Amandasue,
Welcome to SR! It was suggested to me to read Mealodie Beattie's books, they are great and did help a lot. The concepts are hard to grasp for me, and it's taken since last November for a few of them to sink in! I'm a hard-headed one... FormerDoormat is right, you didn't cause it and you cannot control it. I've tried taking responsiblity for my ah's actions, and I've tried controlling (even up to this past week) I've tried bargaining, dang tried it all. Somewhere along the line I think it finally has sunk in that I need to take care of myself and worry about what it is that I want. It's taken quite a few knocks on the head, I'm still with my ah but kind of living a separate life from his. Tonight I went to the symphony with a customer, the ah, would never go and enjoy anything of culture (are bars cultural?) Anyway, this is something in the past I would never have dreamt of doing, I would have wanted to stay home to make sure he doesn't over-drink the night away, like I had any control anyway. I enjoyed myself and had a fabulous time. Yes I came home to a drunk, but he passed out and I'm still enjoying myself! Love that!
Moving on for me is going to take a lot of sacrafice, I've been trying to sell my horse and save money, get a better education, etc. just to have the means to if I decide to go. The bottom line is that these are all things I should be, and should have been doing all along but I always put him and others before myself. It feels selfish right now, and I know that will change in time, it's okay. It's a better more healthy way of living. Things are changing because I am.
Again welcome and keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.
My prayers are with you,
~Faithchaser