...and this is why [the rave is] special, because its a test for myself I feel.
Humm, sounds very familiar and it wreaks of denial. Let's just substitute the word "alcohol" for "rave" and recast your sentence:
"...and this is why today is special, because it's a test for myself...to determine if I can have just one drink and stop."
We've all heard those words before, and we all know this is a disaster waiting to happen.
But in an effort to protect myself, I've invited the normal healthy girl who really likes me round here, the one who is really normal, never been to a rave, very familiar with all of my recovery / problems, she is willing to go with me and I think going with healthy people who will just go for the music, the people and dancing like theres no tomorrow maybe a way for me to enjoy the raves without the drugs.
Yes, denial is a powerful thing. Let's recast this sentence a bit, too:
"But in an effort to protect myself, I've invited a non-drinker, one who is really normal, who's never been drunk, who is familiar with my drinking problem, and I think going with a non-drinker may be a way for me to get through the evening without drinking."
I'd ask if you're starting to see the light yet, but obviously you're not, as you're still making excuses, and you're still trying to convince yourself and others that you don't have a problem. That you don't seek out unhealthy people and toxic relationships. That you can control your womanizing, drinking, and drugging.
Remember the old saying, "birds of a feather flock together?" That saying reminds me of the time my ex-alcoholic boyfriend came home from an AA meeting saying how messed up all the folks at the meeting were. You know, they'd lost their homes, their car, their jobs, their family, their friends, and many were now homeless and sleeping in the gutter or on park benches. And he said he'd learned a lot from that meeting, that he was no where near as messed up as they were because he'd never slept on a park bench.
Well, just a few weeks after that, he'd lost his home, his family, and his friends. And last week his boss called me to say that he's about to lose his job. But yet he still thinks he's "no where near as messed up as they were."
Yeah, riiiight.
You say that you want to change, that you hated the chaos your ex-A girlfriend brought into your life, that you want to find a healthy relationship, but your actions are saying something completely different.
Instead of seeking out a healthy, normal girl, you're using one to convince yourself that you can control yourself around the booze, drugs, and loose women.
Well, you're fooling yourself and you're using a nice girl. Shame on you.
So my question to you is do you want to change or do you want to continue down a destructive path?
It's not "all about the music," Code. As a matter of fact, it's not about the music at all. It's about you getting a thrill when you surround yourself with drinking, drugs, and loose women.
Let's call it what it is.