I suppose I can share about my stepdaughter and her children...not the same, exactly, but it can be a complicated dynamic. Humans....complicated and neurotic creatures we are
When I married my late husband, I knew that I would never be "mom" to his children at all. They were adults when we met. I just hoped to be friends.
When my stepdaughter was expecting her first child, she asked me what I would like to be called, and I answered that it was really up to her, but I liked "Nana", because *my* Nana was one of a kind (my great-grandmother).
Well, her children (3 now) do not call me Nana. They call me by my first name, because that is how my stepdaughter and son-in-law address me. I never pushed to be called Nana, and my late husband certainly never did so, either.
My son-in-law's stepfather, however, is called "grandpa". That is because my son-in-law's mother insisted on it constantly. She pushed and pushed so that it became the norm for the grands. I know that my stepdaughter was never thrilled with it but has accepted it. And that has hurt me over the years because my relationship is equivalent to my SIL's stepfather but I am not accorded the same 'privilege'. I have learned to accept it, though, too. What else can I do?
For me, at the end of the day, I am more interested in continuing to build a relationship with my stepdaughter and her family than how I am addressed.
I know that your family dynamics are still being sorted out with all that you have been through. I hope that you can continue to find your balance and your way forward as time goes on!
Sending more hugs!