Well I'm not doing so good again. At the point I wrote my plan I felt motivated and hopeful. Yes the plan was basic but I was aware that keeping it simple was the only way for me.
Fast forward to a full-on 2 day long AV attack which I had to dig very deep to over come. The good bit is that I did and my sobriety is intact (yey!)
Problem now is that I've been left utterly exhausted, depressed and very much back in my shell. Very much like I felt at about 2 weeks in if I'm honest. Treating myself like an invalid and unable to keep up with the most basic of daily tasks. I mean what kind of 45 year only congratulates herself for showering and cleaning her teeth? Me that's who.
I look back at the plan and it looks like a nice little framework to live to. I just simply can't get myself back to a better frame of mind to get back to it.
I feel like I've lived so long in active addiction, scraping through each day that I'm left with really very poor coping skills indeed. What I see as an achievement many would see as something a 5 year old could do comfortably. Seriously. I'm not berating myself it's true.
So where do I go from here? Back off with the plan? Write another one given that I've gone downhill fast? Have a little break and come back to it?
I hesitate to use the dreaded four letter phrase PAWS but something is definitely going awry...... the longer I'm sober the more I can see what damage has been done and there is only one way to slowly repair that. By not taking that first drink no matter what one day at a time!!!!!!
Gonna keep popping back here with my ramblings until I feel more stable (for want of a better word)