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Old 08-03-2017, 09:51 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Hey, trusted friends, I have a question


This is really stupid, but I don't know how I feel about this. I don't feel upset, I think I feel more disappointed or sad.

My drama queen dtr, you know that one, the one that I went no contact with on 12/28/16. Well, I do go on fakebook, just to see pictures of children. There's a lot in my family. I'm not friends with oldest dtr on fakebook, but since she "tagged" my youngest dtr who I am friends with on fakebook I saw the post that my oldest dtr wrote.

She wrote that she was going to see her parents in NC this weekend. I don't know, it just hit me the wrong way. Her father, my ex, did not marry his gf, but she is referring to them as "her parents".

Not letting this bother me, but I just want to know is this something that is normal? If someone gets divorced and then is living with a gf, does that person automatically become a mother, a grandmother, or whatever? My dtr does call this gf, mom, and has my grandchildren, calling her grandma.

Whatever, waiting to listen to the wise people on here. Like I said, I was more surprised, but not really angry.

Other things I wanted to discuss with trusted friends was Thanksgiving and Christmas.

I've been spending these with my friends for the last 8 years. My son wants me to spend these with him now that they have a baby. He will see his father the next day. I don't know what to do. I've been hiding my hurt behind that I have a new Holiday tradition, and that is to spend it with my friends. I also enjoy spending it with my friends, since they are the ones that gave me shelter when I had to leave. I was thinking maybe I could split those holidays. There's no way that I can do both in the same day. It's a 3 hour drive.

Just confused...........

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Old 08-04-2017, 01:35 AM   #2 (permalink)
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Originally Posted by amy55 View Post

Not letting this bother me, but I just want to know is this something that is normal? If someone gets divorced and then is living with a gf, does that person automatically become a mother, a grandmother, or whatever? My dtr does call this gf, mom, and has my grandchildren, calling her grandma.
I am not married to my partner and don't think I ever will be. However, I do feel very fond of his children. I think I would feel very included, pleased and flattered if my partner's children and grandchildren referred to me in the ways you have described.
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Old 08-04-2017, 02:05 AM   #3 (permalink)
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Family is sometimes by blood, sometimes by marriage, sometimes who we choose to be family and sometimes directly led by Higher Power.

Facebook is dangerous territory for me for exactly the reason above. A huge part of my recovery from C-PTSD includes removing myself from those who've been abusive to me.
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Old 08-04-2017, 02:09 AM   #4 (permalink)
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amy...I don't think I am any "wiser" on these kind of sensitive issues than anybody else....but I can give you my feelings on it.....

To me, as a parent, it would hurt my feelings...down deep...no matter how tempting it would be to be politically correct to state otherwise...lol...

to my way of thinking...living together does not convey the title---mother, grandmother, etc.
How one addresses the position of another person is a sensitive subject....and , for a reason, I think. It is a cultural mechanism for identifying a person's role and position in relation to other persons.
I think it does matter--have meaning....

With this particular daughter, I know that it is hard to understand why she does a lot of things...and, I do appreciate that you have to choose your battles with her and just have to choose to let a lot of things slide....a sort of "consider the source" kind of thing.....

My thoughts on the Holiday time conflicts....That is one that so many families have to face...I know that I have had to in the past...uugh!
I think that we just have to do the best we can considering the individual situations and intervening variables (and there can be so many!)....
I think that it is good to look at holidays as not just one day...but a "season".....that can cut down on a lot of the fighting!
I do think that when there is a new baby in the immediate family especially,, if you do not see them on a daily/weekly/monthly basis..that should take the first priority, when possible. Christmas day is a fun day, with lifelong memories, when there are younger children involved...and childhood is so fleeting, anyway....
I think that the day before Christmas...or the day after...or, even combining Christmas with New Year should be acceptable for friends...I think that good friends would understand that.....
Amy...I don't think there is one answer to this dilemma that fits everybody.....
I think it just has to be worked out on an individual basis---hopefully, that people will be as adult about it as possible.....
I do think that it might keep feelings of rejection down, if one explains their constrictions, when making plans with others---WHEN it is expedient to do so...but, one shouldn't have to twist themselves into a pretzel and JADE themselves to death...lol....
After all, it is impossible to please all people, all of the time!

I don't know if this helps you....These questions can become very complicated, in certain circumstances.....
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Old 08-04-2017, 05:56 AM   #5 (permalink)
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Oh my... I know I would be feeling pretty sensitive if I heard/read/knew one of my cubs was calling someone else "mom"... I think it's normal to feel a pang about that

I guess it would make more sense if this woman had been in their lives since they were small children and had, had any hand in raising them, but that isn't the case. Did your eldest DD start calling his gf mom after you went no contact? I know she has mental health issues so it's pretty futile to try and figure out her reasonings.

On the holiday issue. I don't have any grandbabies yet... but when(if) I do, if I get invited to spend Christmas with my child, their spouse and baby I would definitely change any preexisting plans I had so I could be there. Christmas has pretty much lost its magic to me over the last several years, I think spending it with a precious child would bring a lot of that back. They are only small for such a short while, I wouldn't want to miss out on that. Like Dandy said, any mature adult is going to understand you wanting to spend Christmas day with your grandchild... and son, especially if they know the obstacles you've faced along the way with your kids.

Mumma hugs for you Amy!
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Old 08-04-2017, 06:05 AM   #6 (permalink)
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So which is easier to say, "I'm going to visit my parents" or "I'm going to visit my dad and his g/f, who is pretty much like a stepmother but not really because they aren't married."

All she's doing, it seems to me, is conveying what her plans for the weekend are. Is all the detail about the exact nature of the various relationships really necessary?

It's FB, for cryin' out loud--there's too much info about everyone's personal business as it is. I'm all for keeping it to the essentials.

And she is, and will remain, a nut regardless of how she identifies her father's g/f on FB.
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Old 08-04-2017, 06:21 AM   #7 (permalink)
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FWIW, when my husband says he is going to either his father's house or his mother/stepfather's house, he refers to it as 'going to see his parents.'

He never referred to his beloved stepmother of 25 years as "Mom." He called her by her first name when referencing her specifically.

As for the holidays, could you spend Thanksgiving with your son and Christmas with your friends?
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Old 08-04-2017, 08:52 AM   #8 (permalink)
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I knew I had to write about this because it made me think about why it really bothered me. I usually do let everything this daughter says and does just roll right off my back. She began calling the gf "mom" about 6 months after the divorce when my ex and his gf moved in together. We weren't speaking at the time so it really didn't bother me. When I heard her telling her children to call her new bf "dad" less then one month after she left her husband, that did anger me, but I just figured that was just the way she is, so the "mom" thing never bothered me again.

I think what bothered me about "my parents" was that this was on facebook, where all my family can see this. (My family does not do this, and we have had divorces in the family. It's a respect thing.) Anyway, I think what upset me the most was that my family saw this and I was worrying about what my family would think. I know that's not my problem. I learned that here, that it's not my business or problem what other people think of me or her.

Christmas is a big trigger for me. My side of the family always got together on Christmas Eve. My ex took that day from me. Well, he took Christmas Eve and Christmas Day from me. My oldest daughter hosts Christmas Eve at her house, and she invites the ex, and his gf. For while she also invited my side of the family (my sister and her children, cousins and their children) until my side of the family wouldn't go anymore, because they wanted to see me, not my ex and his gf. This hurt me so much that the only way that I could deal with it was to create a new "Christmas tradition" for myself. I adopted my friends and their family as my own family. The people who cared about me, and loved me. We celebrate Christmas on Christmas Day, and I'm good with that. Just thinking of Christmas Eve triggers me. My sister also started a new family tradition. We get together between the 26th of Dec and before NYE. I think I have to stick with this tradition, because I'm just not capable of not knowing year to year where I will be on Christmas Eve or Christmas Day.

Thanksgiving-----my dtr-in-law is usually "on call". She works with bio defense, and I think she volunteers to be the one that is "on call", so that she can skip Thanksgiving at my oldest dtrs house. So, I can make that one. I am very thankful that my son and I are really close again.

Oh, BTW, my daughters fake wedding is coming up, it's in October. That's the one where she is going to have a reception, recite wedding vows, but not actually marry, because she can't, because she is still married. Well, I'm glad that "her parents" can attend that one. (lol).

As always, I'm glad I posted, because you make me think here, as to what the problem is that I am actually dealing with, instead of becoming overwhelmed and making myself crazy.

((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Old 08-04-2017, 09:12 AM   #9 (permalink)
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how about you worry less about them and what they are doing or not doing, saying or not saying, and focus on what YOU want and what YOU need. without filtering it thru what others might think or want or feel?

it's august - the winter holidays are MONTHS away. there is no need to fret and worry over where to go and what to do for a DAY in November and another DAY in December NOW. it's summer, stay in it, enjoy it!!!
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:11 AM   #10 (permalink)
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Do whatever makes YOU happy.

And that phony wedding? WOW. Just wow. Those poor kids... She ain't right and in this case, I don't even think she intended to stir up drama, but she'd probably be delighted to think she did.

Let her go, best you can. Enjoy your grandbaby...these years go by really fast.

Sending you a hug.
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:38 AM   #11 (permalink)
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amy.....I would like to ask you a question (if you feel comfortable answering it)....
If your family sees something that they disapprove of....say, like if they see that your daughter called y our ex and his girlfriend "parents".....
What would be the result....would they blame you, in some way? Would they hold you responsible? Would they expect you to "correct" the situation? Would they talk about you behind your back?
I am really just asking for an example....

I was thinking about this...and, I wondered what it is that the family does that triggers fear or anxiety in you?
do you have a certain role in your family....? Like, maybe, scapegoat, or black sheep....or, caretaker. .........
Does you family have rigid rules...rigid boundaries?

the reason that I ask this, is, that I have noticed, over time...that when there is a family gathering or important event....it triggers a lot of anxiety and confused emotions, for you....

I know that I grew up in a place where many families were quite tribal and had lots of "rules"...mostly unwritten...Anyone who stepped on the "rules" were subjected to quite a lot of criticism or disapproval....so, I know how family gatherings can be fraught with anxiety.....

This is just really about my own curiosity....feel free to ignore it, if I am "digging" too much...lol....
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:47 AM   #12 (permalink)
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I am sorry Amy. I get why this hurts. I think the use of the term "parents" could be used out of ease of convenience. In terms of the holiday stuff, go with your gut.

You are doing so well. Keep your head up!
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:48 AM   #13 (permalink)
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I would not worry about what your other daughter is doing at all. If you block her you will not even be able to see what she is tagged in.

As far as the holidays, I would celebrate them on an alternate day w/your son and his family, and just explain that this means so much to you to spend w/your friends, so you want to do both.

I would never be able to fit in one day all the celebrations we go to around the holidays. I like celebrating on different days, it spreads out the fun!
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Old 08-04-2017, 03:12 PM   #14 (permalink)
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Dandy,

I can answer all of these questions. I was the "golden child", the scapegoat, the black sheep, the caregiver, the protector, and perhaps some others.

My father like me best. I was the "golden child". I was the only one that he wanted. My older sister he referred to as a mistake, the youngest sister was the unwanted one. I was the only one that was planned, except I was supposed to be a boy, so he treated me like his son.

My mom I guess decided she had to show more love and attention to my 2 sisters since they weren't getting it from their father. I was always craving love and attention from my mom, but I can understand all of that now. If anything went wrong, I was the one to blame, from both of my parents.

Now you might think the "golden child" was good, but it wasn't. My father called me fat and stupid everyday, criticized everything that I did. Kept comparing me to my sisters who were both skinny, and had really good grades. They got all A+, I would also get A+'s with a few A's. They weighed about 85 lbs at age 13- 14. I weighed 110 - 115lbs. Why did I put that in there? Because I know my father was abusive to me.

I became the "black sheep", in High School. I made friends with people of the wrong color. My dad really wanted to disown me, instead he grounded me almost every weekend between the ages of 15 and 16. He monitored all of my phone calls to see who I was talking to. I was also the first person in my family to get pregnant before getting married. So I was their "black sheep".

I was and am the caregiver in my family. Anyone gets sick, I'm there to help. I also do research for my mom on specific diseases and how to handle things. I know a lot about this since I worked for Social Security and took disability applications, and my mom trust me on this. I also helped her take care of her brother who was paralyzed from a stroke, and she took him in. I was living with her at the time, and my 2 sisters never did a thing for their uncle.

With that thing on facebook, "my parents", I am not friends with oldest daughter on facebook, it only showed up on mine, because she tagged my youngest daughter. Why do I freak out about this? A lot of times I have my cousins calling me when she makes posts like this. My cousins and I are really tight. They are really looking out to protect me, which they have done before with my daughter. I don't like getting them upset, and........ I know I didn't post it, but they rally around me. These are the ones that never believed my daughter when she said I called CPS on her, and then she went to their houses to smear me to them.

My mother is upset with me because I won't be the "bigger person" here, and just get over the things my daughter said to me in Dec. I told her twice already that I will not do that, and if she wants a relationship with me, then she should apologize to me and start showing me some respect. I also had to tell my mom again why I do not have to date or be with a man. So I think currently, I'm good there.

So, with my mom (who still calls my ex, her favorite son-in-law), and my 2 sisters, things are pretty good, except we need to avoid talking about oldest daughter and politics.

With my youngest children, age 33 and 30, we are doing really well, and they are finally seeing the person that I am, not the person that I was portrayed to be.

I know I missed a lot of in the middle things, but, I'll answer any questions. It may be helpful to someone.

(((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))
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Old 08-04-2017, 03:37 PM   #15 (permalink)
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amy, oh, wow. I am so glad that you have started to make more boundaries for yourself!
I think it takes a while to get past the damage that our parents did to us...even if they didn't know they were doing it at the time.
Sometimes, they paste labels on us....and forget to take them off, even if we have "outgrown" them......
I think you have made a lot of progress. Keep it up....
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Old 08-04-2017, 10:52 PM   #16 (permalink)
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Can you block your oldest daughter on Facebook? I believe if you actively block someone (as distinct from not being friends with them), you don't see any of their activity, even if they tag someone you are friends with. You could also politely ask your cousins not to tell you about things that they see from your daughter on Facebook unless there is really an urgent need (e.g. someone's hair is on fire) because knowing about them is stressful. This sounds like a situation in which the less you know about your oldest daughter's social media escapades, the better your emotional health will be.
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Old 08-04-2017, 11:11 PM   #17 (permalink)
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Sasha, I don't think I can block her since I am not "friends" with her on fakebook. I am "friends" with my youngest daughter and I say this because she tagged my youngest daughter. Also if anyone that I am "friends" with on facebook, and she responds to them, I see that also. I ignore all of that.

The last time she had sent a PM to 35 people on facebook, asking them to help fund her to file a lawsuit against CPS. I got so many phone calls about that. I never even saw that one. My son did give me a heads up on that one though, even though he would not let me read it. He knew it would upset me.

My cousins don't upset me, they are looking out for me.

There was another thing. My mom is like pissed off at me, because no one in our family (my cousins) are "liking" anything that my daughter posts on FB. I told her, I can't do anything about that, that perhaps they were upset about how she tried to ruin my son and dtr-in-laws baby shower.

It's crazy families, even when you are divorced. I am horrified when I read what you are going through.

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Old 08-05-2017, 12:27 AM   #18 (permalink)
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Old 08-05-2017, 04:40 AM   #19 (permalink)
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Amy

I have nothing profound to add to what others have said. If it were me, I would probably be hurt a bit, but would try to ignore it considering the source. I just wanted to send you a hug.

And...let you know that yes, you can block anyone on Facebook. You don't have to be "friends" with that person to block them. I was never FB friends with my stalker ex, and I blocked him Just FYI.
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Old 08-05-2017, 05:23 AM   #20 (permalink)
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Hi Amy,
What your daughter calls gf is not your hoola hoop. I could not call my step mom mother. I had a real hard time explaining to my children that grandfather's wife was not their grandmother and that dynamic. What they wanted to call her I had to accept even though I did not encourage it. After mom died, it became easier to allow the children to call her grandmother and for me to think of her as a second mom, although I know she will never replace mom.

As for Christmas, it's the tradition of Christmas you are establishing for the grandchild and your son.
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