I've been playing the, write a bunch of long posts and scrap, game.
I just have this feeling like I've given up. I don't really know why. Or on what.
School: I am just looking at intro courses. Probably an English course... I am going to have to pluck off individual courses until I figure out work, schedules, financing, etc.
I look at arts and humanities, there seems about a 100 different ways I want to go. I don't know. I am sitting under a very broad umbrella right now of (im)possibilities.
And looking at my credit report makes me want to barf.
Trying to figure out how to make all this work out feels like looking at a sinking ship and trying to fix it and save it with a bit of scotch tape
I keep thinking bankruptcy will be a chance to start over... so I'll be 40 if I do this now by the time my bankruptcy would be discharged. My oldest will be an adult. My youngest a preteen. My son will be graduating.
My littlest keeps bringing up the farm. When I look at my credit report and see all of what we had and BLEW it just makes me sick.
I miss the farm, my kids, my family, feeling normal, before I threw the grenade on my life and blew that all up.
Regret of the past.
Fear of the future, upcoming court, what's waiting in the shadows.
Sitting in the eye of the storm. Deep soul unrest.
I am just depressed and in FIA mode. I have been stuck at home, with no adult interaction for way too long.
1 hour until I am all. Alone. For a whole day and night.
For the first time in a very long time.
*insert melodramatic music*
Omg, the angst.
Shrinking it all into proper perspective, I am alright. I am down in the dumps and it makes me feel ashamed when I think there is far worse going on in the world than what's going on in my head. My bills are paid, my kids are ok, I'm ok, the sun is shining. That's good enough for now, it's all I need. I am feeling ungrateful.