argillaceous

Missyk,

The first point I want to make is perhaps the most important one:
You are not alone.

Let me just say that again, for emphasis:
You...are...not...alone.

Just by coming here and posting, you have found a new community of people to connect with, some of whom can strongly identify with your circumstances. Give yourself a big pat on the back for having the courage to tell your story and look for help from others.

I can identify with the anxiety, the panic attacks, and the taking benzos (and drinking as well) far past the time that was good for me. I also have been mostly housebound for the better part of a year (for me, due to chronic pain issues). Those same issues have kept me awake at all hours of the night. Trust me that I know what you mean when you talk about waking in fear and hating yourself. I felt like I was on an (un)merry-go-round that would never stop. I was (and am still at times) at my wit's end.

I'm not off the ride yet, but I am getting it to not turn so fast. For me, it is a combination of things that is helping: I finally come clean to my GP (who I had been avoiding for 18 months) and faced what was going on. I went to an umpteenth doctor and was prescribed some meds that reduce my pain slightly for a few hours a week (i.e., keep trying). And I got to the point where I was ready to go to rehab or wherever to get help. And, SR. This place, and its worldwide community, has been incredibly important to me.

Also, you are not burdening anyone by your writing or how much of it you do. Write away as needed. You may have found that SR is pretty much a 24/7/365 community of incredibly kindhearted folks.

But remember this: you are not alone.