Firing the High Functioning Alcoholic
Firing the High Functioning Alcoholic
I work as a public school teacher. If I came to work drunk, even one time, it would obviously be over. I'd get fired. Or at least I'd have some serious disciplinary consequences. The school district would not have to wait for something bad to happen-- for instance, I pass out while caring for children. The fact that I'd be drunk at work would be enough.
If I were to show up drunk to work, it would show that I have little regard for my job. I would not be able to perform in that state. I would be putting innocent lives at risk by not being present to respond to problems.
There are a few jobs out there I can name (maybe, bartender) where drinking on the job is OK. Most employers expect their employees to be fully present and ready to work-- obviously that's hard to do if you've been drinking.
I bring this up because I've seen so many threads on this board from spouses who feel uncomfortable with the amount their parters drink, but are able to minimize their own concerns by saying "well, he's high functioning." Which I suppose we are supposed to understand means that he (or she) doesn't live under a bridge with a brown paper bag.
But consider this, most of the work we do in our lives is the unpaid emotional work of human existence-- filling the role of father, mother, husband, wife, child, friend, neighbor, etc... These are not roles that "happen to us"-- in fact, we are privileged that we GET to serve in that capacity. I do not HAVE to be a mother, for example, I CHOSE to be a mother and I take that responsibility seriously and with the most appreciation.
When "High Functioning" alcoholics routinely show up to their emotional work drunk and hungover-- even if they are not mid-seizure or crashing their cars into farmers' market stands-- they are not taking their job seriously. They do not have high regard for their job. They are also putting innocent lives at risk by not being able to respond to situations (and I'm not just talking about 911 emergency calls, but any situation that a family member might need help with).
Consider your High Functioning alcoholic partner constantly showing up to the important emotional work of being a parent or spouse drunk. This would not fly anywhere else. Why does it fly in your house, or my house?
I'm learning that it's OK to hold my husband to the same standard as an average Subway sandwiches employee. Show up sober and on time. Be present. Be accountable. Or lose your job.
If I were to show up drunk to work, it would show that I have little regard for my job. I would not be able to perform in that state. I would be putting innocent lives at risk by not being present to respond to problems.
There are a few jobs out there I can name (maybe, bartender) where drinking on the job is OK. Most employers expect their employees to be fully present and ready to work-- obviously that's hard to do if you've been drinking.
I bring this up because I've seen so many threads on this board from spouses who feel uncomfortable with the amount their parters drink, but are able to minimize their own concerns by saying "well, he's high functioning." Which I suppose we are supposed to understand means that he (or she) doesn't live under a bridge with a brown paper bag.
But consider this, most of the work we do in our lives is the unpaid emotional work of human existence-- filling the role of father, mother, husband, wife, child, friend, neighbor, etc... These are not roles that "happen to us"-- in fact, we are privileged that we GET to serve in that capacity. I do not HAVE to be a mother, for example, I CHOSE to be a mother and I take that responsibility seriously and with the most appreciation.
When "High Functioning" alcoholics routinely show up to their emotional work drunk and hungover-- even if they are not mid-seizure or crashing their cars into farmers' market stands-- they are not taking their job seriously. They do not have high regard for their job. They are also putting innocent lives at risk by not being able to respond to situations (and I'm not just talking about 911 emergency calls, but any situation that a family member might need help with).
Consider your High Functioning alcoholic partner constantly showing up to the important emotional work of being a parent or spouse drunk. This would not fly anywhere else. Why does it fly in your house, or my house?
I'm learning that it's OK to hold my husband to the same standard as an average Subway sandwiches employee. Show up sober and on time. Be present. Be accountable. Or lose your job.
Bumping this back up to the top so everyone gets a chance to read it! That line about the Subway employee just keeps ringing in my head--where on earth do we get the idea that we don't deserve even that much from the person we married or committed to? How did we become so afraid to ask for the bare basics of a partner who shows up, who is present? Why do we accept so much less for so long?
I guess fear. For me, it was fear. Again, kudos, WF, on this post--no punches pulled and big truth being told.
I guess fear. For me, it was fear. Again, kudos, WF, on this post--no punches pulled and big truth being told.
Awesome, awesome post!
There is only one little thing I would love to add.
Once you fire your "high-functioning" alcoholic, you may find really fast how "low-functioning" actually he/she is when it comes to taking care of oneself. High-functioning is only a phase.
There is only one little thing I would love to add.
Once you fire your "high-functioning" alcoholic, you may find really fast how "low-functioning" actually he/she is when it comes to taking care of oneself. High-functioning is only a phase.
Thanks for reading and responding honeypig and anvilheadll. Those were just some thoughts bouncing through my head this morning. After posting, I realized it might have come across, with the whole emotional work analogy, that it might have come across that I see myself as, like, the "boss" of my family and I'm judging my AH on his "job performance" as if he's just some guy who works for me.
I am not the boss of my family and it's not my intention to run my life like a business. I'm not even the "boss" of my own life (that's HP), but it is my job to care for me and care for my family. I do that now by showing up, being present and doing the work-- with love.
The other night, my kids and I were at my mom's house watching Netflix in her TV room (where we are currently living). My daughter (12) has been on a Pretty Little Liars kick and my son (9) couldn't care less about it, but we went to the store and got all the fixin's for "Kylie Jenner Ramen" (don't even ask-- again, I have a daughter who is 12) and settled in for a binge-watch.
The evening could not have been more ordinary, the repast could not have been more meager, but that night has been the absolute highlight of my summer. As we were watching the girls try to sleuth out the identity of A., -- it's hard to explain without ultimate cheesiness-- but the love in the room was palpable. We were just enjoying each other's company and the warm summer night by just being there with each other, in that present moment. No fear, no longing. Just presence. And I realized, that's what it's all about. That's the thing, the holy grail... just the love bouncing back and forth between the three of us in the room, filling up the whole space.
And when one person is drunk, it's like a black hole that sucks in all that love. It's like the love bounces to them and then fizzles and dies like it just hit an electric fence.
Part of my recovery has been noticing where and when that love happens. I feel it in the rooms. I feel it at work (even in a class of 30 7th graders who think they hate me).
But I've spent so many years in a house devoid of actual love. Finally, I had to decide that if he is going to show up but not be present, then he night as well stop showing up.
I am not the boss of my family and it's not my intention to run my life like a business. I'm not even the "boss" of my own life (that's HP), but it is my job to care for me and care for my family. I do that now by showing up, being present and doing the work-- with love.
The other night, my kids and I were at my mom's house watching Netflix in her TV room (where we are currently living). My daughter (12) has been on a Pretty Little Liars kick and my son (9) couldn't care less about it, but we went to the store and got all the fixin's for "Kylie Jenner Ramen" (don't even ask-- again, I have a daughter who is 12) and settled in for a binge-watch.
The evening could not have been more ordinary, the repast could not have been more meager, but that night has been the absolute highlight of my summer. As we were watching the girls try to sleuth out the identity of A., -- it's hard to explain without ultimate cheesiness-- but the love in the room was palpable. We were just enjoying each other's company and the warm summer night by just being there with each other, in that present moment. No fear, no longing. Just presence. And I realized, that's what it's all about. That's the thing, the holy grail... just the love bouncing back and forth between the three of us in the room, filling up the whole space.
And when one person is drunk, it's like a black hole that sucks in all that love. It's like the love bounces to them and then fizzles and dies like it just hit an electric fence.
Part of my recovery has been noticing where and when that love happens. I feel it in the rooms. I feel it at work (even in a class of 30 7th graders who think they hate me).
But I've spent so many years in a house devoid of actual love. Finally, I had to decide that if he is going to show up but not be present, then he night as well stop showing up.
Thanks healthy again. I'm noticing so many people on this board using the term "high functioning." My husband is not high functioning anymore. He's not getting "drunker" than before-- but his life is getting more and more unmanageable, for sure.
WF, I've also heard a number of members say that "high functioning" is nothing but a fancy name for "a drunk with a job."
And I loved your description of home life on your own w/your kids. That's what it's all about, right?
And I loved your description of home life on your own w/your kids. That's what it's all about, right?
Hi, WhiteFeathers.
This a great post. It conveys so perfectly how peaceful life can be with the alcoholic drama removed.
I think of "high functioning" as a stage in alcohol dependence/addiction, not a type.
Everyone is high functioning til they're not.
Peace.
This a great post. It conveys so perfectly how peaceful life can be with the alcoholic drama removed.
I think of "high functioning" as a stage in alcohol dependence/addiction, not a type.
Everyone is high functioning til they're not.
Peace.
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Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Wisconsin
Posts: 1,572
I can't even count the number of times I heard "what's wrong with me having a few beers after a long day at work?!?" and retorted with "because you are not PRESENT here with us. You interact with the entire world through that filter. Even when you aren't being an abusive jerk, it still isn't YOU. You don't deserve a gold medal just because you haven't called me a horrible name today."
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Join Date: Mar 2017
Posts: 1,618
Really good post. It reminds me in some ways of some of the volunteer work I used to do around domestic violence education in which we used the workplace comparison as a way of getting at the idea that abusers just "lose control" or "can't help themselves". "Does the abuser yell and hit people in his/her workplace? Probably not, right? So s/he can control his/her violent impulses when s/he wants to. You should expect nothing less at home". Addiction may be similar.
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Join Date: Dec 2016
Posts: 182
Beautiful! Amazing! Deep and dead on posts WhiteFeathers! I need to print this out and put it in my journal - that I still haven't bought. : )
Your post about presence and love - yes yes and yes! I was so scared of separating from my AH because of what it might do to my child and he says that this is his best and most favorite summer ever. Why? Because he has so much "freedom". I'm not sure exactly what that means to him, but it could be the freedom to just BE, without worry, without stress, without fear of having to run to the neighbors or a relative's house when daddy gets "stressed". Things feel good right now.
Your post about presence and love - yes yes and yes! I was so scared of separating from my AH because of what it might do to my child and he says that this is his best and most favorite summer ever. Why? Because he has so much "freedom". I'm not sure exactly what that means to him, but it could be the freedom to just BE, without worry, without stress, without fear of having to run to the neighbors or a relative's house when daddy gets "stressed". Things feel good right now.
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