exception I can think of is where my refusing to drink a toast would actually endanger others, like if I were a diplomat at a reception with a backward country where refusing to drink would be taken as an insult and threaten relations between countries. Thank goodness such a situation is unlikely to occur in real life!

If this had happened to me, I would think it important for me to examine carefully my intent, acknowledge where I went astray, get back on the horse, and soldier on.
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:49 PM
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I'm sorry that happened to you and that you got trapped. As strong as we may or may not be, I am guessing that the right circumstances at the right time could challenge any of us.

To them this wasn't about the drink, it was about asking if you were part of them, a confirmation of identity. To you it was a violation of your conscience, that is what caused the feelings of weakness....betraying yourself.

Forgive yourself first, communicate with those who love you so it won't happen again.
Glad you are here!
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:49 PM
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Wrong call. I've done the following: (1) dumped a beer over the side of my deck at a party.
(2) dumped a beer down a bathroom sink after I excused myself.
I think in this case, I would have raised the glass in symbolic toast and then put it back on the table, untouched.
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Old 08-28-2017, 03:52 PM
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If you had refused the shot, you would not have "ruined" anyone's good time, but by drinking it, you ruined your sobriety.
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Old 08-28-2017, 04:04 PM
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What OOTT said, and Mbob.

New date.

And start in the steps again with your experience sober to have a different experience next time- especially accepting that it is always to us alone and No ONE else whether we drink. No outside expectation or pressure can justify my drinking. Frankly, I could care less what anyone expects- and would politely and firmly get out (or not have been) in this situation immediately.

I'm sorry you drank and hope this chance at a new start will be a step forward in what can work for you.
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Old 08-28-2017, 04:06 PM
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I think your conscience was damaged more than anything. This moment humbled you, but if it is a defining moment, let it help define your future resolve to sobriety. Make it a positive strengthening of your commitment to sobriety. You got this!!!

Do whatever you think is right with the date.
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Old 08-28-2017, 04:07 PM
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Sobriety date reset.

28 Aug 2017, about 5 pm, was the last time I drank. I don't drink anymore.

I agree with all of you.

When I think back of the hell on earth I endured getting to this state of grace, I made a mistake by drinking that shot.

But, I drank a shot (larger one) in Mexico, back in June 2016.

So, deciding to maintain my sober date even from that time forward was wrong.

I am not going to live a lie to myself and that is why I am glad I came clean with all of my online siblings here at SR.

I am 800 plus and 2. That is a good record. I am not a day counter anyway. I don't work the steps and don't have a sponsor. I am a nearly non drinker, that drank 2 times in over 2 years.

I still hate booze and after yesterday....will never drink again, even if I think it will ruin someones night or if I am going to get sick if I don't (that was my excuse back in June 2016).

I love the feedback of a symbolic raise of the glass and place the booze down. That will be the plan from now on. Back when I was a drunk if someone offered my their shot, they would not have to ask twice. Lol!

If I ever think I am going to get food poisoning, like in Mexico, I will just get it.

Thanks for the feedback.

At least now I can relate better to folks that relapse, even though my relapses were relatively small compared to what I know I am capable of doing.

I also can stop acting like something I am not.

2 years plus sober has been a lie for over a year.

Yours truly in sobriety.

Thanks.
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