hello there. I am so glad that I have found this forum! After reading the posts I decided to tell my story.
My dad was a functioning alcoholic. He wasn't abusive in any way but the chaos of having a drunk for a father was enough to put me off ever marrying one! I married my bf when I was 17 and he was 19. Looking back i'm sure it was to escape my homelife. I told bf, before we ever married, that if he ever became an alcoholic, hit me or cheated on me, I'd divorce him. well, he started drinking and it became a problem, within 3 years he had a DUI and promised to stop, which turned into "just a few when we're out with friends" which of course turned into DUI #2(and i was pregnant with our first child) I seriously thought of leaving him then, but young, pregnant and no job I decided to give it another try and lo and behold he stayed sober for 10 years!! I thought he had it beat and maybe I was wrong about him being an alcoholic. by then we had lost our first child to SIDS, when she was just over a year old!(and he didn't drink at all the entire time!) We had three more children and life was good!
Then, after our business was closing, he went out, got drunk and received his #3 DUI, which put him in jail for 20 days, I was so angry! I lied to the kids and told them he was at deer camp because I just didn't want to tell them that he was in jail. He is such a good father and husband when he isn't drinking! He works 60 hrs a week and hands over the paycheck, he never bosses me around or tells me what I can or can't do, and he's kind hearted too! The kids ADORE him! But having had a drunk for a dad , I know where this is heading and I don't think I can take it!
After the last DUI, he quit drinking again and we moved across country to live somewhere that we had always wanted to live and loved it! Unfortunately we had to come back after a year and tried to sell our house but with no luck, so after two years, had to decide to just accept that we aren't going to move, and settle here definitly(can't be in limbo forever, never knowing how long we'll be here, thus not being able to make plans) I was disappointed, but DH was worse, the drinking has become constant now and I find that I have been acting terrible about it, I have threatened him with leaving, I have raided his pockets at night and taken all his money(so he has none for beer) I have yelled, screamed, sentenced him to sleep in the garage for weeks, begged, pleaded, reasoned with him, ignored him, cold shouldered him, nothing is working and I can't figure out why something that worked well before has lost its power. Yesterday, he came home and told me he had been drinking(unusual, since he usually lies to my face about it and I bought a breathalizer to check his honesty) and said it was because he had a bad day,he had run into an old flame of mine at work who asked "how I was and how "we" were doing", of course DH was jelous and somehow decided that I was having an affair with this guy and thus he had an excuse to drink. I told him I didn't care anymore. After years of babysitting his butt I just didn't care anymore, he could drink to his hearts content.(which he has taken me up on) But to me, this means I no longer hold any real love in my heart for him, he has managed to kill it, slowly, as he lied to me, blamed me for his drinking, broken promise after promise, forced me to cover for his behavior and humiliated me with his DUI's. I have a hard decision to make, because I don't want my children to suffer through a divorce, yet I know how it is growing up with a drunk father, which is worse?
Tonight, I went into his wallet(after he passed out) and took a red permanent marker to his driverse license and wrote(ALCOHOLIC, DO NOT SELL BEER!)
Of course at his age(38) they won't ever check it.
I have been a stay at home mom most of the time we've been married, divorcing and finding a job that pays me enough to live and support my kids will be almost impossible. At least I know an old flame is somewhat interested in being friends again
I know that its a bad idea, but its been a long time since I had a man treat me like they care about my feelings. I could use a little ego stroking right about now. I know that alot of you will say "stay and stop being a codependant" but my mother did that and she was unhappy and miserable till the day my father died. I just can't see myself choosing to remain in a marriage with someone who will make my life miserable(and he will, simply by being drunk and near me)
I do know that I do not like who I am when I am with him anymore. I find myself becoming a person that I don't like or recognise. I am afraid that I am losing myself to this lunatic who I have become while reacting to living with a drunk. But I don't want to throw in the towel until I'm sure there is no stopping this. Please , any advice would be very welcome!
thank you