i'm brand new and this is my life!

Old 09-24-2005, 10:54 PM
  # 1 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: boyne city, michigan
Posts: 20
Smile i'm brand new and this is my life!

hello there. I am so glad that I have found this forum! After reading the posts I decided to tell my story.
My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He wasn't abusive in any way but the chaos of having a drunk for a father was enough to put me off ever marrying one! I married my bf when I was 17 and he was 19. Looking back i'm sure it was to escape my homelife. I told bf, before we ever married, that if he ever became an alcoholic, hit me or cheated on me, I'd divorce him. well, he started drinking and it became a problem, within 3 years he had a DUI and promised to stop, which turned into "just a few when we're out with friends" which of course turned into DUI #2(and i was pregnant with our first child) I seriously thought of leaving him then, but young, pregnant and no job I decided to give it another try and lo and behold he stayed sober for 10 years!! I thought he had it beat and maybe I was wrong about him being an alcoholic. by then we had lost our first child to SIDS, when she was just over a year old!(and he didn't drink at all the entire time!) We had three more children and life was good!
Then, after our business was closing, he went out, got drunk and received his #3 DUI, which put him in jail for 20 days, I was so angry! I lied to the kids and told them he was at deer camp because I just didn't want to tell them that he was in jail. He is such a good father and husband when he isn't drinking! He works 60 hrs a week and hands over the paycheck, he never bosses me around or tells me what I can or can't do, and he's kind hearted too! The kids ADORE him! But having had a drunk for a dad , I know where this is heading and I don't think I can take it!
After the last DUI, he quit drinking again and we moved across country to live somewhere that we had always wanted to live and loved it! Unfortunately we had to come back after a year and tried to sell our house but with no luck, so after two years, had to decide to just accept that we aren't going to move, and settle here definitly(can't be in limbo forever, never knowing how long we'll be here, thus not being able to make plans) I was disappointed, but DH was worse, the drinking has become constant now and I find that I have been acting terrible about it, I have threatened him with leaving, I have raided his pockets at night and taken all his money(so he has none for beer) I have yelled, screamed, sentenced him to sleep in the garage for weeks, begged, pleaded, reasoned with him, ignored him, cold shouldered him, nothing is working and I can't figure out why something that worked well before has lost its power. Yesterday, he came home and told me he had been drinking(unusual, since he usually lies to my face about it and I bought a breathalizer to check his honesty) and said it was because he had a bad day,he had run into an old flame of mine at work who asked "how I was and how "we" were doing", of course DH was jelous and somehow decided that I was having an affair with this guy and thus he had an excuse to drink. I told him I didn't care anymore. After years of babysitting his butt I just didn't care anymore, he could drink to his hearts content.(which he has taken me up on) But to me, this means I no longer hold any real love in my heart for him, he has managed to kill it, slowly, as he lied to me, blamed me for his drinking, broken promise after promise, forced me to cover for his behavior and humiliated me with his DUI's. I have a hard decision to make, because I don't want my children to suffer through a divorce, yet I know how it is growing up with a drunk father, which is worse?
Tonight, I went into his wallet(after he passed out) and took a red permanent marker to his driverse license and wrote(ALCOHOLIC, DO NOT SELL BEER!) Of course at his age(38) they won't ever check it.
I have been a stay at home mom most of the time we've been married, divorcing and finding a job that pays me enough to live and support my kids will be almost impossible. At least I know an old flame is somewhat interested in being friends again I know that its a bad idea, but its been a long time since I had a man treat me like they care about my feelings. I could use a little ego stroking right about now. I know that alot of you will say "stay and stop being a codependant" but my mother did that and she was unhappy and miserable till the day my father died. I just can't see myself choosing to remain in a marriage with someone who will make my life miserable(and he will, simply by being drunk and near me)
I do know that I do not like who I am when I am with him anymore. I find myself becoming a person that I don't like or recognise. I am afraid that I am losing myself to this lunatic who I have become while reacting to living with a drunk. But I don't want to throw in the towel until I'm sure there is no stopping this. Please , any advice would be very welcome!
thank you
amandasue is offline  
Old 09-24-2005, 11:08 PM
  # 2 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
Hi Amanda and welcome. Have you tried Alanon? It can help you to understand your husband's problem and what role you play in it. It can also help you determine the best solution for and your children.

You asked why the old methods you used to convince your husband to stop drinking aren't working now, and here's my answer:

When your husband stopped drinking years ago, it wasn't because you begged and pleaded him to stop. It was because he'd finally realized on his own that alcohol was making his life miserable and that the only way out of his misery was to make a change.

Unfortunately, alcholism is a chronic disease, and it's prone to relapse. Your husband found himself using old behavior patterns to mask some other problem. That's why he began to drink again. And once an alcoholic resumes drinking, it's very difficult for them to stop.

It won't do any good to beg and plead with him to stop. It won't do any good to make him sleep in the garage. You can't make him change. You can't control his drinking, you can't change his behavior, and you didn't cause it. The only person you can change is yourself and how you react to his drinking. Your husband will only stop drinking when HE decides to stop. Will that happen? Perhaps. He's stopped successfully before. But then again, perhaps not.

You have to decide what's acceptable to you and your children and what behavior you're willing to live with today, tomorrow, next year. And Alanon is the best place to start.
FormerDoormat is offline  
Old 09-24-2005, 11:34 PM
  # 3 (permalink)  
Member
 
Zoey's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2004
Location: over yonder
Posts: 1,548
Welcome amandasue....
You mentioned your Mom being unhappy. Do you know, did she go to Al-Anon.??
Al-Anon gives us face to face people, with the right meetings, we find good friends, and a sponser.
This is a fantastic site and feel free to ask questions, vent whatever, but I feel we need an Al-Anon group also, we need both.
I will say no more till find out if you go to Al-Anon or not. You may know more than I do. (smile)
Keep coming back.
Zoey is offline  
Old 09-24-2005, 11:39 PM
  # 4 (permalink)  
Ugh!
 
FaithChaser's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Enchanted Elmoland
Posts: 180
Amandasue,
Welcome to SR! It was suggested to me to read Mealodie Beattie's books, they are great and did help a lot. The concepts are hard to grasp for me, and it's taken since last November for a few of them to sink in! I'm a hard-headed one... FormerDoormat is right, you didn't cause it and you cannot control it. I've tried taking responsiblity for my ah's actions, and I've tried controlling (even up to this past week) I've tried bargaining, dang tried it all. Somewhere along the line I think it finally has sunk in that I need to take care of myself and worry about what it is that I want. It's taken quite a few knocks on the head, I'm still with my ah but kind of living a separate life from his. Tonight I went to the symphony with a customer, the ah, would never go and enjoy anything of culture (are bars cultural?) Anyway, this is something in the past I would never have dreamt of doing, I would have wanted to stay home to make sure he doesn't over-drink the night away, like I had any control anyway. I enjoyed myself and had a fabulous time. Yes I came home to a drunk, but he passed out and I'm still enjoying myself! Love that!
Moving on for me is going to take a lot of sacrafice, I've been trying to sell my horse and save money, get a better education, etc. just to have the means to if I decide to go. The bottom line is that these are all things I should be, and should have been doing all along but I always put him and others before myself. It feels selfish right now, and I know that will change in time, it's okay. It's a better more healthy way of living. Things are changing because I am.
Again welcome and keep coming back to let us know how you are doing.

My prayers are with you,
~Faithchaser
FaithChaser is offline  
Old 09-25-2005, 07:55 AM
  # 5 (permalink)  
Member
Thread Starter
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: boyne city, michigan
Posts: 20
thank you all

thanks to all of you who have replied! I think I will be on this site quite a bit. My mother never went to alanon. She never would have gone to a group meeting for this in her life- I may look into it myself.
I have a pretty busy life right now, I HAVE been trying to do things for "ME" lately. I am working on a degree, bought a camera and am teaching myself photography, work part time and helping at my daughters cheerleading. Probably the only thing that I'm not doing enough is going out with friends. Almost all of my friends stay home with their husbands and children, so there just isn't a huge opportunity to go out, but I am sick of sitting at home everynight with the kids while DH is out drinking. This makes me feel like a doormat. I want him to wonder where I am once in awhile and I want to come home and when he asks if i'v been out drinking or whatever I want to say" I don't know what your talking about! your crazy!"

I already sort of have an idea in my head of what I am going to do. I will probably divorce him, but I need to save some money first and I want to finish my associates degree first, so that I could get a decent job that pays decent wages for a change. I need to get all my ducks in a row and I want to stay with DH and let him feather my nest as much as possible.
I know this sounds heartless but I have been married for 18 years. I have taken care of the house and everything surrounding it while he worked on his career. Now he is in a place where he is worth alot of money and I have skills that don't pay anything in the workforce. Old story I'm sure.

thanks again for the support!

Sometimes I wonder if DH actually quit drinking today if I would even love him again like I used to.
amandasue is offline  
Old 09-25-2005, 08:49 AM
  # 6 (permalink)  
Wipe your paws elsewhere!
 
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 3,672
I need to get all my ducks in a row
It doesn't sound heartless to me. It sounds like a fabulous plan. It's not heartless to do what's necessary to take care of yourself. Your plan is quite similar to the plan I'd made for myself and then put in place six months ago.

It took me about a year to get my finances in order, figure out how to increase my income, and how to put a budget in place. Then every day, I worked my plan. Six months ago, I let go of my failing relationship and started out on my own. Because I'd taken the time to take care of myself and plan for the future, the transition was relatively pain free, financially speaking.

My life has changed drastically in the past six months. I no longer worry about what condition my A will be when I come home from work. I no longer worry about whether he'll end up in the emergency room after a particularly bad binge. In fact, I no longer worry about his drinking or how he lives his life at all. It's his life and he's free to live it in any manner he chooses. I just choose not to go along for the ride.

Letting go of a bad relationship was the best thing I've done for myself in a long time. Chaos, confusion, and pain are no longer parts of my daily life. I've replaced them with happiness, peace, and serenity.
FormerDoormat is offline  

Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
 
Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off




All times are GMT -7. The time now is 07:17 AM.