Thanks for reading and responding honeypig and anvilheadll. Those were just some thoughts bouncing through my head this morning. After posting, I realized it might have come across, with the whole emotional work analogy, that it might have come across that I see myself as, like, the "boss" of my family and I'm judging my AH on his "job performance" as if he's just some guy who works for me.
I am not the boss of my family and it's not my intention to run my life like a business. I'm not even the "boss" of my own life (that's HP), but it is my job to care for me and care for my family. I do that now by showing up, being present and doing the work-- with love.
The other night, my kids and I were at my mom's house watching Netflix in her TV room (where we are currently living). My daughter (12) has been on a Pretty Little Liars kick and my son (9) couldn't care less about it, but we went to the store and got all the fixin's for "Kylie Jenner Ramen" (don't even ask-- again, I have a daughter who is 12) and settled in for a binge-watch.
The evening could not have been more ordinary, the repast could not have been more meager, but that night has been the absolute highlight of my summer. As we were watching the girls try to sleuth out the identity of A., -- it's hard to explain without ultimate cheesiness-- but the love in the room was palpable. We were just enjoying each other's company and the warm summer night by just being there with each other, in that present moment. No fear, no longing. Just presence. And I realized, that's what it's all about. That's the thing, the holy grail... just the love bouncing back and forth between the three of us in the room, filling up the whole space.
And when one person is drunk, it's like a black hole that sucks in all that love. It's like the love bounces to them and then fizzles and dies like it just hit an electric fence.
Part of my recovery has been noticing where and when that love happens. I feel it in the rooms. I feel it at work (even in a class of 30 7th graders who think they hate me).
But I've spent so many years in a house devoid of actual love. Finally, I had to decide that if he is going to show up but not be present, then he night as well stop showing up.