Feeling a bit blurgghh today. Had really vivid dream about dad last night. He was laughing and happy and when I woke up I thought he was still alive. I think the fast approaching first anniversary of his death is really playing on my mind. He died on 2 September last year. 2 September this year will mark 10 months sober for me.
I've been posting daily on the 24 hour thread. Every day they post lists of everyone celebrating milestones. But here's the thing. They never mention me. Every 2nd day of each month they post a list of people celebrating milestones and every month I'm left off the list. I've mentioned it to the person who compiles the lists and she's assured me I'll be included next month but I'm not convinced I will be. I know it sounds stupid and it does sound stupid but I don't think I can stand it next month if I'm overlooked again on the first anniversary of dad's death.
This ridiculous issue has hurt me so much I've decided today to cut contact with the 24 hour thread so I don't get hurt anymore. What this has shown me is that I have a barrel load of issues to deal with. Mum always used to leave me out of family outings when I was a kid. She'd take my siblings somewhere and I'd have to go to pubs with my dad. Dad would get me a lemonade and a packet of crisps but then he'd get drunk with his friends and I'd be left feeling bored and wondering what my siblings were doing. I think these feelings of being left out have stayed with me. Even being left off a milestones list on a website of strangers can trigger all the old hurt.
I'm sorry this is all about me. Emotions are coming thick and fast at the moment and writing this down has helped. I'll be back when I'm feeling a bit more normal. Not that normal exists xxx