Berrybean

I know it sounds impossible but it's not - we need to lean into the fear. And I remember having weeks of praying every night that I could just die and not ever wake up again. I had counselling as well. I told her half truths - the bits that didn't make me look so bad - so that didn't really work very well apart from getting me to notice how crippled with fear I was - of the truth. Of others judging me. Of rejection. And yes, it did feel crippling.

In the short term music is a great way of refocussing - maybe pop some on that you know lifts your mood. And that shower sounds like a great plan. Also, check those HALTtriggers and adress any that are needed - Hungry? Angry? Lonely? Tired?

Thing is - we can only make suggestions based on what worked for us. And you (and anyone else) are perfectly at liberty to ignore them and carry on just as before. But if what you're doing isn't working - which I suspect it isn't (just going by the personal hygiene routine, inability to get out of your place, and wishing you were dead) then it would seem that trying some of the stuff that worked for others is a bit of a no-brainer.

The folk on here who now have a happy and fulfilling sober life weren't always that way. We didn't just put the bottle down and things got better. We needed to do certain things to get to that stage. A lot of the time we didn't really want to do those things. I was, personally, quite terrified by some of them - but not as terrified as I became of staying how I was. And then I realised that I was just doing the same thing over and over and expecting things to change - and realised that I needed to be the catalyst for change. No sobriety fairy was going to come and sprinkle me with recovery dust, no matter how long I curled up and hoped for it. So I decided to take control of my breathing like the nice doctor had shown me, and lean into my fears.

The point is not being fearless. Every hero in the world would have felt some fear as they faced their battle. If he didn't he wouldn't be a hero, he'd have just been insane. The point is, the felt the fear and did it anyway. Rescuing ourselves is the same in as much as we need to feel the fear and do it anyway. I did this **** and so can you.

BB xxx