YES! I totally understand. First of all, welcome to the forum, sorry for what brings you here, but we are happy to have you.
I really do know what it feels like to want sobriety more than anything in the world and think that you are doing everything to get there but not be able to get there. I too was (am?) a chronic relapser. The single most important thing I have done so far is suck it up and go to inpatient rehab. Even that did not prevent a few relapses after my leaving but they were limited to a day or two and I was stronger than ever and able to get right back at it. Is rehab an option for you?